Difference between revisions of "5th century"

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*'''457''' – Hengist and Horsa beat the Britons in battle near London. Horsa then dies from equine fever, brought on from too much fence jumping.
 
*'''457''' – Hengist and Horsa beat the Britons in battle near London. Horsa then dies from equine fever, brought on from too much fence jumping.
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*'''458''' – The [[Runes|Runic]] alphabet invented so that [[Led Zeppelin]] can write obscure messages on album covers.
  
 
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[[File:Benedictine01.jpg|thumb|right|240px|Take a holy swig]]
 
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{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
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{{Q|Hang loose and inhale my stash|Chillax}}
 
*'''481''' – Childeric I of the Franks dies. His original heir Chillax was too cool to succeed. Chillax's younger brother [[Clovis]] is less modest. Takes the throne and kills Chillax.  
 
*'''481''' – Childeric I of the Franks dies. His original heir Chillax was too cool to succeed. Chillax's younger brother [[Clovis]] is less modest. Takes the throne and kills Chillax.  
  

Revision as of 11:41, 14 August 2019


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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 401 to 500.




This century is all about the Romans.

The 5th century is often seen as the 'big break' when the Ancient World collapsed into chaos and was replaced by the Dark Ages. A time when people stopped reading and started to receive all their information via religious preachers telling them to 'repent ye sinners'. It was the century of Alaric the Goth, St. Augustine and Attila the Hun. The Germanic peoples went on their mass walkabout. Some ending up in North Africa, others in Spain and France. All looking for a good tan - except the Anglo-Saxons who crossed over to Britain and spread their paganistic views on life.

In other countries like China, India and Persia this was a time of equal disruption. Invaders were everywhere, crossing borders unchallenged or monarchs killing each other over trifles and sticky Huns.

Chronology

401 to 410

My name is Alaric the Tasche.

“No more sneering at me and my fashion choices.”

  • 401 – Alaric the Goth burns down a branch of Walmart.
  • 402 – St. Jerome publishes the Vulgate Bible, a Latin translation of the various biblical books in their original Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek and King James English.
  • 403Theodosius II agrees to become consul of the Roman Empire at age 2 as he figures he is too cute and too small of a target to be assassinated.
  • 404 – Publication in China of the book On 'Why Monks Do Not Bow Down Before Kings'. The answer is a lack of shoe laces.
  • 404 – Emperor Arcadius banishes Archbishop John Chrysostom from Constantinople. An earthquake strikes the Imperial palace. Arcadius begs him to return pronto.
  • 404 – Constantinople suspects something is up when all messages to Britannia are returned marked 'Not Found'. This would later become famous as the 404 Error.
  • 405 – The Colosseum loses it gladiatorial fighting licence after a monk called Telemachus runs amok and breaks up the fun. He is stoned by the angry punters.
  • 406 – Roman legions in Britain mutiny over being fed Brussels sprouts every day. They make Marcus Aurelius their new emperor who promises them 'peas in our time'.
  • 407 – River Rhine frontier of the Roman Empire breached by a mass of Vandals, Alans, Suevi, Burgundians and Uncle Tom Cobbleyites. The river had frozen solid and the Roman soldiers were inside their forts warming their knees when it happened.
  • 408 – Roman general Stilicho is murdered for being a Vandal. Shock-horror.
  • 410 – Emperor Honorius refuses to let Britain back into the Roman Empire.
  • 410 – Rome sacked. The Goths had finally done it. They collect Roman princess Galla Placidia in exchange for a few Goth overcoats. Romans marvel that more damage wasn't done and invite the Visigoths back for another go.

411 to 420

Hypatia as Lady Godiva Rides Again.

“Women have no right to be educated. Keep them ignorant and fruitful”

~ St. Cyril of Alexandria
  • 411 – The Empire fights back with usurper Constantine III in Gaul after Real® Roman Emperor Honorius sends an army after him declaring 'This town ain't big enough for the both of us'. Constantine dies of laughter when he imagines hearing the message in the voice of John Wayne.
  • 413 – Usurpers Jovinus and Sebastianus in Gaul are killed by the Visigoths and their heads are sent to Rome. Honorius is greatly surprised as he had thought he had just gotten rid of the last usurper. Of all the Gaul.
  • 414 – The bishop of Susa burns down a Zoroastrian fire temple, which, if you think about it, probably would have burned down all by itself.
  • 415 – Roman philosopher Hypatia is torn apart by a mob of monks in Alexandria for questioning St. Cyril's hygiene issues.
  • 415 – Visigothic King Ataulf is killed in the bath by assassins. His rubber duck and a loofa are executed as a result.
  • 417 – Pope Innocent I attacks Pelagius and Pelagianism, proponents of free will. Innocent I says it is entirely his own idea.
  • 417Justa Grata Honoria is born and immediately makes a play for the midwife's husband.
  • 420 – Frankish King Pharamond leads his army across the Rhine. He immediately has regrets, thinking it would have been better to cross over one of the bridges instead.

421 to 430

St. Augustine referees a play.

“It's all about sex and how to avoid it.”

~ St. Augustine on theology
  • 423 – Emperor Honorius found dead in bed with a brood of frozen chicks. Honorius loved his chickens.
  • 425 – British hard man Vortigern succeeds Lord Vordemort as King of the Dark Arts and ruler of Britannia.
  • 425 – Valentinian is named Emperor of the Western Roman Empire at age 6 becoming Valentinian III. His mother becomes regent and the real power behind the throne since Valentinian proves to be totally ineffective round his naptime.
  • 426St. Augustine publishes The City of God. This is a cut-out-and-keep guide on Why Suffering is Good for You, Why Bad Things Happen and God's Warped Sense of Humour.
  • 428Nestorius becomes archbishop of Constantinople. He has a few interesting theological niggles he wants to agitate
  • 429 – The Vandals invade North Africa from Spain after running out of looting opportunities. This causes rebellious Roman Carthaginian Bonifacius to make amends with the Roman Empire. The emperor names him Chief Catapult Bomb Catcher and Supreme Commander of Moving Targets.

431 to 440

The Huns pay homage to Kate Bush that Running Up That Hill is possible
  • 431 – Hippo Regius (now Annaba, Algeria) becomes the rather tatty capital of the Vandals after they besiege the city and nearly raze it to the ground. Good going.
  • 431 – Archbishop Nestorius of Constantinople is officially degraded after losing the theological arguments at the Council of Ephesus. Nestorius's clerical habit is removed and he is beaten with his own crozier until he recants.
  • 432St. Patrick lands in Ireland to convert its snakes to Christianity. Humans prove to be more amenable to the fellow, and would hold a parade in his honor even though solidly pagan snakes boycott the event.
  • 434 – With Huns on the doorstep of Constantinople, Emperor Theodosius II buys all the cheap trinkets and magazine subscriptions they offer and signs all their petitions in attempt to placate them.
'I'm a saint. I can handle these.
  • 434 – Attila comes to power in Hungary alongside his brother Bleda. We all know how that agreement will end.
  • 436 – Aetius takes on the Burgundians only to have his new Hun BFFs help him out. The Burgundian kingdom is destroyed utterly but Aetius fails to realize what a threat his newfound drinking pals will be.
  • 437 – Valentinian III becomes of age as Western Roman Emperor at 18. Rather than being a vainglorious youth, he repairs relations with the eastern empire by marrying Emperor Theodosius II's daughter, and not just to make his mother happy, or so he says. This is even though she is standing behind him with a dagger during the pronouncement. Observers wonder if Ma will be coming along for the honeymoon.
  • 438 – The holy relics of St. John Chrysostom are returned to Constantinople, where it is found he had 2 skulls, 3 femurs and 4 dozen ribs. Another miracle is added to his tab.
  • 439Greek becomes the official language of the Eastern Roman Empire after a big feta cheese and gyro craze.
  • 440 – The Huns sign a treaty with the Eastern Roman Empire but are smart enough to realise that the Western side is not included and start invading accordingly. We told you, Aetius.

441 to 450

“Kill that bastard”

~ Patriarch Discorus of Alexandria vents Christian love towards a particular rival.
Merovech
  • 441 – The Huns attack and capture Constanta despite it being a market day with no nearby parking available.
  • 443 – Famine and unrest in the British Isles lead to reports saying that it causes Romanised Brits to 'move toward Gaul'. Whether this means they camp out on the beaches or decide to bob up and down in the Channel is not clear.
  • 444 – Armagh is founded by St. Patrick, apparently without any help from anyone. He is really peeved at snakes at this point.
  • 445 – After edicts against branches of Christianity that he or his mum considers heretical, Valentinian III attacks Manichaeism even though there are no adherents in the Western Empire.
  • 448 – Books critical of Jesus are banned in a joint declaration by Emperors Theodosius and Valentinian. Existing offending works are burnt in public by Christians in a torchlight parade. Cries of 'Heil Jesus!' are heard. Time for the Jews to get worried.
  • 449Second Council of Ephesus ends in fist fights between rival Christians. Not much evidence of 'turning the other cheek'.
  • 449 – Hengist and Horsa arrive in Britain without valid passports. They come over with a band of Jutes, so-called because they arrive with hand woven bags to collect plenty of duty-free Roman merchandise. The start of the belief in Anglo-Saxon manifest destiny to create a new country.
  • 450 – Long haired barbarian Merovech becomes King of the Franks. He claims to be the son of the previous king but people notice he is actually half man/half fish. Merovech later claims he is a descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdelene and therefore King of the World. Those who support his claims are called Merovingians.

451 to 460

Attila the Hun after receiving a punch in the guts from Pope Leo I

“Huns go home!”

~ Pope Leo I
  • 451 – St. Genevieve saves Paris from the Huns by flashing her hairy armpits.
  • 451 – At the Battle of Chalons Roman commander Aetius catches the Huns with their furry breeches down and wins the battle.
  • 452Justa Grata Honoria sends Attila the Hun a steamy letter asking for help. Emperor Valentinian III reads about this in the tabloids and attempts damage control to no avail.
  • 453 – Attila drowns in his own vomit after a vigorous drinking bender with his Hun mates.
  • 455 – The Vandals sack Rome and spray paint the passing Pope Leo I. He threatens to make their name synonymous with mindless destruction - and succeeds.
  • 457 – Hengist and Horsa beat the Britons in battle near London. Horsa then dies from equine fever, brought on from too much fence jumping.
  • 458 – The Runic alphabet invented so that Led Zeppelin can write obscure messages on album covers.

461 to 470

Pope Hilarius fails to get the joke this time.

“Pfffffffft!!!!!”

  • 461 – Pope Hilarius adds a whoopee cushion to the papal throne to 'cheer everyone up'.
  • 464 – Death of Xiao Wu Di, emperor of the Lewd Song Dynasty. His rivals in the Looney Tune empire throw a party.
  • 466 – Hephthalites (also known as 'The White Power Huns') defeat their rivals the Heffalumps in central Asia. The Hephathalites invade Persia by way of celebration.
  • 468 – Supreme Commander Basiliscus of a joint West Roman and East Roman amphibious attack on Carthage loses his entire fleet when someone drops a lit fag on board his flagship. Basiliscus survives, his men don't. The ships end up as burnt driftwood.
  • 470Merlin applies for the job of Chief Wizard in the court of King Uther Pendragon of Britain.

471 to 480

“This clown show has gone on too long. My turn.”

Bodhidharma introduced Buddhism, Martial Arts and Baby Oil to China.
  • 472 – Emperor Anthemius of the Western Roman Empire loses his army, throne and dignity (in that order) as he surrenders to his own nominal employee Ricimer. The broody barbarian has Anthemius executed for being a 'grovelling Greek'.
  • 473 – Official start of the Dark Ages when peasants eat all their candles.
  • 475Buddhism comes to China with the arrival of Bodhidharma from the Bananarama monastery in India. He opens the 1st chan school to propagate the new religion. Later offshoots from 1chan (as it is later named) include 4chan and 8chan.
  • 476Romulus Augustulus is yanked off the imperial throne by Odoacer. Romulus receives a smacked botty from the barbarian but is allowed to live. Effective end of the Roman Empire in the West.
  • 477 – King Gaiseric of the Vandals dies. His last act is to trash his own death bed.
  • 480 – Birth of St. Benedict, creator of a sickly liqueur named in his dishonour.
  • 480 – Last Roman Emperor in the West Julius Nepos (deposed originally in 475) is stabbed to death by his own friends in a dispute over a gambling debt.

481 to 490

Take a holy swig
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about 5th century.

“Hang loose and inhale my stash”

~ Chillax
  • 481 – Childeric I of the Franks dies. His original heir Chillax was too cool to succeed. Chillax's younger brother Clovis is less modest. Takes the throne and kills Chillax.
  • 486 – Clovis invades Soissons in what becomes Northern France. The territory is ruled by Duke Syagrius who claims allegiance to the vanished Roman Empire in the West. Syagrius is defeated and runs off to ally with the Visigoths. They hand Syagrius back to Clovis who has his rival thrown to the dogs.
  • 488 – Death of Hengist, the first King of Kent. Still a thorough pagan.

491 to 500

  • 491 – Aelle the saxon creates Sussex as his English home. His heavy pagan metal band members frighten the local Britons to flee in terror.
  • 495 – Cerdic conquers a territory he calls 'Wessex'. He goes on to create Amex, Netflix and Suffix.
  • 496 – Frankish King Clovis joins the Catholic Church. He holds off from taking the baptismal bath for another 12 years 'just in case Woden is real'.
  • 498 – Men stop shaving. Only the clergy allowed to own razorblades from now on.

See also