Difference between revisions of "Kashmir"
(→Aid: This one too)
(→History: New section)
|(One intermediate revision by the same user not shown)|
|Line 1:||Line 1:|
to the on the , and , was an
of Kashmir and .The region was
the by [], the of .
in the of the the , ,
== Demographics ==
== Demographics ==
Revision as of 00:21, 15 August 2019
Kashmir, apart from being a really swell song by Led Zeppelin, is the northernmost part of India, unless one counts Ladakh and Arunachal Pradesh. The northernmost parts of Kashmir are not part of India at all; some are administered by Pakistan and others by China. The border (the "Line of Control") is marked unambiguously, as one does not hear gunfire before one steps across it, except in the case of incursions.
Kashmir proper is the name of a valley in the Himalayas where you need to wear a lot of Kashmir, here spelled cashmere, or you will freeze to death at night. However, Kashmir usually refers to the Indian State of Jammu and Kashmir, or would, except that in 2019, after Narendra Modi recalled all the money and replaced it with brand-new money and got re-elected anyway, he got really daring and demoted Kashmir to the Union Territory of Jammu and Kashmir. The territory has crack union soldiers taking the place of its former complacent legislators. The move was widely supported (for all anyone knows; there was no internet and telephone service for a couple key weeks), even though the move involved amputating the eastern half of the state, which is now called Ladakh.
As well as having a name that is the same as a cool song, Kashmir used to have a female Chief Minister by the cooler name of Mehbooba.
In 1947, India underwent Parturition, which gave birth to Pakistan. This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the United Kingdom to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave Muslim bits. India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party. Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu. So, faster than you can say Gerrymander, the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.
Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters. Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!" The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.
India gave a gracious offer of protection to Kashmir as a state of India, which the Maharaja accepted, provided that it be accompanied by a rock-solid, eternal assurance that India would not insist that Kashmir do anything unless Kashmir agreed with it. This became Article 3,700 of the Indian Constitution, and had a fitful long life of 72 years by the time Modi took out the scissors. It was also accompanied by a promise that the people of Kashmir would vote on it, and there are a dozen good reasons why that never happened.
Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East. Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like de jure (Latin for Wet dream), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.
A Richter 1.6 earthquake wiped out the region on the morning of October 8, 2005, with about forty thousand believed dead and more dying as food and shelter are scarce and narrow roads into the region are blocked by landslides. Authorities have been trying to pull out as many sheep as they can, alive, to save their wool making capabilities. They don't give a damn about the humans. In fact it would be better if all the humans were wiped out, it would leave more place for sheep to breed. Donate your aid at Save The Kashmir rats and Goats.com
The economy of Kashmir is based around agriculture, mainly rice. It's temperate climate and location at the source of the Indus river makes it quite tolerant of many crops. This property makes the land more desirable to India & Pakistan than finally knowing who Carly Simon was talking about in "You're So Vain".
The primary food export from the Kashmir region was Shake & Bake; as food becomes scarce, the Kashmiri pass the time playing Quake and clawing at the rubble with bare hands in an attempt to find buried friends and relatives.
Before the aforementioned name change,the national anthem of Kashmir was "Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full." by John Paul Jones and Rudyard Kipling. After the region became known as "Kashmir", it made the unusual decision to use "California Dreaming", by The Mamas and the Papas. Responding to inquiries why it did not use "Shangri-La" by The Kinks or its namesake as a song, the region's spokesperson responded, "that's exactly what they'd be expecting us to do!" It is unclear who the "they" he refers to is.
Aid efforts, like the earthquake itself, are proving to be a major disaster. Not only is help not reaching the remote rural villages where it's most desperately needed, but authorities don't seem to understand the problem. America sent Condoleeza Rice to the stricken area, only to have her sent back with the protest "No, no, no, you don't understand. We said peasants are starving because they have no rice. Send food!"
Recently, donations to Kashmir have been on the rise. According to most sources, this likely coincides with the release of Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin's book Three Cups of Tea, which mentions that Kashmir is, in fact, a real region in the world. In fact, Dr. Lionel Irving, a professor of Sociology at Nottingham University, cites "a recent study that found that 40% of Americans knew of a place named 'Kashmir'. Before the book was released, only about 20% had heard of a place called Kashmir, and 80% of the people who did thought Kashmir was some sort of Led Zeppelin fan club."
|Countries and territories of Asia|
|Euroasia||Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon|
|East Asia||People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet|
|Western Asia||Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen|
|Central Asia||Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan|
|South Asia||Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka|
|Southeast Asia||Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam|
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
|States: East Bengal • Kashmir • Kerala • Maharashtra • Mizoram • Uttar Pradesh • Tulu Nadu|
|Cities: Bangalore • Chandigarh • Pune|
|Religions: Buddhism • Hinduism • Jainism • Tantra • Zoroastrianism|
|Funny guys: Amitabh Bachchan • Bobby Deol • Barkha Dutt • Mohandas Gandhi • Nathuram Godse • Guru Maharaj Ji • Rudyard Kipling • Daler Mehndi • Narendra Modi • Manmohan Singh • Rabindranath Tagore • Mother Teresa • Zoramthanga|
|A zoo-full of deities: Ganesha • Hanuman • Kali|
|A menagerie of Bhagavad-gita articles: Bhagavad-gita • Bhagavad Gita • à la Rushdie|
|Languages: Engrish • Hindi • Sanskrit • Telugu|
|Other stuffs: BJP • BSNL • Bollywood • Border Gavaskar Trophy • Brahmin • CIPET • Curry • Football • Ganges • Holi • Indian hippies • Indian Institutes of Technology • Iyers • Jat • Kamasutra • Mango • Mughal Road • Ramayana • Rock • Rupees • Taj Mahal • The Times • Turban • Urumi • VJTI|