Difference between revisions of "Kashmir"

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[[File:Kashmir.jpg|thumb|right|242px|This map shows '''Jammu and Kashmir''', except for the gray part next to Pakistan, which is not next to it at all but effectively inside it; and the earth-toned part next to China, same notation; and the right half of what is left, which got renamed.]]
{{wikipediapar|Kashmir region|Kashmir}}
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'''Kashmir''', apart from being a really swell song by [[Led Zeppelin]], is the northernmost part of [[India]], unless one counts {{W|Ladakh}} and {{W|Arunachal Pradesh}}.  The northernmost parts of Kashmir are not part of India at all; some are administered by [[Pakistan]] and others by [[China]].  The border (the "Line of Control") is marked unambiguously, as one does not hear gunfire before one steps across it, except in the case of incursions.
  
'''Kashmir''' (formerly '''Shangri-La'''), a "disputed"<ref>really belongs to the European Union</ref> region on the border between Pakistan, Wales and India, was best known as an exporter of Kashmir wool sweaters and in-bred children. The region was renamed after the famous song by [[Led Zeppelin]] in 1980, shortly after the death of drummer [[John Bonham]]. Although this was controversial in the rest of the world, the name change was highly popular among its residents, with one resident exclaiming, "our territory may be disputed, but our love of this song is undisputed!"
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Kashmir proper is the name of a valley in the Himalayas where you need to wear a lot of Kashmir, here spelled [[Wool|cashmere]], or you will freeze to death at night.  However, Kashmir usually refers to the Indian '''State of Jammu and Kashmir''', or would, except that in 2019, after [[Narendra Modi]] recalled all the money and replaced it with brand-new money and got re-elected anyway, he got ''really'' daring and demoted Kashmir to the '''Union Territory of Jammu and Kashmir'''.  The territory has crack union soldiers taking the place of its former complacent legislators.  The move was widely supported (for all anyone knows; there was no [[internet]] and [[telephone]] service for a couple key weeks), even though the move involved amputating the eastern half of the state, which is now called Ladakh.
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As well as having a name that is the same as a cool song, Kashmir used to have a female Chief Minister by the cooler name of Mehbooba.
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== History ==
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{{wikipediapar|Jammu and Kashmir}}
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In 1947, India underwent [[WP:Partition of India|Parturition]], which gave birth to [[Pakistan]].  This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the [[United Kingdom]] to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave [[Muslim]] bits.  India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party.  Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu.  So, faster than you can say [[Gerrymander]], the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.
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Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters.  Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!"  The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.
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India gave a gracious offer of protection to Kashmir as a state of India, which the Maharaja accepted, provided that it be accompanied by a rock-solid, eternal assurance that India would not insist that Kashmir do anything unless Kashmir agreed with it.  This became Article 3,700 of the Indian [[Constitution]], and had a fitful long life of 72 years by the time Modi took out the scissors.  It was also accompanied by a promise that the people of Kashmir would vote on it, and there are a dozen good reasons why that never happened.
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Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East.  Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like ''de jure'' ([[Latin]] for [[Wet dream]]), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.
  
 
== Demographics ==
 
== Demographics ==

Revision as of 00:21, 15 August 2019

This map shows Jammu and Kashmir, except for the gray part next to Pakistan, which is not next to it at all but effectively inside it; and the earth-toned part next to China, same notation; and the right half of what is left, which got renamed.

Kashmir, apart from being a really swell song by Led Zeppelin, is the northernmost part of India, unless one counts Ladakh and Arunachal Pradesh. The northernmost parts of Kashmir are not part of India at all; some are administered by Pakistan and others by China. The border (the "Line of Control") is marked unambiguously, as one does not hear gunfire before one steps across it, except in the case of incursions.

Kashmir proper is the name of a valley in the Himalayas where you need to wear a lot of Kashmir, here spelled cashmere, or you will freeze to death at night. However, Kashmir usually refers to the Indian State of Jammu and Kashmir, or would, except that in 2019, after Narendra Modi recalled all the money and replaced it with brand-new money and got re-elected anyway, he got really daring and demoted Kashmir to the Union Territory of Jammu and Kashmir. The territory has crack union soldiers taking the place of its former complacent legislators. The move was widely supported (for all anyone knows; there was no internet and telephone service for a couple key weeks), even though the move involved amputating the eastern half of the state, which is now called Ladakh.

As well as having a name that is the same as a cool song, Kashmir used to have a female Chief Minister by the cooler name of Mehbooba.

History

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Jammu and Kashmir.

In 1947, India underwent Parturition, which gave birth to Pakistan. This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the United Kingdom to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave Muslim bits. India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party. Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu. So, faster than you can say Gerrymander, the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.

Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters. Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!" The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.

India gave a gracious offer of protection to Kashmir as a state of India, which the Maharaja accepted, provided that it be accompanied by a rock-solid, eternal assurance that India would not insist that Kashmir do anything unless Kashmir agreed with it. This became Article 3,700 of the Indian Constitution, and had a fitful long life of 72 years by the time Modi took out the scissors. It was also accompanied by a promise that the people of Kashmir would vote on it, and there are a dozen good reasons why that never happened.

Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East. Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like de jure (Latin for Wet dream), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.

Demographics

A Richter 1.6 earthquake wiped out the region on the morning of October 8, 2005, with about forty thousand believed dead and more dying as food and shelter are scarce and narrow roads into the region are blocked by landslides. Authorities have been trying to pull out as many sheep as they can, alive, to save their wool making capabilities. They don't give a damn about the humans. In fact it would be better if all the humans were wiped out, it would leave more place for sheep to breed. Donate your aid at Save The Kashmir rats and Goats.com

Economy

The economy of Kashmir is based around agriculture, mainly rice. It's temperate climate and location at the source of the Indus river makes it quite tolerant of many crops. This property makes the land more desirable to India & Pakistan than finally knowing who Carly Simon was talking about in "You're So Vain".

The primary economic competitor to Kashmir was Afghanistan, which ekes out most of its meager existence by knitting Afghan dogs and biscuits in New Zealand.

The primary food export from the Kashmir region was Shake & Bake; as food becomes scarce, the Kashmiri pass the time playing Quake and clawing at the rubble with bare hands in an attempt to find buried friends and relatives.

Kashmir is also known for its no-fault insurance, which is of little use in an earthquake. File:Led Zeppelin Band.jpeg

Politics

Pakistan's Pac-Man battles India's rat team for control of Kashmir

Before the aforementioned name change,the national anthem of Kashmir was "Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full." by John Paul Jones and Rudyard Kipling. After the region became known as "Kashmir", it made the unusual decision to use "California Dreaming", by The Mamas and the Papas. Responding to inquiries why it did not use "Shangri-La" by The Kinks or its namesake as a song, the region's spokesperson responded, "that's exactly what they'd be expecting us to do!" It is unclear who the "they" he refers to is.

Foreign aid

Aid efforts, like the earthquake itself, are proving to be a major disaster. Not only is help not reaching the remote rural villages where it's most desperately needed, but authorities don't seem to understand the problem. America sent Condoleeza Rice to the stricken area, only to have her sent back with the protest "No, no, no, you don't understand. We said peasants are starving because they have no rice. Send food!"

Recently, donations to Kashmir have been on the rise. According to most sources, this likely coincides with the release of Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin's book Three Cups of Tea, which mentions that Kashmir is, in fact, a real region in the world. In fact, Dr. Lionel Irving, a professor of Sociology at Nottingham University, cites "a recent study that found that 40% of Americans knew of a place named 'Kashmir'. Before the book was released, only about 20% had heard of a place called Kashmir, and 80% of the people who did thought Kashmir was some sort of Led Zeppelin fan club."

Footnotes

Countries and territories of Asia
Euroasia Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon
East Asia People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan) - Tibet
Western Asia Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen
Central Asia Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan
South Asia Afghanistan - Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Pakistan - Sri Lanka
Southeast Asia Cambodia - East Timor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam
Taj-mahal.jpg
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
States: East BengalKashmirKeralaMaharashtraMizoramUttar PradeshTulu Nadu
Cities: BangaloreChandigarhPune
Religions: BuddhismHinduismJainismTantraZoroastrianism
Funny guys: Amitabh BachchanBobby DeolBarkha DuttMohandas GandhiNathuram GodseGuru Maharaj JiRudyard KiplingDaler MehndiNarendra ModiManmohan SinghRabindranath TagoreMother TeresaZoramthanga‎
A zoo-full of deities: GaneshaHanumanKali
A menagerie of Bhagavad-gita articles: Bhagavad-gitaBhagavad Gitaà la Rushdie
Languages: EngrishHindiSanskritTelugu
Other stuffs: BJPBSNLBollywoodBorder Gavaskar TrophyBrahminCIPETCurryFootballGangesHoliIndian hippiesIndian Institutes of TechnologyIyersJatKamasutraMangoMughal RoadRamayanaRockRupeesTaj MahalThe TimesTurbanUrumiVJTI