Difference between revisions of "Kashmir"

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In 1947, India underwent [[WP:Partition of India|Parturition]], which gave birth to [[Pakistan]].  This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the [[United Kingdom]] to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave [[Muslim]] bits.  India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party.  Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu.  So, faster than you can say [[Gerrymander]], the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.
 
In 1947, India underwent [[WP:Partition of India|Parturition]], which gave birth to [[Pakistan]].  This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the [[United Kingdom]] to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave [[Muslim]] bits.  India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party.  Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu.  So, faster than you can say [[Gerrymander]], the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.
  
[[File:timehero.jpg|thumb|left|[[Pac-Man|"Pak Men"]] battle India's '''Rat Patrol''' for control of Kashmir]]
+
[[File:timehero.jpg|thumb|left|[[Pac-Man|"Pak Men"]] battled India's '''Rat Patrol''' for control of Kashmir.]]
 
Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters.  Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!"  The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.
 
Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters.  Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!"  The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.
  
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Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East.  Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like ''de jure'' ([[Latin]] for [[Wet dream]]), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.
 
Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East.  Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like ''de jure'' ([[Latin]] for [[Wet dream]]), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.
  
== Demographics ==
+
Pakistan is pumping more Muslims into Kashmir, almost as fast as India is pumping in non-Muslims, so that each can make the case that it is a natural to become something else.  Unfortunately for India, Article 3,700 guarantees Kashmir that, while it might have to allow outsider Indians into its restaurants, it can refuse to sell them land, shut them out for government jobs and assistance, such as getting the time of day from a [[police]]man.
A Richter 1.6 earthquake wiped out the region on the morning of [[October]] 8, [[2005]], with about forty thousand believed dead and more dying as food and shelter are scarce and narrow roads into the region are blocked by landslides.
+
 
Authorities have been trying to pull out as many sheep as they can, alive, to save their wool making capabilities.
+
===Military conflict===
They don't give a damn about the humans.
+
Since then, Pakistan and India have come to blows over Kashmir on two separate occasions:
In fact it would be better if all the humans were wiped out, it would leave more place for sheep to breed.
+
*The First Indo-Pakistani War in 1965 (at the time, simply called the Great War)
Donate your aid at ''Save The Kashmir rats and Goats.com''
+
*The Second Indo-Pakistani War in 1971
 +
 
 +
These wars were conducted mostly so that the winning country could brag that it was still growing, as there is nothing particular in the Kashmir Valley one would regard as a spoil of war worth shedding [[blood]] over, even that of the other side's soldiers.
 +
 
 +
In 1999, there was another conflict, called the [[WP:Cargill|Cargill War]].  The Army declared war against this large [[U.S.]] agrobusiness and farm-services corporation.  However, as there were no troops in the vicinity of [[Delaware|Wilmington, Delaware]], no shots were fired.  There were fears that Cargill would erect silos throughout the region, with or without [[missile]]s.  However, the helpful Article 3,700 (subtitled, '''Jammu and Kashmir Leave to Remain Dirt-Poor and Backward''') was invoked again to ensure that Cargill could not acquire the real estate.
 +
 
 +
===Insurgency===
 +
Short of outright war, a Mujahadeen movement has sprung up in Kashmir.  India believes these are Afghani Mujahadeen who arrived after the Russian occupation of Afghanistan and before the American occupation, seeking a way to keep their skills sharp.  Afghanistan denies this and says the Kashmiri warriors are merely copycats. In the words of the Afghani leader, "Oy, now everyone is a Mujahadeen!"  The local insurgency is called the '''Jammu Kashmir Liberation Front''', and its leaders have aliases.  One is Big Farooq Pappy and the other is Hai Karate, and they synchronize their military maneuvers over [[Talk radio#History|Citizens Band radio]].  Calling for a medic is an [[emergency]] [[communication]] meriting Channel 9, whereas reports of an Army convoy are done over the truckers' Channel 19.  As it is difficult to coordinate large troop movements using the rudimentary "10 codes" of CB radio, the violence has diminished to the occasional police ambush or car bombing. It is a big 10-4 that the insurgents have given up hopes of capturing territory and now merely want residents to conclude that the region is loathsome and move away.
 +
 
 +
==Government==
 +
Jammu and Kashmir has two capitals.  The government is located down in Jammu most of the year, but when the weather gets decent, it has a summer home up in Srinagar, as most senior dignitaries do too.  Immediately following the "last" snowstorm and associated avalanches, they put the gavels and statute books in several [[caravan]]s and ply the National Highway through the Pir Panjal mountains.  Low-grade legislative assistants take the [[Mughal Road]] instead. They avoid the tolls and arrive within a month of the opening of the summer session.  Deliberations in Srinagar revolve around how much time there is left to get back to Jammu before the first blizzard closes both roads again.
  
 
== Economy ==
 
== Economy ==
The economy of Kashmir is based around agriculture, mainly rice. It's temperate climate and location at the source of the Indus river makes it quite tolerant of many crops. This property makes the land more desirable to India & Pakistan than finally knowing who Carly Simon was talking about in "You're So Vain".
+
[[File:Moonshine still.jpeg|thumb|right|This Improvised Explosive Device (IED) is rice-based.]]
 +
The economy of Kashmir is based on agriculture, mainly [[rice]]. Its temperate climate and location at the source of the Indus River make it more tolerant of a variety of crops than it is of a variety of [[religion]]s. Kashmir is more desirable to both India and Pakistan than finally knowing who Carly Simon was talking about in ''You're So Vain.''
  
The primary [[economy|economic competitor]] to Kashmir was [[Afghanistan]], which ekes out most of its meager [[existence]] by knitting Afghan dogs and biscuits in [[New Zealand]].
+
The primary [[Economy|economic competitor]] to Kashmir was [[Afghanistan]].  However, if one gets to the other side of Pakistan, one finds that one can freeze to death even wearing cashmere, and must seek out home-knit Afghan dogs.
  
The primary food export from the Kashmir region was Shake & Bake; as food becomes scarce, the Kashmiri pass the time playing [[Quake the Game|Quake]] and clawing at the rubble with bare hands in an attempt to find buried friends and relatives.
+
Kashmir's primary food export is [[American cuisine|Shake & Bake]].  As food becomes scarce, the Kashmiri pass the time playing [[Quake the Game|Quake]] and clawing at rubble with bare hands to find buried friends and relatives.
  
 
Kashmir is also known for its no-fault [[insurance]], which is of little use in an earthquake.
 
Kashmir is also known for its no-fault [[insurance]], which is of little use in an earthquake.
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== Politics ==
 
== Politics ==
  
Before the aforementioned name change,the [[national anthem]] of Kashmir was "[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ledzeppelin/kashmir.html Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full]." by [[John Paul Jones]] and [[Rudyard Kipling]]. After the region became known as "Kashmir", it made the unusual decision to use "California Dreaming", by The Mamas and the Papas. Responding to inquiries why it did not use "Shangri-La" by [[The Kinks]] or its namesake as a song, the region's spokesperson responded, "that's exactly what they'd be expecting us to do!" It is unclear who the "they" he refers to is.
+
Before the name change,the [[national anthem]] of Kashmir was ''[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ledzeppelin/kashmir.html Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full]'' by [[John Paul Jones]] and [[Rudyard Kipling]]. After the region became Kashmir, it elected to use ''California Dreaming'' by The Mamas and the Papas.
  
 
== Foreign aid ==
 
== Foreign aid ==
Aid efforts, like the earthquake itself, are proving to be a major disaster. Not only is [[Help:Contents|help]] not reaching the remote rural villages where it's most desperately needed, but authorities don't seem to understand the problem. [[America]] sent [[Condoleeza Rice]] to the stricken area, only to have her sent back with the protest "No, no, no, you don't understand. We said peasants are starving because they have no [[rice]]. Send [[food]]!"
+
Earthquake aid efforts, like the earthquake itself, are a major disaster. Not only is [[Help:Contents|help]] not reaching the remote rural villages where it's most desperately needed, but authorities don't seem to understand the problem. [[America]] sent Condoleeza Rice to the stricken area, only to learn that the hungry residents had been asking for [[rice]], not for Ms. Rice.
 
 
Recently, donations to Kashmir have been on the rise. According to most sources, this likely coincides with the release of Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin's book ''Three Cups of Tea'', which mentions that Kashmir is, in fact, a real region in the world. In fact, Dr. Lionel Irving, a professor of Sociology at Nottingham University, cites "a recent study that found that 40% of Americans knew of a place named 'Kashmir'. Before the book was released, only about 20% had heard of a place called Kashmir, and 80% of the people who did thought Kashmir was some sort of Led Zeppelin fan club."
 
  
==Footnotes==
+
Recently, donations to Kashmir have been on the rise. According to most sources, this likely coincides with the release of Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin's book ''Three Cups of Tea,'' which mentions that Kashmir is, in fact, a real region in the world. In fact, Dr. Lionel Irving, a professor of Sociology at Nottingham University, cites "a recent study that found that 40% of Americans knew of a place named 'Kashmir.' Before the book was released, only about 20% had heard of a place called Kashmir, and 80% of the people who did thought Kashmir was some sort of Led Zeppelin fan club."
{{reflist}}
 
  
{{Asia}}
 
 
{{India}}
 
{{India}}
  
 
[[Category:Geography]]
 
[[Category:Geography]]
[[Category:Dangerous]]
 
[[Category:War on Terra]]
 
 
[[Category:Pakistan]]
 
[[Category:Pakistan]]
 
[[Category:India]]
 
[[Category:India]]
[[Category:Places that think they are countries]]
 
[[Category:Bad Places To Go For Holidays]]
 
  
 
[[pt:Caxemira]]
 
[[pt:Caxemira]]

Revision as of 06:04, 15 August 2019

This map shows Jammu and Kashmir, except for the gray part next to Pakistan, which is not next to it at all but effectively inside it; and the earth-toned part next to China, same notation; and the right half of what is left, which got renamed.

Kashmir, apart from being a really swell song by Led Zeppelin, is the northernmost part of India, unless one counts Ladakh and Arunachal Pradesh. The northernmost parts of Kashmir are not part of India at all; some are administered by Pakistan and others by China. The border (the "Line of Control") is marked unambiguously, as one does not hear gunfire before one steps across it, except in the case of incursions.

Kashmir proper is the name of a valley in the Himalayas where you need to wear a lot of Kashmir, here spelled cashmere, or you will freeze to death at night. However, Kashmir usually refers to the Indian State of Jammu and Kashmir, or would, except that in 2019, after Narendra Modi recalled all the money and replaced it with brand-new money and got re-elected anyway, he got really daring and demoted Kashmir to the Union Territory of Jammu and Kashmir. The territory has crack union soldiers taking the place of its former complacent legislators. The move was widely supported (for all anyone knows; there was no internet and telephone service for a couple key weeks), even though the move involved amputating the eastern half of the state, which is now called Ladakh.

As well as having a name that is the same as a cool song, Kashmir used to have a female Chief Minister by the cooler name of Mehbooba.

History

Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jammu and Kashmir.

In 1947, India underwent Parturition, which gave birth to Pakistan. This was the realization that, whether it had been a mistake for the United Kingdom to pull out, it was certainly a mistake to leave Muslim bits. India thought it had given them away, but notably failed to gift-wrap the 96%-Muslim Kashmir Valley to leave on the same doorstep, as Kashmir's Maharaja was a fan of India's ruling party. Muslims are a mere plurality in the East and would lose a fair fistfight if the other religions ganged up on it, and are nothing at all down in Jammu. So, faster than you can say Gerrymander, the State of Jammu and Kashmir was born, where one can hardly even convert an infidel by the sword.

"Pak Men" battled India's Rat Patrol for control of Kashmir.

Within the same year, Pakistan became aware of the oversight of India not gifting it Kashmir and sought to rectify matters. Invaders from Pakistan used the motto, "What's ours is ours / What's yours is...negotiable!" The defenders were burdened by the fact that Kashmir is the only place in the region that is not in Pakistan but wishes it was.

India gave a gracious offer of protection to Kashmir as a state of India, which the Maharaja accepted, provided that it be accompanied by a rock-solid, eternal assurance that India would not insist that Kashmir do anything unless Kashmir agreed with it. This became Article 3,700 of the Indian Constitution, and had a fitful long life of 72 years by the time Modi took out the scissors. It was also accompanied by a promise that the people of Kashmir would vote on it, and there are a dozen good reasons why that never happened.

Failing to get Kashmir in an honest gunfight, Pakistan settled for the entire North and West, while China grabbed a hunk of the East. Diplomats still draw lines around the whole thing as part of India, and use phrases like de jure (Latin for Wet dream), and prepare to stay in office for several more decades to debate more changes in the region's official status.

Pakistan is pumping more Muslims into Kashmir, almost as fast as India is pumping in non-Muslims, so that each can make the case that it is a natural to become something else. Unfortunately for India, Article 3,700 guarantees Kashmir that, while it might have to allow outsider Indians into its restaurants, it can refuse to sell them land, shut them out for government jobs and assistance, such as getting the time of day from a policeman.

Military conflict

Since then, Pakistan and India have come to blows over Kashmir on two separate occasions:

  • The First Indo-Pakistani War in 1965 (at the time, simply called the Great War)
  • The Second Indo-Pakistani War in 1971

These wars were conducted mostly so that the winning country could brag that it was still growing, as there is nothing particular in the Kashmir Valley one would regard as a spoil of war worth shedding blood over, even that of the other side's soldiers.

In 1999, there was another conflict, called the Cargill War. The Army declared war against this large U.S. agrobusiness and farm-services corporation. However, as there were no troops in the vicinity of Wilmington, Delaware, no shots were fired. There were fears that Cargill would erect silos throughout the region, with or without missiles. However, the helpful Article 3,700 (subtitled, Jammu and Kashmir Leave to Remain Dirt-Poor and Backward) was invoked again to ensure that Cargill could not acquire the real estate.

Insurgency

Short of outright war, a Mujahadeen movement has sprung up in Kashmir. India believes these are Afghani Mujahadeen who arrived after the Russian occupation of Afghanistan and before the American occupation, seeking a way to keep their skills sharp. Afghanistan denies this and says the Kashmiri warriors are merely copycats. In the words of the Afghani leader, "Oy, now everyone is a Mujahadeen!" The local insurgency is called the Jammu Kashmir Liberation Front, and its leaders have aliases. One is Big Farooq Pappy and the other is Hai Karate, and they synchronize their military maneuvers over Citizens Band radio. Calling for a medic is an emergency communication meriting Channel 9, whereas reports of an Army convoy are done over the truckers' Channel 19. As it is difficult to coordinate large troop movements using the rudimentary "10 codes" of CB radio, the violence has diminished to the occasional police ambush or car bombing. It is a big 10-4 that the insurgents have given up hopes of capturing territory and now merely want residents to conclude that the region is loathsome and move away.

Government

Jammu and Kashmir has two capitals. The government is located down in Jammu most of the year, but when the weather gets decent, it has a summer home up in Srinagar, as most senior dignitaries do too. Immediately following the "last" snowstorm and associated avalanches, they put the gavels and statute books in several caravans and ply the National Highway through the Pir Panjal mountains. Low-grade legislative assistants take the Mughal Road instead. They avoid the tolls and arrive within a month of the opening of the summer session. Deliberations in Srinagar revolve around how much time there is left to get back to Jammu before the first blizzard closes both roads again.

Economy

This Improvised Explosive Device (IED) is rice-based.

The economy of Kashmir is based on agriculture, mainly rice. Its temperate climate and location at the source of the Indus River make it more tolerant of a variety of crops than it is of a variety of religions. Kashmir is more desirable to both India and Pakistan than finally knowing who Carly Simon was talking about in You're So Vain.

The primary economic competitor to Kashmir was Afghanistan. However, if one gets to the other side of Pakistan, one finds that one can freeze to death even wearing cashmere, and must seek out home-knit Afghan dogs.

Kashmir's primary food export is Shake & Bake. As food becomes scarce, the Kashmiri pass the time playing Quake and clawing at rubble with bare hands to find buried friends and relatives.

Kashmir is also known for its no-fault insurance, which is of little use in an earthquake.

Politics

Before the name change,the national anthem of Kashmir was Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full by John Paul Jones and Rudyard Kipling. After the region became Kashmir, it elected to use California Dreaming by The Mamas and the Papas.

Foreign aid

Earthquake aid efforts, like the earthquake itself, are a major disaster. Not only is help not reaching the remote rural villages where it's most desperately needed, but authorities don't seem to understand the problem. America sent Condoleeza Rice to the stricken area, only to learn that the hungry residents had been asking for rice, not for Ms. Rice.

Recently, donations to Kashmir have been on the rise. According to most sources, this likely coincides with the release of Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin's book Three Cups of Tea, which mentions that Kashmir is, in fact, a real region in the world. In fact, Dr. Lionel Irving, a professor of Sociology at Nottingham University, cites "a recent study that found that 40% of Americans knew of a place named 'Kashmir.' Before the book was released, only about 20% had heard of a place called Kashmir, and 80% of the people who did thought Kashmir was some sort of Led Zeppelin fan club."

Taj-mahal.jpg
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
States: East BengalKashmirKeralaMaharashtraMizoramUttar PradeshTulu Nadu
Cities: BangaloreChandigarhPune
Religions: BuddhismHinduismJainismTantraZoroastrianism
Funny guys: Amitabh BachchanBobby DeolBarkha DuttMohandas GandhiNathuram GodseGuru Maharaj JiRudyard KiplingDaler MehndiNarendra ModiManmohan SinghRabindranath TagoreMother TeresaZoramthanga‎
A zoo-full of deities: GaneshaHanumanKali
A menagerie of Bhagavad-gita articles: Bhagavad-gitaBhagavad Gitaà la Rushdie
Languages: EngrishHindiSanskritTelugu
Other stuffs: BJPBSNLBollywoodBorder Gavaskar TrophyBrahminCIPETCurryFootballGangesHoliIndian hippiesIndian Institutes of TechnologyIyersJatKamasutraMangoMughal RoadRamayanaRockRupeesTaj MahalThe TimesTurbanUrumiVJTI