Difference between revisions of "Wasting time"

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{{Whoops|Golf}}
 
{{Whoops|Golf}}
  
'''Wasting time''' is... well, you know. That thing that people do. A good example of it would be saying what it is, because, you know... some people do it when they're bored, some people do it just because. You know. Anyway... yeah. Almost everyone in the world has wasted time at one point or another in their lives. It happens all over: in cities, towns, villages, countries, provinces, nations, states, continents, islands, hole-in-the-road towns barely big enough to hold a post office, everywhere.  
+
[[Image:TVTropesBrowsing.jpg|300px|thumb|Browsing [[TV Tropes]] is one of the most tried-and-true methods of wasting time. Watch those hours slip away!]]
  
[[Image:WOT1.jpg|thumb|A waste of time.]]There are two very basic categories of time-wasting: wasting your own time and wasting other people's time.
+
'''Wasting time''' is humanity's favorite activity. Popular time-wasting methods include watching [[paint]] dry, playing [[Angry Birds]], reading [[Cracked]] or [[Uncyclopedia]] articles, and mouthing off to others about how much time they waste.<ref>Psychologists often suggest that this sort of 'wastrel-shaming' is merely a projection of one's own time-wasting insecurities onto others. Others conclude that these psychologists are just [[idiots|hacks]] whose "work" is nothing but a waste of time.</ref>
  
==History of time wasting==
+
Almost everyone in the world has wasted time at some point in their lives. Wherever one might look, people all around are surely wasting time: cities, countries, nations, states, continents, islands, hole-in-the-road towns barely big enough to hold a [[post office]], [[exoplanet]]s -- ''everywhere''.
Yes, of course we have to include a History section of the article. What do you think we are, clever? No, there are certain rules and regulations to be had. What? You don't believe me? Fine. Here's proof. Go to Google and look up "history laws". Click the forty-seventh result, scroll down until you get to the end, and click the third to last link on the page. Find the fourth paragraph, sixth word. Copy it and enter it into the Search bar on [[Youtube|YouTube]]. Watch the first video result and enter the [[password]] given to you by the Oompa-Loompa in the background into [[MySpace]], signing in with any email address. Check your Inbox and read the message from the guy named Dirk. After you read the message, go onto his profile and divide the number of friends he has by his age (his MySpace-posted age, not his real one), then multiply that number by the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. Margin of error of three is acceptable. Take that number, Google it, and hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Find the median link and Google it. Read the very last result - it's probably an ad for porn or something, but congratulations. You have now wasted several days of your own time. For all I care, that's the hisory of wasting time right there.
 
  
[[Image:WOT3.jpg|thumb|A waste of time.]]Or maybe, time wasting began in the year 0 when [[God]] decided he was tired of having such a vast, infinite stock of time. He felt guilty because he was keeping it all to himself. So God said, "But what can I do with all this time? I don't really need it, and there's no real use for it." He had already tried various applications for time. He had tried making a time bunny out of it, but it had the nastiest habit of slipping through his fingers, no matter how long he held onto it. He tried skeet shooting with it, but it flew too quickly because skeet shooting was too much fun. Finally, God tried selling it online, but since "Every second is of infinite value", no one could afford it.
+
There are two basic categories of time-wasting: wasting your own time and [[HowTo:Fuck with people's heads|wasting other people's time]]. Often, [[HowTo:Kill two birds with one stone|both can be accomplished at the same time.]]
  
So God got frustrated with time, decided he was tired of dealing with its presence, kicked it out of Heaven. Lonely and dejected, time wandered the universe looking for a job. It applied for a job pumping gas at Alpha Centauri, but was turned down due to a lack of credit. It went for a clerking position at Galactic Central Point, but it wasn't bright enough to fulfill the position. Finally, desperate, time found a refugee's home on the planet Earth. However, time didn't realize that Earth was populated by humans, and thus some of its vastness was squandered for such things as pornography, [[France]], and a [[hell]] of a lot of [[Badger badger badger|badgers]].
+
==History of time-wasting==
  
=='''Wasting Your Own Time''', Part 1==
+
[[Image:WOT1.jpg|190px|left|thumb|"Stop wasting time, Frederick! That clock isn't going to clean itself!"]]
'''So you want to waste time.''' Congratulations. Reading this article is a good start. Nominating it for Featured is another good start.
 
  
[[Image:WOT2.jpg|thumb|A waste of time.]]To waste your own time, you must first have time. Acquiring time is simple. One popular method is to wait. This is a fairly efficient method of wasting time because for every minute granted to you through waiting, one minute is wasted by waiting. However, this ratio is fairly low in comparison to other methods, and time only comes at a rate of one minute per minute, which is pretty slow.
+
Yes, of course we have to include a History section in this article. What do you think we are, clever? No, there are certain rules and regulations all Uncyclopedia articles must follow, and this is one of them.<ref>Other mandatory article-writing practices include making a reference to [[kitten huffing]] and including an [[Oscar Wilde]] quote, but you'll find neither of those here, because adding them would be a waste of time.</ref>
  
Another method of acquiring time is using a [[time machine]] to manufacture some time. This makes things a bit more complicated- operating a time machine is generally not seen as "wasting", per se, so you have to subtract the time you take to operate the machine from the time the machine produces. However, this detraction is usually negligible because the time machine generates most of the time you need to waste.
+
What? You don't believe me? Fine, I'll give you proof. Go to Google and look up "history laws". Click the forty-seventh result, scroll down until you get to the end, and click the third to last link on the page. Find the fourth paragraph, sixth word. Copy it and enter it into the Search bar on [[Youtube|YouTube]]. Watch the first video result and enter the [[password]] given to you by the Oompa-Loompa in the background into [[MySpace]], signing in with any email address. Check your Inbox and read the message from the guy named Dirk. After you read the message, go onto his profile and divide the number of friends he has by his age,<ref>By this, we mean his MySpace-posted age, not his real one.</ref> then multiply that number by the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's [[rectum]].<ref>This can be easily ascertained by performing a chemical analysis, or by Googling it.</ref> Margin of error of three is acceptable. Take that number, Google it, and hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Read the very last result - it's probably an ad for porn or something, but whatever it is, congratulations. Once you've made it this far, you'll have surely learned all there is to learn about Uncyclopedia's history rules!
  
=='''Wasting Your Own Time''', Part 2==
+
[[Prank|Just kidding.]] Actually, you've only wasted your time -- hours and hours of it, likely enough. What did you expect? Honestly, for all I care, that's the history of wasting time right there. Nothing much has ever changed about it, and chances are that nothing much ever will.
Now that you've got time... '''...how do you waste it?''' There exists a massive variety of ways to waste built-up time. A few are listed as follows:
 
  
*Read the same book more than once. Or watch a mystery movie more than once. Honestly, man! What are you going to do, act surprised at the ending? No wonder you have no life.
+
[[Image:WOT3.jpg|200px|thumb|What in the world is happening here? Don't know, don't care. Trying to figure that out would be a complete waste of time.]]
*Write angry "Letters to the Editor".
+
 
*Read a "Twilight" book. (WARNING: This waste of time will cause serious brain damage.)
+
That said, if we have to be specific, it's likely enough that time-wasting began in the year 0, when [[God]] first decided he was tired of having such a vast, infinite stock of time. He felt guilty for keeping it all to himself, so he wondered what he might do with it all. He tried his hand at various applications for time, such as making a time-bunny out of it, but it had the nastiest habit of slipping through his fingers, no matter how long he held onto it. He tried skeet-shooting with it, but it flew too quickly because skeet shooting was too much fun. Finally, God attempted to sell it online, but since [[Duck proverbs|every second is of infinite value]], no one could afford it.
*Ignore their replies, if any (this actually ties into "Wasting Other People's Time", but [[Nobody cares|oh well]].)
+
 
*Watch the news. I mean, really. Anything you would conceivably care about you should already know.
+
Frustrated with time, God decided he was tired of dealing with its presence, so he banished it from heaven. Lonely and dejected, time wandered the universe looking for some way to make itself useful. It applied for a job pumping gas at Alpha Centauri, but was turned down due to a lack of credit. Next, it went for a clerking position at Galactic Central Point, but it wasn't bright enough to do the job. Finally, desperate, time took refuge on the planet Earth. However, time didn't realize that Earth was populated by [[human]]s, who immediately began to squander vast quantities of it on such things as [[pornography]], the [[France|Franco]]-[[Prussia]]n War, and [[Badger badger badger|viral videos]].
*Read UnNews. For the same reason as above.
+
 
*Fish.
+
==Wasting your own time==
*Write Uncylcopedia articles because you feel like you have a sense of humor.
+
 
*Make fun of random people. For example: [[Your mom|My mom]] is so fat, when she puts on a yellow sweater people yell "Taxi!"
+
[[Image:ToiletReading.jpg|thumb|left|190px|Many people read on the [[toilet]] to keep themselves from dwelling on how much time they waste taking a [[shit|dump]] each day.]]
*Then laugh at the people who say those kinds of jokes because you're just trying to make them feel good, but deep down you're thinking "What an idiot."
+
 
*Being a n00b
+
If you want to waste time, you've come to the right place. Reading this article is a good start -- think of all the time you've already wasted to have made it this far! Nevertheless, if you wish to waste some more, the following are well-known methods of doing so. Just think of all the time you'll waste reading through them!
*Graduating from high school, spending 30,000 dollars to get your bachelor's degree, spending 60,000 dollars to get your master's degree, taking the teacher's test and acquiring a license, THEN running the class how YOU want to. Now shut up and get back to work.
+
 
 +
===Acquiring time to waste===
 +
 
 +
You can't waste time if you don't have any time on your hands in the first place. Thankfully, acquiring time is simple. One popular method is to stand still and wait. This is fairly efficient, because for every minute granted to you through waiting, one minute is wasted. However, this ratio is fairly low in comparison to other methods, and time only comes at a rate of one minute per minute.
 +
 
 +
Alternatively, if you happen to be a brilliant scientist, you can manufacture a [[time machine]] and create all the time you need. This is slightly more complicated -- time spent operating the machine doesn't count as wasted, so you must subtract this time from the amount the machine produces.
 +
 
 +
Math is difficult, so if you don't want to muck about with all of that nonsense, you can always buy time if you have the money.<ref>Since [[Time is Money|time is money]] itself, it's technically more of a form of barter.</ref> [[IKEA]], for instance, sells boxes of time, model ''TIDSSLÖSARE'', which are easy to unpack and make for splendid decor in any living room.
 +
 
 +
===Methods of wasting time===
 +
 
 +
[[Image:WOT2.jpg|thumb|210px|Someone poured hours into building this [[Lego]] sculpture, which will ultimately serve no purpose for society's benefit. What a waste of time!]]
 +
 
 +
Once you have acquired sufficient time to waste, a common dilemma often follows: finding an appropriate way to waste it. People often waste countless hours of precious time trying to determine how to waste it. To avoid such tragedy, try any one of these popular methods:
 +
 
 +
*Read the same book more than once. Or watch a mystery movie more than once. Honestly, what are you going to do, act surprised at the ending?
 +
*Write angry "Letters to the Editor," which the Editor will promptly throw in [[trash|File 13]], or never receive in the first place.  
 +
*Read ''Twilight'' -- it's so old-hat by now that not even hating on it is cool anymore. Trust me, the only thing you'll accomplish is killing a few hours of your time.
 +
*Watch the news. Any network will do. Chances are, nothing important happened today, and they're just wasting airtime covering some country bumpkin who's fostering sixteen eyeless puppies.
 +
*[[Fishing|Go fish]].
 +
*Play [[Cards|'Go Fish.']]
 +
*Write Uncylcopedia articles, because you feel like you have a sense of humor.
 +
*Write [[Conservapedia]] articles, because you left your brain on the bus last week and don't quite feel motivated to get it back yet.
 +
*Take to the streets. Make fun of everyone you pass. For example: [[Your mom|My mom]] is so fat, when she puts on a yellow sweater people yell "Taxi!" Trite insults like that probably won't even faze most people, so you'll have wasted your time ''and'' theirs!
 +
*Graduate from high school, spend 30,000 dollars to get your bachelor's degree, shell out 60,000 more to get your master's degree, and take the teacher's test to acquire a license. Now you can run the class the way ''you'' want to.
 
*<span style="color:#ffffff">Writing in white text in order to fool people. See? I fooled you. Ha! Bet you never saw that coming.</span>
 
*<span style="color:#ffffff">Writing in white text in order to fool people. See? I fooled you. Ha! Bet you never saw that coming.</span>
 +
*Kitten huffing.<ref>Ha! I told you there wouldn't be any kitten-huffing references in this article, but I lied! That means listening to me the first time was nothing but a waste of time. Gotcha!</ref>
  
==Wasting Other People's Time==
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==Wasting other people's time==
Wasting other people's time is, fortunately, much easier than wasting your own. Also much more satisfactory. All you have to do is find some un|willing sap whose time you wish to waste, and waste it. What? You want to know how? Oh, honestly. Do I really have to lead you through with a carrot? Fine, fine...
+
Wasting other people's time is, fortunately, much easier than wasting your own. It can also be much more satisfactory. All you must do is find some sap whose time you wish to waste, then lead them unwittingly on a wild [[goose]] chase. For instance, you can point into the nearest tree and insist repeatedly that there is a [[snake|green mamba]] in the branches. Your victim will squint and tilt his head about, wasting precious minutes trying to see what isn't there.
  
Tell them a joke like this:
+
Of course, this method may not always prevail. If so, you can instead tell them a joke like this:
  
''A boy turns five years old and his father asks him what he wants for his birthday. "I want a pink ping pong ball," said the boy. The dad doesn't get it, but he buys the boy a pink ping-pong ball anyway. ''
+
''A boy turns five years old and his father asks him what he wants for his birthday. "I want a pink ping pong ball," said the boy. The dad doesn't get it, but he buys the boy a pink ping-pong ball anyway.''
  
''Five years later the kid turns ten and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a hundred pink ping pong balls," he says. The dad tries to change his mind, but the kid is stubborn, so the dad gives in and gets him what he wants. ''
+
''Five years later, the kid turns ten, and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a hundred pink ping pong balls," he says. The dad tries to change his mind, but the kid is stubborn, so the dad gives in and gets him what he wants.''
  
''Six years later, the kid turns sixteen and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a thousand pink ping pong balls," the kid says. This time the dad argues with the kid, trying to get him to accept something else (like, say, a car), but the kid won't listen. So, once again, he gets his way. ''
+
''Six years later, the kid turns sixteen, and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a thousand pink ping pong balls," the kid says. This time the dad argues with the kid, trying to get him to accept something else (like, say, a [[Is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?|car]]), but the kid won't listen. So, once again, he gets his way.''
  
''Two years later, the kid turns eighteen- finally an adult. The father asks him what he wants to celebrate, and he goes "Ten thousand pink ping pong balls." They argue all through dinner and well into the night, but the dad's claims that his son is crazy just won't get through to him. So he buys him the pink ping pong balls. ''
+
''Two years later, the kid turns eighteen -- adulthood, at last. The father asks him what he wants to celebrate, and of course, out comes the response he feared: "Ten thousand pink ping pong balls." They argue all through dinner and well into the night, but the dad's claims that his son is crazy just won't get through to him. So he buys him the pink ping pong balls.''
  
''Three years later, the guy turns twenty-one and his father offers to take him to a bar. The kid accepts, but only if he can have a hundred thousand pink ping pong balls first. The father doesn't even try arguing, and gets the guy what he wants. So they go out and have a beer at their local tavern. ''
+
''Three years later, the guy turns twenty-one, and his father offers to take him to a bar. The kid accepts, but only if he can have a hundred thousand pink ping pong balls first. The father doesn't even try arguing, and gets his son what he wants. They go out and have a beer at their local tavern.''
  
''On their way out of the bar, the guy walks into the road and gets hit full-on by a semi. The father runs to the boy's broken body, and one look tells him that he isn't going to make it. As he stares into his son's eyes, tears welling up in his own, he asks his son one thing, one thing he's always wanted to know. ''
+
''On their way out of the bar, the guy walks into the road and gets hit full-on by a semi. The father runs to the boy's broken body, and one look tells him that he isn't going to make it. As he stares into his son's eyes, tears welling up in his own, he asks his son one thing, one thing he's always wanted to know.''
  
 
''"Son... I just have to know this. What did you do with all of those pink ping pong balls?" And the kid looks up into his father's eyes... it's obvious he's fading fast... he slowly takes in a breath... whispers... ''
 
''"Son... I just have to know this. What did you do with all of those pink ping pong balls?" And the kid looks up into his father's eyes... it's obvious he's fading fast... he slowly takes in a breath... whispers... ''
  
''"Dad... I..." and dies.'' (He rented a storage unit, but keep it to yourself!)
+
''"Dad... I..." and dies.''
  
 
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
 
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
  
Or atleast keep saying random things to annoy people
+
Or, at least, keep saying random things to annoy people. ''[[Orange]]s!''
 +
 
 +
===Caution!===
 +
Do not confuse wasting time with passing time. Passing time is the act of wasting time combined with actually doing something, which makes the whole concept of time wasting a senseless and confusing waste of time... ''damn it!''
  
=Caution!=
+
==Notes==
Do not confuse wasting time with passing time. Passing time is the act of wasting time combined with actually doing something, which makes the whole concept of time wasting a senseless and confusing '''waste of time'''. Damnit.
+
{{references}}
  
 
[[Category:Life]]
 
[[Category:Life]]
[[Category:Things controlled by Jews]]
 

Revision as of 20:03, 15 August 2019

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Golf?
Browsing TV Tropes is one of the most tried-and-true methods of wasting time. Watch those hours slip away!

Wasting time is humanity's favorite activity. Popular time-wasting methods include watching paint dry, playing Angry Birds, reading Cracked or Uncyclopedia articles, and mouthing off to others about how much time they waste.[1]

Almost everyone in the world has wasted time at some point in their lives. Wherever one might look, people all around are surely wasting time: cities, countries, nations, states, continents, islands, hole-in-the-road towns barely big enough to hold a post office, exoplanets -- everywhere.

There are two basic categories of time-wasting: wasting your own time and wasting other people's time. Often, both can be accomplished at the same time.

History of time-wasting

"Stop wasting time, Frederick! That clock isn't going to clean itself!"

Yes, of course we have to include a History section in this article. What do you think we are, clever? No, there are certain rules and regulations all Uncyclopedia articles must follow, and this is one of them.[2]

What? You don't believe me? Fine, I'll give you proof. Go to Google and look up "history laws". Click the forty-seventh result, scroll down until you get to the end, and click the third to last link on the page. Find the fourth paragraph, sixth word. Copy it and enter it into the Search bar on YouTube. Watch the first video result and enter the password given to you by the Oompa-Loompa in the background into MySpace, signing in with any email address. Check your Inbox and read the message from the guy named Dirk. After you read the message, go onto his profile and divide the number of friends he has by his age,[3] then multiply that number by the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's rectum.[4] Margin of error of three is acceptable. Take that number, Google it, and hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Read the very last result - it's probably an ad for porn or something, but whatever it is, congratulations. Once you've made it this far, you'll have surely learned all there is to learn about Uncyclopedia's history rules!

Just kidding. Actually, you've only wasted your time -- hours and hours of it, likely enough. What did you expect? Honestly, for all I care, that's the history of wasting time right there. Nothing much has ever changed about it, and chances are that nothing much ever will.

What in the world is happening here? Don't know, don't care. Trying to figure that out would be a complete waste of time.

That said, if we have to be specific, it's likely enough that time-wasting began in the year 0, when God first decided he was tired of having such a vast, infinite stock of time. He felt guilty for keeping it all to himself, so he wondered what he might do with it all. He tried his hand at various applications for time, such as making a time-bunny out of it, but it had the nastiest habit of slipping through his fingers, no matter how long he held onto it. He tried skeet-shooting with it, but it flew too quickly because skeet shooting was too much fun. Finally, God attempted to sell it online, but since every second is of infinite value, no one could afford it.

Frustrated with time, God decided he was tired of dealing with its presence, so he banished it from heaven. Lonely and dejected, time wandered the universe looking for some way to make itself useful. It applied for a job pumping gas at Alpha Centauri, but was turned down due to a lack of credit. Next, it went for a clerking position at Galactic Central Point, but it wasn't bright enough to do the job. Finally, desperate, time took refuge on the planet Earth. However, time didn't realize that Earth was populated by humans, who immediately began to squander vast quantities of it on such things as pornography, the Franco-Prussian War, and viral videos.

Wasting your own time

Many people read on the toilet to keep themselves from dwelling on how much time they waste taking a dump each day.

If you want to waste time, you've come to the right place. Reading this article is a good start -- think of all the time you've already wasted to have made it this far! Nevertheless, if you wish to waste some more, the following are well-known methods of doing so. Just think of all the time you'll waste reading through them!

Acquiring time to waste

You can't waste time if you don't have any time on your hands in the first place. Thankfully, acquiring time is simple. One popular method is to stand still and wait. This is fairly efficient, because for every minute granted to you through waiting, one minute is wasted. However, this ratio is fairly low in comparison to other methods, and time only comes at a rate of one minute per minute.

Alternatively, if you happen to be a brilliant scientist, you can manufacture a time machine and create all the time you need. This is slightly more complicated -- time spent operating the machine doesn't count as wasted, so you must subtract this time from the amount the machine produces.

Math is difficult, so if you don't want to muck about with all of that nonsense, you can always buy time if you have the money.[5] IKEA, for instance, sells boxes of time, model TIDSSLÖSARE, which are easy to unpack and make for splendid decor in any living room.

Methods of wasting time

Someone poured hours into building this Lego sculpture, which will ultimately serve no purpose for society's benefit. What a waste of time!

Once you have acquired sufficient time to waste, a common dilemma often follows: finding an appropriate way to waste it. People often waste countless hours of precious time trying to determine how to waste it. To avoid such tragedy, try any one of these popular methods:

  • Read the same book more than once. Or watch a mystery movie more than once. Honestly, what are you going to do, act surprised at the ending?
  • Write angry "Letters to the Editor," which the Editor will promptly throw in File 13, or never receive in the first place.
  • Read Twilight -- it's so old-hat by now that not even hating on it is cool anymore. Trust me, the only thing you'll accomplish is killing a few hours of your time.
  • Watch the news. Any network will do. Chances are, nothing important happened today, and they're just wasting airtime covering some country bumpkin who's fostering sixteen eyeless puppies.
  • Go fish.
  • Play 'Go Fish.'
  • Write Uncylcopedia articles, because you feel like you have a sense of humor.
  • Write Conservapedia articles, because you left your brain on the bus last week and don't quite feel motivated to get it back yet.
  • Take to the streets. Make fun of everyone you pass. For example: My mom is so fat, when she puts on a yellow sweater people yell "Taxi!" Trite insults like that probably won't even faze most people, so you'll have wasted your time and theirs!
  • Graduate from high school, spend 30,000 dollars to get your bachelor's degree, shell out 60,000 more to get your master's degree, and take the teacher's test to acquire a license. Now you can run the class the way you want to.
  • Writing in white text in order to fool people. See? I fooled you. Ha! Bet you never saw that coming.
  • Kitten huffing.[6]

Wasting other people's time

Wasting other people's time is, fortunately, much easier than wasting your own. It can also be much more satisfactory. All you must do is find some sap whose time you wish to waste, then lead them unwittingly on a wild goose chase. For instance, you can point into the nearest tree and insist repeatedly that there is a green mamba in the branches. Your victim will squint and tilt his head about, wasting precious minutes trying to see what isn't there.

Of course, this method may not always prevail. If so, you can instead tell them a joke like this:

A boy turns five years old and his father asks him what he wants for his birthday. "I want a pink ping pong ball," said the boy. The dad doesn't get it, but he buys the boy a pink ping-pong ball anyway.

Five years later, the kid turns ten, and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a hundred pink ping pong balls," he says. The dad tries to change his mind, but the kid is stubborn, so the dad gives in and gets him what he wants.

Six years later, the kid turns sixteen, and his father asks him what he wants. "I want a thousand pink ping pong balls," the kid says. This time the dad argues with the kid, trying to get him to accept something else (like, say, a car), but the kid won't listen. So, once again, he gets his way.

Two years later, the kid turns eighteen -- adulthood, at last. The father asks him what he wants to celebrate, and of course, out comes the response he feared: "Ten thousand pink ping pong balls." They argue all through dinner and well into the night, but the dad's claims that his son is crazy just won't get through to him. So he buys him the pink ping pong balls.

Three years later, the guy turns twenty-one, and his father offers to take him to a bar. The kid accepts, but only if he can have a hundred thousand pink ping pong balls first. The father doesn't even try arguing, and gets his son what he wants. They go out and have a beer at their local tavern.

On their way out of the bar, the guy walks into the road and gets hit full-on by a semi. The father runs to the boy's broken body, and one look tells him that he isn't going to make it. As he stares into his son's eyes, tears welling up in his own, he asks his son one thing, one thing he's always wanted to know.

"Son... I just have to know this. What did you do with all of those pink ping pong balls?" And the kid looks up into his father's eyes... it's obvious he's fading fast... he slowly takes in a breath... whispers...

"Dad... I..." and dies.

Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Or, at least, keep saying random things to annoy people. Oranges!

Caution!

Do not confuse wasting time with passing time. Passing time is the act of wasting time combined with actually doing something, which makes the whole concept of time wasting a senseless and confusing waste of time... damn it!

Notes

  1. Psychologists often suggest that this sort of 'wastrel-shaming' is merely a projection of one's own time-wasting insecurities onto others. Others conclude that these psychologists are just hacks whose "work" is nothing but a waste of time.
  2. Other mandatory article-writing practices include making a reference to kitten huffing and including an Oscar Wilde quote, but you'll find neither of those here, because adding them would be a waste of time.
  3. By this, we mean his MySpace-posted age, not his real one.
  4. This can be easily ascertained by performing a chemical analysis, or by Googling it.
  5. Since time is money itself, it's technically more of a form of barter.
  6. Ha! I told you there wouldn't be any kitten-huffing references in this article, but I lied! That means listening to me the first time was nothing but a waste of time. Gotcha!