AMD
“Did you mean: Intel made in Paraguay”
AMD is an acronym for A Minor Distraction (to arch-rival Intel) or America's Major Disaster. The Company itself was founded by Jim, who's friend knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a cousin, who happens to be the brother of John, the founder of Intel. Originally a collection of second-rate hacker wannabes, AMD purchased K6 computing in 1998, gaining something revolutionary for the company, mainly a Division for R&D that doesn't suck. Now, AMD not only reverse engineers Intel Processors, they design completely new processors that kick every form of ass currently known to man.
In previous years, AMD lagged behind other manufacturers in performance, so in an effort to disguise their lower quality, they came up with an amazingly useless numbering scheme, magnified in complexity by 4 product lines. Processors are given a "rating" as determined below:
Current Options[edit]
Among other things, AMD manufactures the Optepr0n, a 64-bit microprocessor that is optimized for serving porn on the Internet and the Sempr0n microprocessor — a 64-bit version that is targeted at end-users and is usable only for viewing porn. AMD is also known as the creator of the Athlon.
- Gillette Fusion Power Phenom: A rebranded quad core version of the Athlon Piss Poor. Steals the white and blue scheme of Intel. Phenom II is the failed sequel of Phenom. Venus Embrace is the next sequel, surpassing Opterpr0n with 12 cores.
- The FX 74: The premium Offering of Uber Chips. These money (and power) gobbling beasts will suck your cash away like nothin' you've ever seen. However, once installed, they will run all your programs like magic. Elves and Pixies will visit your home and sing you to sleep. Your dishwasher will get your dishes cleaner. Your teeth will be whitened, and people will like you more. Rumour has it that it also keeps your house clean. Rumour also has it that intels craw 2 does all these things, but uses a negative amount of electricity, and actually pays you back over time.
- The Other FX Chips: Powerful, but not amazing. Nerds with too much money toss their hard-earned cah at these for good performers, but they are kinda overpriced
- Athlon64 X2 Series: The "Working Man's" Chips. THE MOST EXPENSIVE WAY TO GET PORN, it is valued among high end employees at INTHELL who suck bitch ass balls. Now they're an okayish cheap option, but really nothing but expensive, It was recently thought that a move to the 45 nanometer process would allow the chips to run cheaper and cooler. Unfortunately a blunder at the manufacturing plant resulted on the new chips being made on a "64.45 nanometer" process, and so they ended up being a bit of a letdown.
- Sempr0n: If you can't afford a "real" computer, but still want to watch porn. Giving excellent performance for mediocre tasks, this "entry-level" choice is best for people who don't need a computer, but want one anyway. However, even the sexists sometimes fall into the I am broke! category, so this is often their only recourse. At least you aren't getting totally screwed. Nowadays even these come in the coveted 64-bit flavour.
- Athlon Sledgehammer: The Athlon Sledgehammer is a 4th generation of processors by AMD venturing into the risky side of hammering the world, but since Jim was drunk, it never happened.
AMD has merged with the Sunbeam corporation. Initially Sunbeam contracted with AMD to build a custom CPU to control a toaster. After much engineering, AMD determined that it was much cheaper to construct a CPU that was also the heating element. Today, AMD CPUs are being used as a the primary heat source for toasters, ovens, coffee makers, and electric hot water heaters.
When asked about this an AMD spokesman stated: "In todays world you want to cut down on bills as much as possible so why not put these hot porn serving devices to good use for also heating our homes, food and beverages"
The AMD Story[edit]
- Develop an awesome processor
- Do nothing for four or five years except alienate everyone by changing the socket frequently for no apparent reason.
- Continue to do nothing. Watch Intel copy the AMD K7 design and built the Pentium M and become competitive in one of your most lucrative markets.
- Appoint useless top management. Watch Intel improve their Pentium M steadily.
- Merge with companies whose IP you'll never consolidate and who are about to lose to Nvidia. Watch Intel rebrand the previously mentioned Pentium M to Core.
- Build fabs you'll never use. Watch Intel make Core much, much better and release it as Core 2 (a intel K8 copy).
- Watch your five-year-old technology lose to Core 2 Duo.
- Wait.
- Wait.
- Announce a new CPU with less performance than the previously stated five-year-old one.
- Delay CPU until Q2.
- Delay CPU until Q3.
- Delay CPU until Q4.
- Release CPU at massively underpowered speeds.
- Realise your CPU has minor bug
- Announce to entire world your CPU has a crippling bug
- No idiots buys your CPUs but only the peoples which unterstand the PC technology
- Do nothing for six months.
- Release bugfix'd version at massively underpowered speeds.
- Cancel all promising products (Dual-cores) in favour of quad-cores you can't make money on and nobody wants
- Give up and sell your now six-year-old technology as top-of-the-line
- Delay next processors to beyond 2010. Announce that in two years you will release exactly the same crippled stuff as today with new names and a new socket for no apparent reason, to alienate your customers.
- Announce that in 2009 you will release your then eight-year-old technology in laptops.
- Starve profitable decisions of money
- Fire workforce of profitable divisions
- Give management very large bonuses
- Cancel all research products
- Implode
- ?????
- PROFIT!!
Barcelona Potato-Chip Flavor (For the K-through-8 school lunches)[edit]
It is rumored that AMD is working in partnership with Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer to develop the Barcelona, AKA K8 chip. The chips, according to a quote from Oscar Wilde, will be manufactured from old Atari chips, French Tacos (au flambé) and Toad ala mode personally by Gates while he is being chased by the Blue Man Group through Barcelona (Part of France since Napolean's invasion in 1981). This is obviously how the chip got it's name, Barcelona. For those not aware: The Blue Man Group worked previously with Intel during live as-seen-on-color-TV 30 second performance pieces in which the entire Pentium cruise-liner-series of chips were developed. However, it must be noted that the development of the entire Pentium line of chips (by the Blue-man-group), was not always broadcast on Color TV - hence the common belief that the Blue man group was not actually involved in the development of the Pentium cruise-liner, that instead the grey-man group was primarily involved. Anyone believing this fabrication (spread mostly by those who believe it, and the Uzbeks) probably just can't afford a color TV because they are paying too much in Child Support, which is what they get for sleeping with Shaniqua.
AMD Fusion (Joint Program with North Korea)[edit]
After the merger between AMD and ATI, an initiative codenamed Fusion was announced that will merge CPU, GPU and Uranium onto a single die.The initiative will see some of the processing originally done on the CPU (eg. Streaming Porn) moved to the GPU, which is better in processing Jenna Jameson's Breast.This is referred to by AMD as an APU (Advanced Porn Utility) chip. First Products released will be BJ, targeted at Intel's Atom bombs. Llanos (Large Lengthy Anal Stimulator ) is the second APU to be released, targeted at the mainstream Pornography Industry.
AMD Ryzen[edit]
After six long years of nothing but meditation, AMD released the "ZEN" core architecture, sold under the brandname "Ryzen". Ryzen allows users to access porn twice as quickly as older AMD Fusion APUs when combined with their "Vega" GPUs. The CEO of Intel reportedly shat himself on the announcement of Ryzens porn-delivering-power (PDP) and SexMI technology.
Competition[edit]
- AMD is currently getting PWNED by Intel's high-end shiny MHz uber processors (that currently will cost you your soul to inthell).
- All hope currently falls on the Ryzen line, which have been worshipped as a god by AMD customers
- AMD is currently at war with Commodore and Nintendo over the use of the number 64.
- AMD is currently at war with Intel over domination of the computer market.
- AMD is currently at war with Steve Ballmer over copyright infringement for Fucking Killing™ Intel.
- In the words of Intel's CEO, AMD are "Fucking irritating". His last words while watching the Ryzen launch were "how the fuck did they do that?" before collapsing upon the 6900K being flattened by Ryzen in Porn-per-clock performance.
- A small and annoying chip manufacturer called VIA is trying to start a new war but has failed so far.