“The most versatile and highly-skilled actor in Hollywood and indeed the world. Once won an Oscar for saving nuns from a burning church, then having sex with them.”
Adam Richard Sandler (born September 9, 1966) is an American "actor", "comedian", musician, and very lucky man. Sandler was born mentally-handicapped, but used this condition to his advantage in his quest to become an actor. He gained major roles in films including Billy Madison, where he plays a retarded adult who has to go back to school; Happy Gilmore, where he plays a retarded golfer; Spanglish, where he plays a retard that bosses Mexicans around his home; Click, where he plays a time-traveling retard; and Uncut Gems, where he plays a retarded jewel thief.
Sandler is a successful, happy
Gilmore man. Despite being a goofy-looking Jew with a bad temper and a tendency to speak in gibberish, he is a successful comedic actor in Hollywood, and has a girlfriend who is far more attractive than one would expect. However, this famous sandal-maker wasn't always happy and successful. In fact, in his youth, Sandler was known to be something of a loser and an alcoholic. A lovable loser and lovable alcoholic, to be sure, but still a loser and alcoholic. The story of his meteoric rise to success is a heart-warming one full of colorful characters, many of whom are young children, old women, and homeless men.
As a special needs person, Sandler needed a constant career to keep him safe. That responsibility fell upon the adult daycare known as Saturday Night Live, a performing arts center for the mentally-impaired and/or desperate (it seemed Sandler came under both categories). After many appearances on the show, America warmed to him. Sandler's mediocre film career began with the less-than-mediocre film Going Overboard; he then moved on to a slightly more mediocre film as he gained a leading role in Billy Madison. His role as the dim-witted adult won him critical acclaim, with critics claiming the role came too naturally to him. Sandler continued his film career with more mediocre portrayals of not-so-intelligent-but-loving men who aim to do the right thing but get into entertaining-but-mediocre mischief along the way.
“Mama say Adam Sandler is the devil.”
Sandler was born in Brooklyn, New York on a Friday at 11:34 AM. By Sandler's own omission, he was "a happy child," despite doing very poorly in school. He spent most of his time playing pranks, getting into scuffles, experimenting with alcohol, and holding a hose between his legs to simulating urinating. Sandler was also credited, while still a high school student, as the discoverer of Borophyll. At one point, the student accidentally used the chemical upon himself.
By his early 20s, Sandler was widely recognized by his peers as a failure, in the most affectionate sense of the word "failure". Despite being a violent drunk and borderline retard, everyone considered him a good guy. However, Sandals soon began to realize that although everyone liked him, no one respected him. This made him mildly depressed. Fortunately, Sandler's whole life was about to change...
Discovery of Hidden Talent
“How can one man be allowed to make so much mediocrity?”
One fateful day, Sandler discovered that he had a hidden ability to be very good at something no one expected him to be very good at. After his father left him to start a pink polkadot high-heel franchise, Adam was left with a stockpile of sandals to work with, and not enough customers. To fund his company, he decided to work part-time stand-up gigs at The Las Vegas Comedy Club for Very Special People. Sandler got in by playing a retarded boy with a speech impediment, which audiences applauded with uneasy laughter before leaving and going home to silently cry himself to sleep. Adam continued this gig until tripping on some spilled vodka, banging his jaw against a bar counter, stool, and finally, the floor. Audiences loved it, but his "speech impediment" now turned out to be real.
Early tapes and SNL
“I would enjoy watching him suffer, were there not something more interesting on television.”
Facing this crisis, Sandler decided to make tapes of his act, so that no one could see his hideous face. The first tape, called Going Overboard, included such memorable sketches as "You Only Fart Twice" and "No-Budget Billy Bob". Eight tapes later, Sandler outgrew his shyness and decided to join an East Coast cocaine-snorting gang known as Saturday Night Live. They decided to place Sandler in every one of their episodes, or at least every odd-numbered one. Sandler was delighted to find he could play out his character "Jimmy the Retard" no matter what episode he was in. While on the show, he adapted some of his tape performances onto live taped TV, and then proceeded to think he was funny. This was largely due to his "Opera Man" performance, in which he opened his mouth and people got really annoyed. A special edition DVD replacing Sandler's mouth with CGI was later released, as part of the This Is Funny Funny Funny (but not ha-ha funny) So Just Buy It! series of SNL videos.
“Some loser that likes sports ends up with a woman smarter and more attractive than he is. You see one once, ya seen 'em all.”
Following his SNL success, Sandler moved on to big-name comedy movies where he played the leading man (and also wrote and/or produced some of them), reprising his old role as Jimmy the Retard. These include Billy Madison (1995), Happy Gilmore (1996), Moses Cent: Bulletproof (1996), The Waterboy (1998), I'm a Fool to Do Your Dirty Work (1998), The Wedding Singer (1998), Big Daddy Sand (1999), Deuce Bigalow (1999), Little Nicky (2000), One of These 8 Crazy Nights (2002), The Attractive Chickpea (2002), Mr. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (2002), Anger Mismanagement (2003), 50 First Dates (2004), The Longest 500-Yard Dash (2005), Deux Bigalow: Eurolectric Gigoloo (2005), Click (2006), I Now Pronounce You Good Luck Chuck & Larry (2007), Bedtime Stories (2008), You Don't Mess with the Rohan (2008), and Jack and Jill (2011). He also made cameos in The Animal (2001) as a Townie, and in The King of Queens (2007) as Jeff "Real Suss" Sussman. Sandler also starred in the drama/porno series Dirty Sexy Money (2007), featuring Don Rickles as Adam Sandler and Adam Sandler as Billy Madison.
Sick of being pigeonholed, Sandler branched out from his comedy career out of spite and anger for the system he was brought up in, and fled to modern day suburbia to make serious movies, notably Punch-Drunk Love (2002), Spanglish (2004), Love Reign All Over My Face (2007), Unfunny People (2009), The True Man Show (1998), His Majesty (2001), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with a Slice of Lime (2004), and Uncut Gems (2019). In particular, Sandler made history with 50 First Dates when he played the role of a non-handicapped person, whilst his counterpart (an unfortunate woman who had to smell his morning breath 50 times) assumed the role of the retard. However, Sandler quickly returned to playing the retard for the film Spanglish. With these dramatic films, critics could now be thankful and sigh a breath of relief, as Ad-Sandal's comedic acting days were supposedly over... or not. After Uncut Gems was snubbed at the Oscars, Sandler vowed to make his next film "so bad on purpose" and the "worst movie ever". Whether or not it somehow tops Jack and Jill remains yet to be seen.
Sandler currently has plans to cryogenically freeze himself, ready to film Big Daddy 2 in 3758. Sandler is also a member of Hollywood's Club JC nightclub alongside Jim Carrey, Will Ferrel, Rob Schneider, and Mr. Bean, where patrons get drunk and punch eachother in the face.
In 1999, Sandler signed a contract with Universal Studios to create his self-directed movie, Sandler's List. The plot of the movie involves Oscar Sandler (played by Sandler), a rich and selfish guy who had it all, and soon realizes that things aren't so perky in Nazi Germany (portrayed in a delightfully pubescent scene involving Sandler getting a good look at some German Knockers at a beerfest *oh yeah!*). Together with Iztachk Schtchtern (Ben Kingsley) and lovable man-who-gets-hit-and-falls-down-a-lot-sidekick Robbie (Rob Schneider), he decides to soften his hard heart and do something about it. So, he constructs a wholesome list filled with all kinds of fun activities and crafts the Jews can do to add a little magic to their lives — including Sandler taking 234 jews for ice skating fun and Dip 'n' Dots — before they are turned into ash.
In one comically-hilarious scene of the movie, there is a comically-hilarious misconception when comically-hilarious Rob Schneider reports back to Sandler with news of the completion of the acquirements of the list – or so he thinks:
|“||Schneider: "Here's the list, Oscar, checked and done."
[hands over the list]
Sandler: "Wait a minute. This is a grocery list! Schneider, you used the wrong list!!!"
Schneider: "THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS GERMAN SAUSAGE??? Heheh... sausage."
[Sandler comically-hilariously sets Schneider's butt on fire and knocks him over, after which Schneider yells his comically-hilarious catchphrase]
Schneider: "OOF!! MEIN ASSVITZCH!!!"
Sandler: "Wait a second. If you had the grocery list, then ITZCHTAK SCHTERN HAS — OOOOH NOOOOO!!!!!"
[shows Schtern looking confusedly around the grocery store]
Schtern: "Does anyone know what aisle I can find the Leon Rosenburgs?!??!!?"
At the end of the film's raucous good-time fun, Sandler daringly-yet-sweetly offers a truce over the Nazi control station's megaphone, to the roar of applause, triumphant climax music, and the incinerator. Sandler warms Hitler's (played by Howard Stern) heart in this triumphant heartwarming climax, after which Oscar, Hitler, Robbie, and Schtern proceed to dance in traditional Fiddler-on-the-Roof Jew Dancing (to Smash Mouth's "Why Can't We Be Friends?", in order to historically raise the roof), holding hands with bottles on their top hats. Interestingly enough, the fate of the Jewish population is completely ignored — but who needs conclusions when you've got rapping Matzah??!!!! Which indeed there is; a group of rapping matzah appears at the end and they rap about Thug Nachos.
Sandler spoke about the film in an interview with The Insider:
|“||I wanted to celebrate my Jewish heritage, you know, and I thought that I should make a film about history. They [Jews] aren't really having a good time in this world, and I thought that I should make a movie to cheer them up, you know, showing something good happening to them. That's when I thought of Oscar Sandler, and I thought the perfect way he should be portrayed is a guy with a hard exterior but is actually sweet and sensitive on the inside, and though he can be a jerk, he has emotions and can cry and just have a good time, and you know, you wanna have a beer with him. I've never done that before so it's gonna be a good challenge.||”|
Ben Kingsley spoke about the challenging aspects of playing notorious villain Itztach Schtern in an interview:
|“||They made me say 'Don't forget the soap' 24 times in that movie. That was what I had to say. 'Don't forget the soap!' 24, goddamned, times. I guess it was sort of my catchphrase, like Adam thought it would be comical for me to keep popping up and saying it. Why? Why does he think that people saying things repeatedly is.......I–I don't know. I would never had agreed to do this movie, it's just that the contract for Schindler's List said that if there was ever a sequel or remake I would be bound to do it, to the lack of my knowledge. So...I'm stuck.....doing this........... [looks forlornly into the distance, as if something has died in him]............I WAS GANDHI!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS MOTHERFUCKING GANDHI!!!!!! I WON SOME AWARD IT WAS GOLD!!! I WAS GANDHI!!! AND LOOK AT ME NOW!!!!!! LOOK AT ME NOW, DEAR GOD...Dear..Go—||”|
Sandler's List is also a remake of William Shatner's Fiddler on the Roof, which is intertwined somehow into the storyline, and features all the fantastic songs like "If I Were a Reich Man" and "Sunrise, Boob" (written by Rob Schneider). The movie was never released because it is morally horrible, scenes of the original Fiddler were scattered randomly into the film due to budgeting issues, and midway into the movie the subject of the Holocaust suddenly was completely removed from the storyline and the rest of the film was basically Happy Gilmore with Swastikas. That and Ben Kingsley, feeling degraded beyond belief and that his life and others' lives were futile, unceremoniously left the cast and the last 5 minutes could not be filmed. Even more tragically, Rob Schneider was eternally reduced to a vegetable during production.
“Ha ha ha, shut up!”
In 2003, the FCC responded to complaints from the families of people who had died of seeing Sandler's humor (contrary to some reports, they did not die laughing) by stating that all Adam Sandler movies had to start with a warning screen saying, "Warning: This cinematic experience may contain one or more appearances of Adam Sandler. Children under 18 and adults over 50 should consider watching a humorous movie instead."
This measure, though well-intentioned, was ultimately insufficient, and in 2004 the FCC placed new restrictions on Sandler vehicles: every movie in which Adam Sandler stars must include the word "asshole" somewhere in its title. This regulation was extended to Sandler's past as well as present movies in the controversial court case Mini-Golf Clown v. Sandler. Don't forget about O'Doyle.
Sandler is also a prominent cod reggae artist. His best-known track is "An Ode to my Car", which is an ode to his car. In it he sings about how well the car runs, and various specific technical matters in its operation. As well as being a popular hit in 1995, the song has been praised in academia for its critique of modern materialistic automobile-centric culture.
“Happy Gilmore Girls! That's my favorite show!”
In 2008, Sandler donated over 399 PlayStation 3 consoles (400, to be precise) to poor Israeli kids, who during the recent war on Lebanon, had to stay in family bunkers provided by their government, and were under imminent threat of dying out of pure boredom. He handed out the consoles to the kids after Rob Schneider gave him magical powers by yelling "You can do it!" The generosity of his gift, however, was in vain, as the Israelis were at this point given Xbox 360s from Gal Gadot. The PS3s went unused ever since, due to the children's fear of catching SARS, and were eventually destroyed because they were thought to be uber-lame compared to the 360s.
Sandler once attempted to donate over 1,000 bottles of whiskey to his local synagogue to show the world that he is an alleged "Party-Jew" (A term invented by the man himself one night while he was out partying. It is notable that he had a blood alcohol level of approximately .48, well above the expected human lethal dosage.) The synagogue turned down his offer, and Sandler just went back to the tiki bar to get intoxicated.
“You can do it!”
“I don't ask to be in this guy's movies, but who else is gonna give me $50 a week?”
One of Sandler's lesser known desires is his desire to rule the world. He plans on a Sandlerist Sinaitic society with him as the King Golfer of Earth, where everyone will be forced to listen to Styx and REO Speedwagon. The first half of his plan has already been completed. That included making himself seem to be a lovable, funny guy to the general public. That way they would be lulled into a false sense of security for his master plan. Sandler has cast himself and his minions upon the Earth for mind-control purposes. Though he initially had audiences under his spell, they began turning on him when they figured out all of his movies were exactly the same and his characters involve no acting. His funny speech impediments are a result of slipping and falling during a standup routine.
Stage 2 of Sandler's master plan is currently set to go later this month, and should be a success given the help he has. He plans to control the physical world around him with a "Universal Remote Control" also known as "URC" and "Click". The Click is currently in its final testing stages. The remote control has been developed by the kidnapped genius Dr. Christopher Walken, who was chosen for his extensive knowledge in time travel and Flux Capacitors. His other collaborators include:
- Rob Schneider – Head of State, the man down the street who you KNOW your wife is cheating on you with
- Ben Stiller – General of the Sandlerist Armed Forces
- Julia Roberts – Internet Armed Forces, the chick who's always playing his lover
- David Spade – Weapons Specialist
- Chris Rock – Bureaucratic Organizer
“Yeahhh... I kicked his ass, and I'll do it again if I get another chance.”
In 2003, Sandler married model Jackie Titone. Together they had one child, finger-skater Brian Boitano. Brian is one of the very few people to possess time-traveling qualities, passed down from his father.
Sandler's brother Chip runs a successful shipping and yachting equipment business. He offers a 10% discount if you can say "Chip Sandler the Ship Chandler" three times fast. He also has a part-time job in the profession of "grandma's boy".