Alanis Morissette
Alanis Morissette was born in Pangaea in 163,456,983 B.C. as a result of the union between Generalfeldmarschall Fritz "I wanted a boy" Grossvanubervold-Morissette and a pterodactyl. Shortly after birth, Alanis killed and ate her father. Exhibiting a precocious intellect, the young Morissette stole the time machine her father had travelled in and journeyed to the 1970s where, after crash-landing in Canada, she made a life for herself carving life-sized statues of notable French-Canadians out of cheese (How Ironic).
After the devastating Montreal cheese riots of the early 80s, Morissette was forced to go into hiding in a secret underground bunker in Nova Scotia. Here, she met the man who was to become her mentor and musical guide - Alfonso Ribeiro. Famous only for playing Carlton in the hit series The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Ribeiro was a budding musician and taught Alanis all he knew about writing the tunes before trying to squeeze verbose, arrhythmic lyrics around them. Unfortunately, the pair decided to go their separate ways in 1992 after Alfonso became enraged during an argument about the definition of irony and accidentally sharted all over Nedward, Alanis' bichon frise.
Alanis spent the rest of the 90s riding a wave of success, generated through the creation of a self-perpetuating motion device which was used to power a series of genetically enhanced cyborgs which would become the new Republican Administration of the USA. In 2003, she finally managed to repair her father's time machine and travelled to the year 4958 A.D., where she became the High Priestess of a religious cult dedicated to the worship of Patrick Swayze. She died in 4991 after being sucked into the vacuum created when doctors trepanned a clone of Paris Hilton grown from skin scraped from the under the fingernails of Lindsay Lohan's mummified corpse.
Song Controversy[edit]
Many of Morissette's songs caused much public controversy, but this was foremost the case with the notorious song "The Cock" from the album Supposedly Assuaged Psychobabbling Songwriter. Lyrically Morissette explores her love of the male genitalia which led to mass public panic and the final collapse of the Roman Chatolic Church in (0,001999). Perhaps the most infamous part of the song is the very ending where Alanis expresses in her confessional singer-songwriter nature; "You are wise, you are warm, you are courageous, you are big. And I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life."
Fun Facts[edit]
- Is the most positive human being in the world.
- Sings like a frog.
- Is all four members of Sonic Youth fused into one body.
- Won the 1997 MTV Video Music Award in the "Hairiest Snatch" category.
- Claims she was abducted by aliens when it was really Jay and Silent Bob.
- The aliens deny it ever happened, claiming they would never have her on their spaceship as they don't have enough prozac.
- Jay and Silent Bob confirm kidnapping her and allowing her onto their spaceship as they did have enough weed to cope.
- Cannot go near a noose as she has the highest risk of depression related suicide in the Universe.
- Once made out with Dido, sorry type-o, Dildo.
- Her make out session with Dildo turned naughty.
- Her song "Ironic" contains no ironic lyrics which in itself is ironic, although the jury is still out gorging itself on McDonalds as to whether or not she realises that is the case.
- Alanis was marinated in olive oil for the first five years of her life.
- Alanis dated Uncle Joey and wrote the song "He Stuck it in my Pooper" which sold 100 billion copies and started an anal sex trend all over the world.
- Alanis went down on Uncle Joey in a theater. Not once did he say "Cut it out" while making those hand gestures.
- Alanis never went out with Uncle Joey. Right, and Uncle Joey never imitated Bullwinkle.
- Alanis never went down on him either. But, he did stick it in her pooper.
- Alanis is actually God. Yes, that is why the world is fucked the way it is. Watch Dogma; it's a true story.
Discography[edit]
- Wow It's Gonna Be a HiT! (-1995)
- The Beatles' (1946)
- Empowering Feminist Lyrics (1969)
- Supposedly Assuaged Psychobabbling Songwriter (0,01998)
- Over Night Slept (2,002)
- So-Called Endless Happiness Slash The No Longer Angry Album (200,004)
- The Collection of Mummified Man-Corpses and Their Penises (20.05)
- Wow We Thought It Was Gonna Be A Hit Again But We Were Sadly Mistaken (20199505)
- Flavors of Mental Tangle Dement (Maybe Someday I'll Know How to Spell Words Currectly) (200008)
Singles[edit]
- You Oughta Know (Because I Love You So Much)
- Isn't it Erotic, Don't You Think
- Hand in My Pocket, Head in the Clouds
- UR Happy, U Learn
- All I Really Want (Is Some Happiness)
- Thank U Irony (For Making My Life Happy)
- So Pure Luv
- Joining You (I'm Laughing Too)
- Moon Sent (Some Nice Words to Me)
- (I'm Happy Because I Got My) Hands Clean (And Shiny)
- (My) Precioussss...
- Everything (Is Fine)
- Stinky Britches
- Cum To My Party
- Out Is Duh
- 8 Easy Steps (How to Make Your Life Sweet)
- Underneath My Sad Face (There's Only Happiness)
- Citizen of Lesbian
- Giggling (Ha Ha Ha)
- Giggling Again
- Orchid (It Smells Soooo Nice!)
- On the Beer
- On the Tequila
- On the Vodka
- On the Floor
- Under Table Swept
- You Oughta Know (I'm Making a Cover of My Own Song)