Alternative rock

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One of the first popular alternative rock bands, R.E.M. relied on college radio airplay, constant touring, and a grassroots fanbase to break into the musical mainstream.

Alternative rock is the name given to one stone when you're looking at another stone. The term was coined by photographer Edwin Blastocyst when looking at one stone and speaking about another, oddly enough.

Origins in Christian rock[edit]

Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth

When Jesus walked the land and turned water into wine and wine into blood and blood into profit, he had a great number of disciples. Back then, the Nintendo Wii had not been invented yet, so people only had two pastimes: sex and violence. Unfortunately, this was also before Axe Body Spray was invented, so really the only pastime was violence. That’s why Jesus had to be a virgin birth. Anyway, since they all liked violence so much, they would frequently pelt passers by with whatever they had lying around. One day, two disciples picked up the same rock to throw at someone. Unable to resolve their dispute, they came to Jesus.

“Jesus, who should throw this rock?”

“Let he who is without sin throw it,” Jesus answered.

As it happened, one of them was a goody-two-shoes that didn’t eat pork or whatever, so he got to throw the rock. The other asked Jesus:

“Jesus, what am I going to throw?”

“Don’t worry my child. I got’cho back.”

Thus, alternative rock was invented.

Alternative rock and AIDS awareness[edit]

Robert Smith of The Cure rejects the genre labels like alternative, gothic rock, and college rock applied to his band. He has said, "Every time we went to America we had a different tag [. . .] I can't remember when we officially became 'alt-rock'."

In 1985, Rock Hudson died of AIDS, raising massive awareness about its dangers. President Clinton, who was president at the time, decided that AIDS were great fun to have around and that this was just unacceptable. Therefore, he built a time machine and went back in time and saved Rock Hudson’s life, thus creating an alternate dimension in which Rock Hudson didn’t die. The dimension, however, quickly collapsed in on itself, reverting events back to their initial state. Only a few snobby music critics even remembered the other dimension, which is why they say stuff like “Rock is dead. Well, not Alternative Rock.”

Alternative rock in sports entertainment[edit]

Liam and Noel Gallagher of Oasis.

One of the champions of the |WWF was a jabroni beater by the name of The Rock. He was a controversial champion because unlike other members of the WWF, he was not an endangered species.[1] Eager to please the fans, the commissioner of the WWF booked a title match at the upcoming pay-per-view in which The Rock would lose the title. The Rock was pretty upset about losing the title, so instead of showing up for the match, he went to get his face CGI’d into the role of the Scorpion King in Welcome to the Jungle. However, the WWF decided to go ahead with the pay-per-view anyway, using alternative rock.

Alternative rock in short fiction[edit]

Alex Kapranos of post-punk revival group Franz Ferdinand

In Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery, this one crazy town would have this lottery where if you win it instead of them giving you a lot of money they just kill you by pelting you with this rock pile that they build in the beginning using FORESHADOWING! Anyway, this one lady won the lottery and she didn’t want to get pelted with the rock pile.

“Isn’t there another way we can celebrate our culture without pelting me with that pile of rocks?” she pleaded.

“Sure. We can pelt you with alternative rocks.”

Alternative rock in music[edit]

Alternative rock is the label given to bands that suck too much to become really famous. This includes Black Flag, The Replacements, Everything from the 90's, and Leonard Cohen.


  1. ^ The Rock was Samoan, but Samoans weren't endangered until the Girl Scouts started selling them.