Aristocrats (class)

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This page is about the aristocracy. For the joke, see The Aristocrats.
A French aristocrat and her father, as depicted in a recent "historical cleavage drama".

Aristocrats are a grouping of people who are thought to be the highest social class in a population. They are typically above the general populace but below the monarch, although generally speaking most aristocrats don't mind who they are on top of, or indeed beneath.

Throughout history, nobles have commanded tribute in the form of cash, labour, crop yield and other despicable acts of submission from commoners. In some countries, the local lord could impose restrictions on such a commoner's movements, religion or sexuality; a power he took advantage of without a second's thought. From the Middle Ages onwards, aristocrats have always had a need for hapless peasants desperate to earn a quick half-a-crown by taking part in the family's sadistic rituals.

Their excessive debauchery was largely unknown throughout the world until several infamous and somewhat disturbing expositions made to talent agents in the 20th Century.


The Greeks invented all the best things, like whatever this is supposed to be.

The term "aristocracy" is derived from the Greek aristokratia, meaning 'those who come first'. This coming first is of course a reference to their social standing rather than their sex lives; in this respect aristocrats tend to come first, second, third, fourth, last and just generally whenever and wherever they can. And all over whoever they can. While defecating.

Talent agents teach us that aristocrats first came into existence in Ancient Greece, a society in which depravity was considered a virtue. The early aristocrats gained the respect and adoration of their people by indulging in a variety of popular and often sordid acts, including homosexuality[1], incest, rape, necrophilia and - perhaps worst of all - performing arts. This allowed certain families to ascend to the very pinnacle of the sex-and-drama-loving Greek society.

  1. Before anybody accuses us of homophobia, same-sex relations are sordid. That's why they're so much fun.

Aristocratic families

For a handsome aristocratic family like this, incest can be nigh impossible to resist.

Aristocrats would often have strong familial connections; usually penis-to-mouth, tit-to-anus or scrotum-to-entrails, for example. Thus, aristocratic titles are hereditary, usually passed down from father to son much in the same way they pass down the cock-rot they all inevitably suffer from (female aristocrats are not excluded from this affliction).

Besides these, an inheritance can also consist of land, genital warts, money, ruptured anal passages, and property. Liquid assets are also common, and young aristocrats will often inherit these all over their face and chest.

Interbreeding between aristocratic families is popular and even encouraged, not to keep the bloodline "pure" but because their siblings tend to be healthy and affluent and therefore rather good-looking, even with the "pure" blood all over their crotches. Babies are always welcome, even in large families, where they are valued for their sexual prowess and potential to replace elderly or infirmed loved ones in the family act. This isn't to say that older aristocrats can't continue to perform or even maintain sexual relations long after passing on. Not if uncle dad has anything to say about it anyway.

Aristocrats around the world


Lick it bitch. Lick it!

Much like syphilis, aristocracy has always been rampant in Britain[1]. Until 1999 they were all automatic members of the House of Lords, now only 92 retain membership on an interim basis. This is due to subtle changes in the law and the human inability to breathe with a pair of penises lodged in your throat. British aristocrats can be discerned by their pearly white teeth, in contrast to the rest of the country. Talent agents suggest, however, that beneath the thick layer of dried sperm their teeth are as yellow as everyone else's.

It is not unusual, especially in modern times, for British aristocrats not to be particularly wealthy at all. Some of the richest aristocratic families have lost their wealth in its entireity, all while the price of unspoiled Eastern-European teenagers steadily rises. In fact, the idea of the "poor nobleman" is almost as old as the aristocracy itself, if not older. It would seem that the only requirement for being an aristocrat in the UK these days is to have what the Brits call "blue blood". Incidentally, a diet of nothing but the glands of dead family members can do weird things to the colour of one's insides.

  1. Whether or not there is a correlation between these two points remains to be seen


"Don't behead me until I'm coming!" Marie Antoinette was already like this when they found her.

The French Revolution attacked aristocrats as people who had achieved their status by birth rather than by merit, which was considered unjust. In 1789 the French began rounding up their aristocrats and beheading them. Many aristocrats were not deterred by this and made numerous attempts to continue their lives of twisted debauchery. Some even reveled in beheading their own before the lower classes could get to them, as with Marquis de la Fayette, who cut off the heads of both his daughter and his wife and inserted them into their respective ripped-open vaginas. The insurgents found him several hours later, giving their mutilated corpses a goodbye fuck.


In the Medieval Japan, the daimyo were a ruling class of landowning nobles with great social and political power. The daimyo were unpopular with the lower classes for introducing unfair taxes such as the poor harvest tax, the successful harvest tax, and the attractive virgin tax, which was paid in virginity rather than money.

As with their Western counterparts their privilege was hereditary, but due to the differences in Asian culture their perversions were much more sensual and unsettling. Lord Shimazu Nariakira of the Satsuma Domain, for instance, would remove his geisha's fingernails, make them eat them, and then tickle them for hours with his sharpened penis. If any of the girls complained about having to scratch, he would simply amputate the part of the body that had the itch and continue with the antagonising torture. Any further complaints would be silenced with a forced meal of faeces; shoveled into their gasping mouths by hand. Nariakira just laughed coldly as brown, foul-smelling tears dripped down their delicate painted faces.

"It tasted so good daddy that I just had to bite it." The coy and often camera shy Countess of Wisborg.

"Oh the horror!" they would cry.

"Your tears taste so sweet!" he would reply. Then he'd smear his shit-covered hands all over their vaginas and fist them.


Indian aristocrats are the worst. Infants force themselves upon their mothers, impregnating them over and over in every possible orifice, while in the next room the rest of them gang-rape the family dog. Father presents his newly-born daughter to the house servants; he shouts and screams demands at them until they do as he says and fuck her hard. Mother cuts her tits off and drinks the blood, milk and amniotic fluid that pours out of them. Local girls are kidnapped in the night, surgically sewn together at the lips and anus and then eaten alive with madras sauce and nan bread.

India has the fastest growing economy in the world.

Alternative nomenclature

"The Aristocrats!"

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