Axe
An axe is a weapon often used by Vikings, particularly when raiding and pillaging. Axes were responsible for killing every tree on Easter Island, which was ultimately responsible for the loss of the island's entire population, as they decided that the island was no longer pretty and then threw themselves off a cliff in a group suicide. It was a sad day.
Types of axe[edit]
There are several common types of axe, all of which have evolved from the Viking Axe.
Battle Axe[edit]
Battle Axes are more feared than Viking Axes, as they act automously. There are few known defenses against old women: the only two being another Battle Axe or a bite from the vicious tree serpent of Vietnam.
Hammer[edit]
The Hammer was invented after the great MC Hammer was using a Viking Axe and noticed that it was blunt and was therefore suitable to place nails into wood, therefore allowing for great advances in woodwork. Because of this, the Hammer became increadibly popular and is now the worldwide number one type of axe, a fact that enrages Vikings. Hammers are designed for use with one or two hands, although other versions do exist, and have a flat, rather than sharp, head. To combat the popularity of the Hammer, Vikings invented the screw, which cannot be put in place with a Hammer.
Throwing axe[edit]
Throwing axes have all the deadliness of a normal axe but with a longer range. Leif Ericson invented this weapon at the tender age of 7. Leif was scared of the monsters that would come out of his closet when he turned off his room light, but he knew that his blanket was a monster-barrier, and that no monsters could penetrate its magical sheild. So, when he went to bed, before he turned off his monster-repelling light, he would climb into bed, cover himself with his blanket, and then throw a stick with a sharp rock tied onto it at his light. The light smashed and went out, and thus promptly the monsters came out. Baffled, they realized that Leif was safe underneath his blanket, and they could not harm him. They abandoned Leif's closet for Australia, eventually evolving into duck-billed platypuses.
Today, the throwing axe is used as part of the olympic event called the "Vikathalon" which constists of a collection of Viking-related activities and athletic feats.
Teacher's axe[edit]
The phrase "Be very afraid of the Teacher's axe" originated from a teacher who had threatened her students with an axe if they were not quiet. This resulted in several desks being split in two and students writing sentences on the chalkboard. The children told their parents about the teacher and her axe and then several calls to the school followed. These were of parents who were greatly impressed by the teacher's disciplining abilities and told every other teacher that they should use Axes as a disciplinary tool, as the previous disciplinary tool, Rulers, were getting very outdated and were very very dangerous. Soon after the new tools were implemented, children developed a defense known as the "Hadou Ken", which, utilized correctly, can obliterate a teacher from 8 paces. Though only few possessed the skill necessary to use it, the ratio is good enough that at least one kid in every classroom could cast it.
Big axe[edit]
This is a really really big axe that can be found in a treasure chest somewhere. Along with the axe you will most likely find some party members, and then the fight will begin, a cataclysmic and climatic battle where you have to kill Satan approximately 20 times without dying. This, of course, is a breeze. After all, you got a Big Axe.
Deodorant[edit]
The first use of axes as a deodorant occurred around 1700AD, when someone commented that a Viking raider's armpits were smelly, at which point he lopped off both of his own arms in a style which has been preserved perfectly to this day. The onlookers were immediately amazed at the reduction in smell, and all proceeded to follow the Viking's lead. This method is still common in the United States of Armenia, however has been superceded by the Lynx method in Great Britain, whereby a household Lynx bites off the smelly person's arms.
The use of axes as a deodorant is not to be confused with a brand of deodorant called "Axe" because the name for the chemical is over 40 letters long and takes at least two and a half minutes to pronounce. Because of what it really is, it is not normally called "Axe". It is more commonly known as "Death Cloud in a Can."
Maintenance[edit]
It is important to keep the axe clean and in shape. Be sure that all blood is wiped off before mutilating, as your victim might get ill otherwise. It is also important to sharpen the blade, as hacking through bone often dulls it to the point where it can only be use as a curved beating stick.