“I use emoticons for the many and reserve *facepalm* for these guys.”
“Hindu Nationalism is a fraud, a comedy, a phantom, a porno.”
Bharatiya Janta Party (BJP, or more commonly know as The BJ Party, The Blowjob Party(abbreviated as BP or BJP) the Fellatio party (FP) or the Succ Party(SP) and the Sangh Succ Andolan Samiti) is a right-wing Hindu nationalist party in India. Also known as Brokers Janta Party because of its proximity with elite industrialists and power brokers. The party at one point was deemed the permanent opposition party, until somebody decided to end the party's endless streak of losses in parliamentary elections and brought them to power on May 26, 2014. It is currently the ruling party in India. While the party has been praised by many people for bringing economic liberalization and nuclear power to the poverty stricken region of South Asia, others have accused the party of inciting riots, promoting criminalization of politics, lifting the ban off that awful Salman Rushdie book, and behaving in a fascist manner.
The party was officially formed in 1980 after its founding members realized that its predecessor was thrown out of power. Since then the party's patriarch (that's right feminists) LK Advani decided that the only way for the party to rise to power was through peaceful protest and flaunting its Hindu nationalist credentials. The problem with this method was that Hindus are too nice to come over their inferiority complexes and hence any talk of chauvinism would only drive them away. However the party did begin to moderate its Hindu nationalist in order to gain a wider appeal. They did this by inducting some of the finest liberal minds of the time, most notably Pramod Muthalik, Asaram Bapu, and Chetan Bhagat, into their party's ranks.
First time in power
By 1991, Advani's strategy of consolidating Hindu nationalists seemed to work slowly, as the party's size grew from 2 seats in 1984, to 120 in 1991. Then the unthinkable happened in 1996 when they became the largest party in parliament with 161 seats. They had finally made it to power! But this only lasted 13 days since they couldn't garner enough support from other parties. This was a major embarrassment because in political terms a 13 day government is equivalent to a premature ejaculation.
However after patiently waiting for two years, the party finally came into power in 1998 bagging 182 seats in the Lok Sabha. But a year into their regime, one of their allies J. Jayalalitha decided to troll them by pulling out. (No pun intended). Also to make things worse, the neighboring country Pakistan decided it was cool to lend some of their uniforms to some terrorists and this caused a war. Fortunately for the BJP, while the rest of the Hindu race may be weak, the Indian Army's experiments of pumping tons of testosterone into its soldiers worked as a good tactic and India won the war. This helped boost the party's image and they were re-elected in 1999. During their 6 year tenure they did many things that would be considered very progressive today, such as censoring crappy Bollywood flicks and rescuing cows, but at the time they came under fire from opposition parties for being too conservative.
Back to being Opposition
After 6 long years in power the elections in 2004 came up and the BJP campaigned with full force. Their campaign was called "India Shining" a reference to their perception that they made India into a garden of Eden. This really confused the voters who felt India was still the same economically repressed shithole it was 6 years back, and they "surprisingly" lost the election. Critics also pointed out that the term Hindu nationalism, which forms the basis of the party's ideology is an oxymoron because a self-loathing race like Hindus can never support nationalism.
Between 2004 and 2014, the party remained in the opposition. To revive its importance, and to kill time, the party began protesting loudly outside parliament and blocking the passage of many bills and then keeping the audacity to blame the ruling party for "policy paralysis".
The economic policy of the BJP has changed considerably since its founding in 1980. In the 1980s the BJP, like the Jana Sangh before it, reflected the thinking of the RSS and its affiliates. It supported Swadeshi, which is the promotion of indigenous industries and products, and a protectionist export policy. However the BJP soon realized that most Indian products were cheap shit, and so it changed its stance and supported FDI in many industries and sectors of the economy, except for retail, because the BJP politicians were too rich and classy to shop at a lowly store like WalMart.
The party also supports:
- Ban on cow slaughter
- Export of cow piss to all neighboring countries
- Unlimited access to Visas to cows
- Nuclear war with Pakistan
- Increasing the already humongous size of the Indian armed forces
- Ban on pornographic films (Except for Sunny Leones works; those are to be archived in the Jawahrlal Nehru Library)
- Opposition to Same-sex relationships (Unless both chicks are super hot, then it's okay)
- "Dutt", "Barkha". A day in the Secular Republic of India. New Delhi Publishing Inc, 2002.
- "Bhatt", "Mahesh". Love, Sex, Aur Hindutva. Mumbai: Penguin Inc, 2014.