Bananas are the almighty source of the life substance known as POTASSIUM. POTASSIUM is needed for all daily functions. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana a day will increase your POTASSIUM intake tenfold!
People often associate humor with the banana and they don't know why. This is it: a long time ago, Arthur Fonzzerelli picked up a banana and held it in the sky and said, this fruit shall be above all other fruits. That's it. It isn't that exciting of a story. Plus it kind of looks like a penis.
Bonanas were discovered in 1403 by the great explorer Brendton Oliver Nana, the first bonanas where purely decorative pieces used to adorn the walls of Victorian households. The first recorded account of bonana consumption was in 1998 by rapper Big Punisher, who gave the food its modern pronunciation ("Bow-nana").
A Bonana (pronounced "Bow-nana"), is the bowel movement of a gorilla. Bonanas are a tasty treat loved by children who do not know this. But upon reaching adulthood, anyone smart enough to find this out will not want to eat a bonana anymore. They are also of profound evidence that God Almighty himself actually does exist.
The bonana, a thought-to-be fruit celebrated for its perpetually low price in grocery stores and quantity of "n"s in name, is a popular food in the So Long And Thanks for all the Fish family, loved by the rich and poor alike. Found in 756 by an Arab desiring to sell something other than dates, the bonana was originally bright blue and shaped like a small furry beach ball. Through centuries of selective breeding, the bonana has since evolved into a yellow crescent shape. But one rule applies to all types of bonanas: germiness. Bonanas are considered to be among the world's most germ-filled beings.
Bonanas are the staple food of monkeys because monkeys live where gorillas do, and it is the only thing around they believe is edible. (Bonanas are poison to anyone who is not a monkey. Since humans are not poisoned by bonanas, this is proof that evolution exists and we are monkeys.) However bonanas also have a large variety of other uses, including stage props for people who slip and fall. But who leaves bonana peels on the floor anyway? Monkeys do, but the peel wouldn't be slippery on a forest floor.
It is rather unknown, but bonanas are actually a type of fungus, since they do not produce juice when squashed (in contrast to fruit such as oranges or apples). The opposition of this proposition might passionately disagree, but they are indeed, based bigots. Mushrooms generally have a phallic form too, which further reinforces the idea.
Types of Bonanas
- Bonana: bonana
- Plantain: a variety known for its penchant for very young bananas. It is used to prepare snacks (for example, fake potato chips). In addition, it does not taste sweet, so the gringos (who need large amounts of sugar to survive) do not care about them and leave them to Ecuadorians.
- Orito: baby banana that has only been seen in Ecuador. It is characterized by emitting loud squeals when bitten.
- Guineo: father of the orito, the guineo is an Ecuadorian endemic product. It consists of all the leftovers left behind once the product has been classified as suitable for export. It is for the exclusive consumption of the natives. Traditionally it is accompanied with milk.
- Maqueño: a fifteen year old banana tree, with pink skin and plump appearance. Its flavor is very sweet but cloying, and the pulp is so sticky that it can cause serious problems for the eater who is holding it with their bare hands.
- Bananarama: a very rare species native to New York, whose spicy sweet-sour flavor inspired some artists of the 80s and a series of mythological cult elements such as Futurama and Cinerama.
- Banana Split: hybrid variety, with long legs and huge balls. Of icecream.
- Bananaphone: a variety of technological banana created by the Japanese in the 90's, widely used for telecommunications among advanced apes used in genetic experiments. It is usually found in several models such as Bananokia and Bananorola.
- BananaMan: The smartest, most agile and fastest superhero in the world. He uses his bananarang to fight evil and create justice.
- Banana Bomb: BananaMan's deadliest weapon, which also appears in Counter Strike, dealing 999 points of damage.
- Bananopolis: the great and wonderful city where BananaMan, BananaWoman, the BananaKids and their dog BananaDog live, all its inhabitants are apples.
Bonanas and Microsoft Windows
Charles Darwin recently forced Microsoft to admit "Our software is created by monkeys that enlarge penises" after tracking bonana shipments to Windows headquarters. Melinda Gates said, "Nobody without an army of monkeys to feed has a use for that quantity of bonanas."
Based on this, some have decided that bonanas contain the potassium needed to produce successful babies. However, to date no one has acquired enough bonanas and monkeys to repeat Microsoft's experiment of penis enlarging monkeys. In the latest attempt, Ubuntu was chased away by several ferocious mosquitos. Instead, they import potassium from Richmond,a glorious nation in Central Asia.
Bonangerines, much like the testes, are a tropical fruit, invented by the tourettes guy in a last ditch effort to turn the tide in his war against his alter ego, Spongebob Squarepants. They are a combination of bonanas and tangerines, and can prove to be quite fatal to sponges. Especially ones named Bob. Anyhow, they were produced in mass quantities all over Australia and implanted onto large submarines which were then used to ram large undersea pineapples. These proved quite useful, but being as no one cared about Australia, they eventually overpopulated the continent and became too heavy for the Earth, which began to spin out of control and crash into the sun, scorching everything, and killing everyone.
May the Bonana be with us
Bonanas also hold a secret power that can only be harnessed by a minority of beings described as bonana-sensitive. These have been defined as either having a high count of parasites called midi-chlorians; the more midi-chlorians, the greater the person's Bonana ability; or having a strong Bonana "aura" (which is more often than not, yellow). Bonana-sensitives are able to utter a 43 million word enchantment in under 1.812 seconds, thus tapping into the Bonana to perform acts of great skill and agility.
What are Bonanas good for?
Nothing really, unless you can fire them at people with one tight squeeze, put the peels down on the floor when you play tag, if you eat them... you are considered queer, and if you are in a house with a fat guy, you can drench them in butter and call it "shit". But don't underestimate the power of the bonana, back a long time ago (6/6/6), The bonana fought of the devil, bringing him to his demise. But since then, he has been planing to destroy all bonanas that ever existed(Don't be scared, he will just put them in a pit of doom and ignite them in hell fire and let them burn till they are a pile of dust). After the Devil was defeated, we worshiped the bonana for many, many years (6/6/7). Then when we got tired of them, we gave the rights to the all powerful race... the monkeys.
Bonana's Ethymology and His Evil Twin Brother and Arch-enemy "Bonanana"
Bonana is the common name for herbaceous plants of the genus Musa, and is also the name given to the fruit of these plants which is what people mostly confuse with the actual plant.It brings up the very question that how bonanas are manufactured. Experts say the 47.8% of the bonanas is goood for you. However, the rest is what many calll the evil and dark side of the bonana. Throughout decades, many civilizations have expressed their own uniqie way of naming the evil bonana. The African villagers referred to it as " Australopithecus afarensis". The villagers who did not obtain that wide range of vocabulary simply referred it to as "Bonanana" which Europe knows the evil entity by. Bonananas are native to the tropical region of Southeast Asia, the Malay Archipelago, and Australia. Today, they are cultivated throughout the Tropics. Also, there have been rumoour circulating about whether the White House contains any bonananas in its staff whether they are politicians or bodyguards. The rumours even went far enough to suggest the supreme emperor of goodness and kindness, the conqueror of the axis of evil, the destroyer of the monstrous, filthy knit-wits that don't write to their mothers aka terorists and the one-that-is-compassionate George W. Bush (W stands for "Wery, wery nice man") The evil supporters of the left had dared enough to even suggest this obscure, ambigious and verbose piece of "theory" (more like "conspiracy"). The last time, a Bonanana had been seen was in the Second World War, inhabitted inside the moustache of Adolf Hitler which many scientists believe the Bananana had complete control over him. Other scientists believe the gang of bonananas had even infiltrated the brains of the whole German population. The German scientists beliee the Nazis weren't even Germans after promising they will never be bad again.
Other uses of Bonanas
- Under very rare circumstances, it is possible to eat one.
- In case of panic, a bonana serves well as a boomerang.
- At low prices, bonanas will attract monkeys to your grocery store. Trust us, this IS a good thing.
- Bonanas are popular in poor countries, where they are used as weapons. A bonana can fire 6 bombs per minute; this ferociousness makes it superior to the IED in combat.
- Bonanas are highly explosive. In case of a Super-Bonana attack it will shred into five none-the-less explosive bonanas.
- Bonanas are popularly used in science for testing pH levels of liquids, the bonana will scream if too acidic
- Bonanas when snorted become more addictive than crystal meth hence the nickname yellow meth—of course you could always pee on your meth(urine is quite addictive!)
- Many countries across the world ban the carrying of concealed bonanas in public. This is due to their infamous history as the assassination weapon of many political and famous figures. For those who do not know, bonanas are capable of firing around 2 shots a minute with impeccable accuracy.
Bonana peels are highly prized among African shaman which they stockpile for ceremonies. These ceremonies require vast preparations, first they take lion kittens that are ripe for the huffing and put them into a large pile of bonana peels that they cure for 2 weeks in the hot sun whilst watering it with nectar. When the lion kitten climbs out it is huffed by a group of no less then 3, but no more than 8 shaman. The pile is then squeezed to reclaim the nectar rich in bonanadine. The bonanadine-rich nectar is then consumed by the shaman through the nostrils, and they enter a 2 day trance.
The next evolution of the bonana is the premise of Bonanas on a Plane.
In The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens, the heroine Condi Rice dies of a massive overdose of bonanas. In the published novel she ate all 268 of them, but in the magazine installments that represented Dickens's original intention about forty of them were probably (he was unusually coy about the anatomical details) wedged up other parts of her body. "Stop eating bonanas, they are poison!" "What? Speak louder! I have a bonana in my ear!"
Captain Shakespeare's Broadway smash hit play Krapp's Last Tape has no action except the peeling of a wizened green bonana. Characters come on stage and point at the parts of the peel where they think it would be advantageous to tug, and are mysteriously smothered. A clown dressed as Julius Caesar spends the whole play working up the courage to tell someone, anyone, not to try the little bit at the bottom, but is hit by a bright blue beach ball in a sock before he can untape his mouth and yell.
During 2006, the year of fourth coming of Black Jesus (a.k.a Bizzle Jizzle) a light shower sometimes referred to as tropical cyclone tickled the coast of Palestine. On the Equator, March winds tore up the sacred banana groves of the Oompa-Loompas and left no cover for the fragile and sensitive Oompa-Loompas. The harsh Australian sun then quickly turned them orange like the rest of the country. The result was the price rose to over $20, just for the red rubber tip on the end of a bonana called an eraser! During this tumultuous period an actual bonana would cost more than the average yearly salary of the inner city Melbourne cab driver (where it was later found that Osama Bin Laden and 24 of his 47 cousins were working as cabbies). Mass hysteria broke out when the first cases of bonana withdrawal appeared. At first the patient would get 'the bonana shakes' and then the bonana oblongata part of the brain would shut down and the patient would degenerate to a state nicknamed 'monkey business', the patient would stand on their desks and throw excrement and masturbate at passers by! The situation was only relieved when my girlfriend discovered the massive bonana in my pants and happened to mention it to the authorities.
Of Fluffles and the War of the Foods
Unbeknownst to many of us, there has been, since the beginning of time, a war of the foods. Although there are small battles and disputes between various types of food products, it is known that the most major part of this war is an ongoing struggle between the bonanas and the cheese. The war started over a chocolate cake, which, although it was intended to be giving to King Biffleton the Potato Lord, was stolen by bonana ninjas. It was later found that these bonanas were hired and trained by one of the greatest known terrorists in the galaxy (at the time), Fluffles the Evil Pickle. As his name implies, Fluffles is, with no surprise, an evil pickle. When this was found out by King Biffleton, he was outraged. At first he sent an army of Baloola Burgers in search of Fluffles, but they came back two days later saying they had gotten lost in a space storm of giant popcorn and were unable to continue. Biffleton knew, then, that he had no choice but to bring out his elite warriors: the cheese. The conflict soon became a massive war, with frequent clashes between the cheese and the bonanas. In the meanwhile Fluffles has refused to show himself, and it speculated that he is hiding somewhere in the desert realms of Fiffnox, land of the beef fish and lollipop horses. In recent days the bananas have converted various fruits and vegetables to their side, most namely the tomatoes and the mushrooms. Though the great General Farlo has attempted to call upon the help of the oregano and various soups and curries, they refuse to accept. In the meantime Fluffles seems as though to be formulating a plan of great magnitude, which may be the end of the war for the cheese. General Farlo continues to make a good fight, but he knows that sooner or later the cheese will be defeated if they cannot recruit the help of other foods.
The black bits
The black bits in a Bonana are actualy miniture aaron churtons waiting to be eaten, they will wait ot be injested then hatch out of their shells and rape the fuck out of you insides. but sometimes in very rare occasions ethan fenechs will pop out of the black bits and steal your rice pattys and violate your ass. ear wax.
Bonanas as weapons
Due to the bonana's unique abilites, such as being slippery, being yellow and being able to be thrown like a boomarang, it has been chosen by Cuba as the weapon of choice. The weapon was originally developed by the Franco-Prussians in the 1200s as a way to defend themselves from raccoons that would attacks civilians at anytime (although it was usually 6:00-6:12 P.M.). They found it was most effective in ridding the town of the nasty beasts, but with the lack of raccons, the capital city of Ellensburg became overpopulated with crayfish. Due to this infestation, Orson Welles gained 400 pounds. It has been proven that its range is far more accurate than your eyes staring up a skirt of a girl. But be warned, most women do not appreciate the banana except when used on the field of battle. Bonanas were used in the beginning of the Ninja-Pirate conflicts and also used in the war in Iraq by the Republican Guard. Do note, bonanas are not effective when used with toasters.
If you ever come across a man with a bonana, shoot him and then eat the bonana. You have successfully disarmed the man before he could kill you.
Also, it was used in the dreaded Peanut butter, Mr. T, Uncrustables, and Banana Cannon. A cannon powered by the three most powerful elements in the world. The only reason it was ever disarmed was because Mr. T himself used his powers of 'pity tha fool' to separate the three elements of the cannon and scattered them into the 4 temples, where they will remain until the great prophecy of the ninja-pirate wars comes to fruition.
Bonanas in American Culture
A popular childrens rhyme in elementary school:
- I'm a Chquita Banana
- and I'm here to say,
- Get rid of your teacher
- the easy way.
- You have a Banana Peel
- you put it on the floor.
- Then watch your teacher
- go flying out the door.
Bonanas cannot be studied for biology or used in any language. You see, a bonana isn't actuallually a fruit. Neither is it a flesh eating monster as represented above. It is in-fact a naturally occurring euphamism.
|Commonly Mistaken for Fruit|
|Handgun | Machine gun | Staple gun | Kidney Stone Gun | Raygun | AK-47 | AKM | M16 | Bananas | Anti aircraft gun | Rifle|