Band geeks

This image has been known to send band geeks into a wistful depression.

A Band Geek is a rare and valuable creature most often found lurking near football fields or practice rooms. They have been around for as long as anyone can remember, however, there was a surge in the population around 1980 and maybe back in the good old days of "American Pie" around 2001. They are a herd animal and it is common to see them surrounded by other band geeks. They are not to be mistaken with their close cousins: the geeks. They are also related to nerds, orchestra kids, and more loosely to musicians.

Life

The life of a Band Geek is simple and revolves around all things band. They are often up before any sane person and are seen disturbing the peace at all hours. They can adapt to any weather condition (rain, hail, tornadoes, etc) often appearing to spawn extra clothing if necessary. They remain at the field far after everyone else has left, continuing to run their show, over and over and over. They live for band 6 days a week, with Saturday being the most important holy day. Saturdays are dedicated solely to band, for this is the day they participate in many of their rituals. This includes the most important one ... Competition.

The main diet of a Band Geek consists of mainly of water, energy drinks, such as Red Bull and Monster; and snacks such as Animal Crackers, Pixie Stix, and Tic-Tacs. They have also been known to tolerate ungodly amounts of caffeine and sugar. However, at some band camps, directors who worry about dehydration and other mortal dangers will provide band geeks with a specialty drink called Waterade, which is a secret blend of powdered drink mix, hose water, and ice from the big cooler at the gas station. Waterade, though its taste does not match that of the aforementioned energy drinks, can still give a band geek a couple more hours of rehearsal capability.

Species of Band Geeks

1.)The Not So Geeky-Band Geek - This person knows he is in band and everyone he knows knows that this person is in band. The part that separates them from the rest of the species is that his peers don't think of him as a band geek. They have normal friendships with the jocks and are not made fun of. This species of band geek is treated as if they are not band geeks and are sometimes thought of as cool kids. Typically this species of band roams around the school not caring about band, and if approached with a question about band, he/she (considering he/she has swag) will respond with a simple I don't know/ I don't care. They tend to be in band because momma gave them a saxophone in the 5th grade, or they are taking percussion to find a girlfriend/for PE credit. Normally this "species" are the saxophones, which most are jocks. Of all species these should not be avoided.

2.)

AWESOME! Right?

The Reluctant Band Geek - Reluctant Band Geeks play an instrument and often spend time with other band geeks; however, they refuse to acknowledge the fact that they are in band when they are with other people. They may even deny that they are in band at times, such as Boxing day (UK).

3.) The Proud Band Geek - this is the person who is a Band Geek and knows it. They spend all of their free time in and around the band room. Also, they often talk about band and they may even advertise the fact that they are in band by wearing their uniforms or band shirts/sweatshirts at functions outside of band. They take the abuse with a smug grin, assured of eventual instrumental retribution.

4.) The Stereotypical Band Geek - this is your stereotypical band geek, the kind who wears head-gear and a pocket protector. They breathe through their mouths and are good at math and other nerdly things.

5.) The Ultimate Band Geek - this person is more involved in band than their own family. This is usually either your section leader, band president, or just that one really weird kid who hangs out in the band room all the time. They get to practice early and are always the last ones to leave (when there's two of them in the same room, one may not leave before the other for fear of not being as hardcore.) Drum majors often fall under this category as well.

6.) Band Wanna-Be- A person who sucks at their instruments and keeps switching until they have to quit band because they run out of instruments. They usually annoy the other sections because they suck so badly. They make fun of the band director and are usually perverted/trouble-makers. Often in marching band they will also be referred to as "props" or "alternates".

7.) The American Pie Band Geek - On band trips, they will often be found in the back of the bus playing each others' "instruments."

Colorguard

8.) The Colorguard - A small sub-group of the band geek, made up of a congregation of females (and the occasional male, who is often homosexual. Known to band geeks as a "flaggot".) who either have one foot in the world of band geekery and one foot in the real world, or are the most geeky creatures of the entire band, thinking of nothing else but their routines, and can be found tossing and spinning almost anything they can get their hands on. It is also advisable for you not to put your hands on their equipment either. A rifle across the side of the head can be quite painful. Color guard is not to be confused with majorettes, or "twirl girls." Band geeks and colorguard are two separate groups. However, without a colorguard, your band won't be as good. The better the colorguard you have, the better your marching band is. At the same time, the better colorguards tend to run with the better bands. On certain rare occasions a male that is not homosexual will be in colorguard. He gets mad bittys!

So, You Want to be a Band Geek?

The requirements to be a band geek are very simple. In fact, a recent Harvard study shows that they are so simple that almost 2.6% of the population IS a band geek, whether you know it or not. The requirements are as thus :

• you must play an instrument, twirl a baton, or spin a flag.
• you must know the definitions of such terms as "staccato," "fortepiano," and "ritardando."
• you must know that fortepiano is a basic term for "sforzando."
• you must know that the previous requirement is not true and got very angry when you read it.
• you must "get" jokes such as "how do you get two piccolos to play in tune... shoot one of them!" and know that they are true.
• you must also realize the previous "joke" is untrue... for the only way to get two piccolos to play in tune is to shoot BOTH of them.
• you must know how to march, be it military, roll-step, or high-step.
• you must enjoy getting severly sweaty and sun burned
• you must admit that Fridays/Saturdays during the fall are a lost cause for anything other than band.
• you must have at least 1/2 of your friends in the band.
• you must only date people within the band, a term more commonly recognized as "bandcest" or "windcest."
• you must only date people outside of the section for fear of becoming a homosectional
• you must suffer from (or enjoy) some form of a hyperactive disorder.
• letters after g don't matter!

If you have over 2/3s of the above qualities, then you are a band geek: accept it, embrace it, love it, live it.

Habitat

• Band Room (also known as the Band Hall) - the second home of a band geek. (When really it's the first home, they spend more time there than in their actual house).
• Brass Instrument Storage Closet - The layer of upper and partial lower brass. There you will find trumpets congregating and boasting of their weekend accomplishments and how better it was than other trumpets. You will also find empty Cheeto bags and brown/red stains in the trombone section. You will find the trombones having their cult meetings in here, along with the french horns gathering to watch.
• Percussion Closet/Drum Room- Only applies to percussionists. It is currently unknown what happens here, but there is always continuous drumming sounds emanating from the area. Since Percussion tries to separate themselves from the band, they do not allow anyone else in here.There are however, some people they let in, who are usually related to or friends with someone in Percussion. If an unauthorized being enters, the percussionists will either (preferably) shoo you out, (unpreferably) give you a taste of their hardest rimshot, or (super-unpreferably) call on their super awesome percussion director to haul (ie. scold you and then report you to the directors) you out. It smells strange in there, like a deathly combination of sweat, blood, and Axe. Shrines that contain band/drumline merorabilia are occasionally found inside of percussion closets.
• Band Camp - a process during which the weak and unworthy are sorted out to be sacrificed to the Gods of Band for a good season.
• Pep Band - a religious event in which those who partake speak in a secret language involving complicated dances, twists, and tunes.
• Bus Rides - possibly the most dangerous ritual, involving large numbers of band geeks in a very confined space - this is a sacred and secret meeting, the details of which are not yet available to the public, but rumor has it that they do weird rituals that involve weird laughter and blood.
• Shows - this is the only time in which the Band Geeks reveal themselves to society. They are very elaborate rituals and sacrificial garments are generally worn by all members in preparation for it. Headdresses are also common.
• Competition - general gathering of band geeks to show that each ones band is better than the others. Sabotage, including the permanent un-tuning or destruction of instruments is rampant.
• District (Honor Band)-known as one of the most important of almost all of the rituals where the most elite geeks from each school gather to show off their incredible musical skills. The number of students each school sends to the honor band each year is a major contributor to the pride and reputation of the band.
• The over night trip, this is one of the least discussed ritual that ends with a bang. People get to know each other in a way-too-personal manner. (You would too if you were crammed on a bus with 200 other band geeks and their characteristic smells and sounds overnight). People compete to see who gets to sleep on the floor and adept abilites to walk down the aisle only on the armrests are required.

Instrument Sections

Flutes - Flutes are like their own breed in marching band and usually stick to their group. They're usually clumped together with freshmen. They are known for awful posture and you can often hear the directors scream "GET YOUR FLUTES UP". A rare band geek is the male flute player. If he isn't homo, he's surrounded by the rest of the girls in his section. Flute players are known for their fast air and lung capacity and can use three times the air of a tuba player. They also are known for having ADD or ADHD. The notes coming out of a flute can either lull you to sleep or pierce your ear drums. If you provoke a flute player, prepare to have a long metal rod pierce your throat and knock you out. These shiny instruments have also been known to be used as lightsabers and swords when the directors aren't looking. Also, be warned: a cousin of the flute, the piccolo, is even more of a danger to your ear drums. Don't mess with the piccolo player or you may find yourself deaf in under two minutes. This section is always seen in pairs or large groups. NEVER try to interrupt flute line bonding time- you will be pelted with half-eaten food and beaten with long metal rods. They usually hate if not always hate ALL brass, except sometimes tuba because they are pretty hard to hate.

Oboe - The rarest of band geeks, there can only be one oboe per band, no exceptions, because more than one in a room could either cause the apocalypse or insanity throughout the entire band from the out of tuneness. Known for making an odd squawking noise which may be some form of mating call, they have a superiority over all other reeds because their mouthpiece is little more than two popsicle sticks and was probably created as a joke by some band director to see "what kind of stupid clarinet would try to play it". Often a misfit, the oboe will attempt to blend in with either the flutes or the clarinets, leading many to believe all oboes suffer a daily identity crisis or that their instrument truly is the love child of a flute and clarinet (which is unlikely because 93% of all clarinet/flute playing males are homosexual and therefore infertile) They receive 63% of all solos ever, and are typically ignored until then. They're very twitchy and prone to screaming "NO, YOU'RE NOT IN TUNE!!!" when accused of being even slightly off key, because they 'never are'. A highly skilled oboe player will sound like a strangled duck and will get homicidal if you ask them "what kind of clarinet is that?" They live a sick delusion that everyone wishes they played the oboe, as it is the most difficult instrument to play and requires studying with Tibetan monks. Do not disagree, they can fit their reeds fairly far up the nasal passages of any other human being. Best if you just avoid them, especially during marching season, when they’re condemned to another section and are extremely volatile.

Bassoons - Even more rare than those of the oboe variety, they are usually seen rubbing their left thumb. If they're not complaining about their wrist, they're complaining about reed-making and other various rituals pertaining to the bassoon. Not much is known about the bassoon to those who cannot play it, therefore it should be respected highly and prayed to. If you have a bassoonist in your band, you might as well cower in fear. Bassoons are played by both genders, unlike any other instrument in the band. The female bassoonists are the girls that are typically laughing (much too loudly) and trying to catch up on their homework. The male bassoonists are some of the smartest in the band, and will take anything you say much too literally. The bassoon reed is to be kept in an old medicine container or an Altoids box at all times. The bassoon usually sounds like a goose committing suicide, but when paired with other woodwinds can sound almost pleasant. Bassoons are often hefted onto one's shoulder and used as a bazooka. If/when this happens, you should run. They are good friends with clarinet and french horn players, but ABSOLUTELY avoid brass players at all times. They share a mutual hatred for trumpets along with the rest of the woodwinds. Because you cannot march with a bassoon for fear of death by the inhalation of reeds, you must chose another instrument to play. We recommend clarinets.

Clarinets - There is always someone who can't tongue and makes their section leader want to commit suicide and/or murder. They are mostly girls, with few guy players who are usually good players, which keeps them stomaching the company of the girls. The guy players are always either way better than the girl players, or extremely worse. The girls of the section are often violent/bossy. Clarinetists can also be occasionally noted for their sectional rivalry and in some extreme cases, their hatred for most of their own section. They are almost never heard, as their instrument is a quiet one, making one of the band director's most common phrases "Play out, clarinets!!". Clarinets have also been known to use their instruments as WWII rifles in war reenactments when the director isn't looking and brag about their reed size and brand/model of clarinet they have. They also name their own instruments. It is also very common to find them thinking they are the rulers of the world. Clarinets are most often in conflict with the trumpet section since both sections are known to have egos that tend to get in the way of things. They either have bass clarinet best friends or they want to murder the entire bass clarinet section. Clarinets get along best with flutes. However there are certain cases where the two sections are at a constant war with each other and the clarinets are to resort to turning their clarinets into bayonets.

Bass Clarinets - The immature and odd section. They are former clarinet players who switched because they either sucked or the band directors wanted more basses. They are either really great players or can't make more than a squeak. Bass clarinets consider themselves part of the clarinet section but are grouped with saxophones or low brass. Typically guys, but girls are common as well and tend to be better, smarter, and stronger. They are socially awkward and always try to hit on a flute or clarinet but are almost always bitch-slapped for it. They are in conflict with the tubas because the director always wants more tuba. Of course, a real band geek knows, there are never any bass clarinets in marching band because they are too heavy, so players switch to sax.

Saxophones - Have a weird and often perverted sense of humor. They love stealing solos from other sections (especially French horns), and always want to make the music they are given either a higher or lower octave. Band directors love this section more than any other, except flutes, but hate their inability to stop playing. Some practice all the time, while others never touch an instrument outside the band room, leading to a great divide between the levels of talent. Saxes choose band class for their prime napping time. In spite of all this napping they tend to be the best technically sound section in the band. The trumpet section is the saxophone's natural enemy, mostly because they are both the egotistical sections of their instrument group (woodwinds/brass), and can be found arguing constantly over who's more awesome. Saxophones usually consider themselves one giant family, the closest however are the Tenors and Baris. These low reeds are often found at bonfires, off in corners, and loudly chanting. Many have perverted jokes and sometimes get along with Bones. The altos are usually a much larger section so aren't as close with their low reed cousins. Altos are usually one of the most talkative, social groups, and can be found doing such activities as: talking, yelling, having soloing competitions, having prolonged section meetings, and in general screwing around. The bari sax generally gets along with everybody, though on some occasions they are known to fight with either alto saxes or clarinets. Make up perverted jokes about "sucking on their reeds". The saxophones are usually on the higher end of the social ladder.

Trumpets - Usually propelled by just 2-3 actually good players, but all of them attempt to be the highest, loudest, and most arrogant. Easily the cockiest section of the band, which is not helped by the fact that 70% of band directors were trumpet players. Members of this section generally have the shortest attention spans of the band. These egomaniacs tend to play louder than anyone else in the band, despite the fact that none of them have mastered their upper octave past a squeaking sound. A girl trumpet player is usually a tomboy or winds up the mom of the section but not always. Sometimes girl trumpet players are the HPOA (hot piece of ass) in band. During Marching Band season, the trumpets are always the ones that are most excited and hyperactive when it comes to learning new drill, which causes the most mistakes when it comes to finding their spot and making dot cards. However, trumpets tend to be in sync whether the like it or not, which does help during competitions in shows. It is common to hear a Band Director saying to someone "When one trumpet makes a mistake, they all make a mistake!"

French Horns - The closest you're going to come to a woodwind instrument in the brass. Tends to share parts with saxophones, especially alto saxophones. The french horn, as an instrument, is unlike any other. It is made of lots of tubing twisting this way and that, until it finally ends in a huge bell, which the player must stick his/her hand into, or risk being out of tune. The french horn has rotors, making it so that the players must use rotary oil, instead of valve oil. Rotary oil is a very rare thing to have, and any that a player might have is generally used by the whole section. Many people outside of band do not know what instrument the french horn is. It can commonly be described as "the curly one" or "twisty one". Most people who try to play the instrument, end up giving up, because "it was to hard for them". Because of this, true french horn players are fairly rare. Sometimes, a band won't even have any french horns. Being brass, this section tends to be male dominated, but is the most likely brass section to find a girl in. These girls tend to be pretty good. They also tend to be really smart or pretty stupid (correlation anyone?). French horn players that participate in marching band tend to play the mellophone. French horns are know to be hated by John Philip Sousa, who gave them very nasty parts in his marches. French horns seem to get along with everyone else in the band.

Mellophones - A cousin of the trumpets with bigger bells to make up for their much smaller egos, often referred to as a fat/pregnant trumpet. Don't be fooled, they can be just as annoying and loud as trumpets when they want to be. People who play mello in marching band tend to play french horn in concert band. Mellophone players generally play school owned instruments, but those that own their own treat them with much more respect than any other human being, seeing that they don't own five of them like most trumpet players. Mellos tend to be the most brotherly/sisterly section. They change in front of each other, use each other's mouthpieces, drink and eat after each other, punch each other in the face, yell and swear at each other, but they have such a tight bond that they have pre-performance rituals such as, but not limited to: Getting in a huddle and praying, making their feet in a star shape, section leader gives a speech, put hands in the middle, making awkwardly loud freaky noises and screaming "lets do this." Mellos have mello-shining parties and practice their asses off when they are playing a super fast lick of music. Mellos are very laid back. They talk back to the director and they don't take crap from other sections. They are perfectionists. They often over-play then blame it on each other. They despise color guard for they are the ones who are usually being attacked by flags. Mellos aren't easy to please, but give them free food and you're good-to-go. During drill, Mellos are often placed near or with the trumpets, and when a Drum Major or Band Director shouts down "Trumpets!" towards a group of trumpets and mellos, it is extremely common to hear them shout back "And Mellos!" so the shouter doesn't forget they're there, which happens more often than not.

Damn right, they're sexy!

Trombones - The trombone's primary duty within the band is to acknowledge other section's failures by playing a four note tune called the "Sad Trombone." However, they tend to slack on any other duties, such as actually playing their music. Most members are very skilled with sexual innuendo and can find something perverted within any topic such as counting 5, sex, 7, 8. Because of this, most females switch to different instruments. However, it is said that any remaining females actually contain testosterone, at levels that are rumored to be the only ones that actually rival that of the male saxophones. Trombones can be known for dating each other, but when they break up it become World War III when everybody splits up into two sides of the battle. The trombones are the most dangerous. They love to poke people and get on their nerves, their slides have been known to take one-ten heads off in a season... each. Alliances are generally formed with the tubas. They often have tempers and in extreme cases will impale you with their slide. The trombone section is most often blamed for slowing down, speeding up, playing the wrong notes, and everything else, this includes getting blamed by their own section (which includes Tenor Saxophones.) This ticks them off and creates a greater risk and danger to just about everyone.

Euphoniums/Baritones - Euphonium players are usually HUGE Band Geeks. The generally carry most of the characteristics as Trombones (who they usually hate) but are extreme narcissists who tend to characterized as strange, awkward, and are the most perverted section. However, some can be very quiet, calm people. Any females who play are usually quirky. They can seen doing usually stupid things such as attempting to phase through walls at band camp or trying weird voodoo rituals. They are mostly unknown to non-Band geeks, but due to their section pride you will know who they are. They are also known to maul people's heads off when called mini-tubas or when Euphonium, name is misspelled, not capitalized, or called baritones (baritones are also known to do this in the opposite manner). There are usually 2 of them (baritone not euph.) and are the ones that wish they can play tuba.

Tubas - The beat of the band. Tuba players are generally docile, but can be the loudest of all at times. A tuba player usually has a great sense of humor. They are often in trouble for talking during band class. They are sometimes the troublemaker of the band and usually best buds with one of the members of the trombone or percussion section, sometimes the occasional trumpet. They're used to being shoved into small corners. The female tuba player is the rarest of all band geeks, typically the better player and most outgoing. She is also the only smart tuba player in the section. Also she is usually asked by non-band members that see her carrying a sousaphone if "she is holding that for a friend." Tuba players are usually trim and fit, due to lugging large instruments everywhere.

Drumline - Typically "balls for brains", they are truly convinced that they are the perfect form of man. A lot of the drummers are gangstas. They practice constantly, and are known for being very hardcore. You can usually tell them apart from normal humans by the constant tapping emitted from any appendage on their body. Band members and drummers find it hard to discuss music, as drummers usually don't even notice the band is playing (usually because the band is never watching the drum major). The drumline IS the tempo, as they are they only ones capable of holding on to it. With that being said, they have the worst relationship with the drum major, as they blame the tempo tears on the DM and believe that the tempo they set is the right tempo and everyone else is too slow. Do not mistake them for abnormal though; they do have emotions and are human (for the most part). A rare breed of these obnoxious creatures are "female drummers". They are known for their abnormal behavior around other human beings and having just as large an ego as the male of the species.

Pit - The section contains 1-3 players who joined the section because they have experience playing piano, but all joined this section because either no other section wanted them or they needed a section to belong to to be able to join the band. There are usually other players in the section who didn't make the cut for Drumline. But there's always 1 or 2 'pit people' who really do love their music and their keyboard instrument, they usually have the toughest (and best) parts in pit. Occasionally a sub-species of drummer who choose not to meet the marching requirements. They often hate what they play (unless it's cymbal related) and avoid what they do for as long as they possibly can. They are very unorganized, yet know where all their equipment is at all times. Half their practices are spent in 'five-minute breaks', unless with the full band. They love almost everyone and when "just drill" runs are happening, they point out marchers' mistakes (when they're not tapping their parts with their fingers). They are very touchy about their lack of marching. Almost every single person in this position is brighter then the rest of Drumline. They're usually very chummy with the directors and the Drum Major. But they're very protective of their keyboards and often have a name for every piece of equipment. God help you if you hurt their instruments. The only section to be able to dress up like snowmen and still be able to play their instruments; when the snowman effect cannot work, they will use keyboard and bass drum covers as blankets. Early morning practices consist of shivering and finger warm-ups.

Cowbell - The holy grail of all miscellaneous percussion items. No matter how loud you play, the director will still want 'more'. This has been known to cause damage to mallets, drumsticks, and small aluminum bats. Common playing techniques include getting completely off-beat and jumping around like an idiot. Usually gets some very tall guy out there doing that for full effect.

Bass - The only members of the band that don't march, usually they are only in pep bands, not marching bands. They tend to think of themselves as "the awesome glue that holds the band together". True, they play the chords which provide the basis of everything else in the music and they have a friendly manner about them. Don't let that fool you; they are posers that cannot march. There will only be one in a band at a time because if there were more, the random collection of people standing there would detract from the band. Therefore there is only one (so they look less annoying just standing there and not marching). If two were to inhabit the same band simply lock them in a room together and leave for ten minutes. Upon return only one will be left alive. That one will sadly still not march.

Colorguard - An extention of the marching band. Though they have their own practices, secrets, sleepovers, and inside jokes, they are a part of the band for the fall seasons. They are considered one of the better sections because of their ability to march, dance, and spin rifles, flags, and sabres, all while remembering their spots and routines. Of course, this is only true if they can express said talent. The members are considered intimidating due to their colorful outfits, intense face paint/make-up, crazy hair and their tendency to "confidently" hit members of the marching band. Most of them have at some point dated someone in the band. Members of the band who are unfortunate enough to have to stand next to the colorguard in the drill are sometimes known to be driven insane by the amount of drama they overhear being squealed across the field during practice.

Weaknesses, Characteristics, and Habits

• You can get a Band Geek to do almost anything by threatening to harm/damage their instrument (especially if they own it). Also, breaking a reed in half in front of any reed instrument player will cause them extreme physical as well as psychological pain.

• A Band Geek will also do almost anything for food, and get very excited when they find more places in their uniforms to hide food so they can sneak it into the stands at games.

• Bullets (that's what you think)

• Schizophrenia

• Bipolar disorder

• Asperger syndrome

• ADHD ridden hyperactivity

• ADD

• ACDC

• ADOS (Attention deficit, OOH! Shiny!!)

• OCD

• Arcs/ straight lines

• Marching in 3/4 time

• Having Taps (a very complicated ritual in which everyone must stay in time) stuck in your head

• Getting annoyed when car blinkers are not in time.

• Nuclear Weaponry (also what you think)

• A short attention span (when they're marching on the field and forget where they're going)

• Tearing up their music (or touching it)

• Sugar

• Sports(this is a case for only some of these unique creatures)

• Bad Piccolo Players

• Circle Drill

• Weekends when there are no band competitions, we are band geeks we have no life outside of band.

• Being forced into awkward social situations with people who are not part of band because apart from band, band geeks have nothing to talk about.

• Being glared at by non-band members because all you talk about is band, and still carrying on talking about it anyway because it's that or the weather.

• Walking in time with a metronome to see how fast your walking outside of band with other band geeks.

• Being told that a Band Competition is canceled

• Being told that a Band Competition has been moved inside and/or they will not be able to march

See also

• High school subcultures
• Marching band