Benjamin Aaron "Sharpie" Shapiro (born January 15, 1984), also known as the King of Conservativism and the Destroyer of Liberals, is a 13-year-old chipmunk in the body of a 37-year-old Jew who spits facts onto the faces of his victims (mostly leftists) with no concern for their feelings. He is most known (hypothetically speaking) for his political speeches, where he debates against college students on topics such as social justice and thermodynamics.
Shapiro was born in deeply blue California and initially identified as a liberal progressive in the first grade, a political identity that was to do more twists and turns than Michael Jackson's arms and legs.
When most little boys are traumatized by having hair grow in absurd places and having their voice change, Shapiro was instead traumatized by seeing too many like-minds on the left end of the spectrum. And by having his voice not change. He went contrary, aiming to conquer an entire political ecosystem on the right currently dominated by a lot of old and overweight men. Ben saw himself as a virile alternative. Being Right could be sexy.
Having gotten a talk radio show and written several books before becoming old enough to buy alcohol, Shapiro became the darling of the right by needling his contemporaries. He claimed liberals were stifling debate and sticking a political condom over issues to avoid infection from people like him.
Shapiro's first venture into public performance was singing altissimo in a boy band. Backed by Alvin, Simon, and Theodore for the low notes, they performed nightcore chipmunk trance dance music. Notable songs included "Hypothetical Story of My Life", "What Makes You Jewtiful", "I Dream of Republican Town", and "Steal My Kippa".
The act gained popularity after appearing on The X Factor. Although their entire performance was at a frequency too high for Simon Cowell's aging ears — notably, Shapiro's lead vocals and rooftop fiddle solo — it blew Cowell's mind and he sponsored the group to a recording studio. However, Shapiro quit the group on finding out that they were communists. The chipmunks are now living under a bridge, addicted to betel nuts.
As a solo act, Shapiro dropped an experimental hip-hop song named "WAP (Wipeout All Progressives)". It was the same song the famous ululator Cardigan Backyardigan would remake in 2020, though she changed the lyrics to make the playlists in brothels. Shapiro's chartbuster decimated California's left-wing. The refrain of Shapiro's original version was as follows:
- I said, certified centrist
- Six days a week
- Wipeout All Progressives
- Make that commie game weak, woo
Shapiro was tried after destroying half of the earth by using unchallengeable dogmatic facts and logic. Despite all this, he debated the judge and won, adding yet another point to his win streak. He was a free man again, ready to destroy any remaining leftists on his path.
The Times has rated Ben Shapiro as one of the most influential Ninjews of the 21st century. Alongside his weapon of choice, a Stradivarius, he plays Hava Nagila in ultrasound, melting the brains of his opponents.
Shapiro believes that guns should be exclusively used to shoot the left. If you ever see him shooting people in public, don't stop him, he's just exercising his 2nd amendment rights.
Shapiro has strong views against abortion. This is because winners never give up. In a recent interview he mentioned: "I would have never forgiven my mother if she had aborted me".
Shapiro doesn't believe in homosexuals. He considers them to be a hoax created by the left to sell rainbow colored merchandise. Furthermore, he believes there are only two genders, since there are only 2 types of toilets (well, technically there is a third one, the disabled toilet).
Facts that don't care about feelings
- Global warming doesn't exist.
- Eating too few freedom fries has a 100% chance of death.
- Bill Gates wants to put chips into people.
- After seeing Alvin always wore a red shirt.
- Shapiro does not believe that rap et al. are real music. However, he does believe that royalty checks are really bankable.
- Shapiro does more "winning!" than Charlie Sheen and Donald Trump combined.
- With their flavors ranging from sour cream and onion to ammonia
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