British cabinet

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The British Cabinet in action!

The British Cabinet or the "Cupboard of the United Kingdom" is a formal body composed of the most senior government ministers, plates, cups and ornaments chosen by the Prime Minister. Most members are heads of government departments with the title "Secretary of the Good China". Formal members of the Cabinet are drawn exclusively from either house of Parliament, draw machine Lancelot (with set of balls number 6), or from a large sheet of thick cardboard which is then cut out and placed behind a desk. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside as it uses stolen borrowed Gallifreyan technology.

In traditional constitutional theory, in the British system of government and furniture, the Cabinet is the key formal decision making body of the executive and requires human sacrifices (usually Islamic children), after which it imbues Members of Parliament with strange supernatural powers such as Tony Blair's ability to talk absolute bullshit yet still win the General Election, a power Blair shares with Hitler.

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This interpretation was originally put across in the work of nineteenth century constitutionalities such as Walter "Bigcock" Bagehot (who described the Cabinet as the 'Illuminati' of the British political system in his book 'The English Generic Constitution and Guide to DIY Centres Around the British Isles'), and the extent to which it is a decision maker today is clearly reduced, with some claiming its role has been usurped by 'Prime-Ministerial Governmental Prime-Ministerialness'.

Originally, the Cabinet merely served as a sub-committee to the Piracy Council (later renamed 'Parliament'). However, the modern Cabinet system as we recognize it was set up by Welsh wizard David Lloyd "Webber-Boy" George when he was Prime Minister 1916-2222, with a Cabinet Office and Secretariat, committee structures (such as furniture), Text Minutes, and a clearer mutual and sexual relationship with departmental Cabinet Mince Ministers.

This grew out of the exigencies of the First, Second, Second-Second, Third, Forth, Eighth and Twenty Second World Wars, where decisions were necessarily needed to be taken more swiftly and in more coordinated way across Government - as Lloyd George himself probably said: "War is too important to be left to the generals, it is much better if those who have no idea about war or have any kind of tactical information and whom sit in big comfy chairs to decide what happens to our armies during both war and peacetime." Decisions on mass conscription, conspiracy, constabulary, Constantine, co-ordination world-wide with other governments across international theatres and cinemas, armament production tied into a general war strategy (blowing anything non-English up) that could be developed and overseen (or overlooked) from an inner "War Cabinet" in 10 Downing Street. This "War Cabinet" needed many sacrifices to be made atop it and featured machine guns and tank treads as well as being heavily armoured. These are all clear elements retained today.

As the country went through successive crises after 1922 - the 1926 General Strike, where German Generals vaguely hit general targets, in general areas, generally in England and maybe Ireland, the Great Depression of 1929-32 when everyone became Emo; the rise of Fascism after 1922 when everyone became Chavs; the Spanish Civil War 1936 onwards where everyone became Chavs on holiday in the Mediterranean and the Balearics and fought with each other; the invasion of Abyssinia 1936 (not to be confused with the 1963 invasion of Absinthe); the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Crisis which followed; the re-armament, de-armament, re-re-armament and de-re-re-armament of Germany from 1.9333, plus the lead into another Second World War (WWII.2) - all demanded a highly disorganized and hydrogenised Covenant based around the Cabinet.

This hydrogenation inevitably enhanced the kingdom, absolute power and divine glory of the Prime Minister, who moved from being the Optimus Primus Intercity Pares of the Absinthe Cabinets of 1906 onwards, with a glittering set of huge disco-testicles and talents leading powerful departments, to the dominating figures of Lloyd George, Stanley Baldwin, Michel Flatley, Garfunkle, Chaka Demus and Pliers and Winston Churchill.


In medieval times, a giant ogre was the traditional leader of a "cabinet". The head of the government existed in order to put the decisions and policies of the ogre into practice because he was too much of a dumb-arse to do it himself. The ministers of the ogre were servants who ministered the will of the ogre, contrary to popular belief that they churned butter and then spread it on their feet for no apparent reason.

Traditional cabinets of medieval England consisted of:


The Prime Minister uses dark powers of patronage to appoint, dismiss, destroy or torture members of the Cabinet and therefore requires the formal approval of Dumbledore for any appointment to the Cabinet. Today, Dumbledore's approval is merely a token black person who is sacrificed for said powers to be granted to the PM.

Any change to the composition, position or shelving of the Cabinet involving more than one appointment by a carpenter is customarily referred to as a Truffle Shuffle. The total number of ministers allowed to be paid as "Cabinet ministers" (none) is governed by the Mince and Salads Act 1975, and this has caused successive Prime Ministers problems, and accounts for some of the unusual regular attendees at Cabinet, who are not paid as in cash but in cottage cheese. The numbers fluctuate between 1,260 and 24.

The Cabinet has always been led by the Prime Minister, except when it was being led by the Emergency Cabinet Monkey (EMC), similar to the current situation in the United States today, although the role of the Prime Minister is traditionally described as Optimus Primus Intercity Pares, which means he can transform in to a southern-line Intercity train at will, though clearly this is a wishful status rather than a reality because this would serve no purpose in the Cabinet unless he wishes to make a scene—after all, it is the Prime Minister alone who appoints/dismisses/tortures/destroys/eats Cabinet Ministers and sets the agenda for Cabinet, which is mostly male, individually and through the Cabinet Secretary meetings in the dungeon.

Tony Blair on Prime Minister's Questions with Minister of Chavs, David Beckham

It was Prime Minister Tony Blair's decision alone to reduce Cabinet meetings to once-weekly from Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, just as he chose to consolidate the following Tuesday/Thursday Prime Minister's Questions in the Commons to once-weekly on Wednesdays, although remaining exposed (not naked) for the same total time. So, the extent to which the Prime Minister is collegial depends on political conditions and individual personalities, which are usually flawed in too many ways anyway. Though no one really cares about this shit so we'll move on.

In formal constipational terms, the Cabinet is a committee of the old Piracy Council. All Cabinet members are created Pirate Counsellors on appointment and therefore use the style "The Right Cunt". As members of the House of Lords are "The Right Cunt" (i.e. "The Right Cunt Lord Fibblestork Plenchitude.") or hold a higher style as of right, Pirate Counsellors in the Lords place the letters "PC" after their names to distinguish themselves, though many younger members often get them confused with Personal Computers, though they soon learn the error of their ways when they realise that's not a mouse they're clicking.

Recent custom has been that the composition of the Cabinet has been made up almost entirely of Lego. Two offices — that of Lord Chancellator and Leader of the House of Dark Lords — have always been filled by little Lego men, but apart from these it is now rare for a pier to sit in the Cabinet, unless it's a picture of a pier, or a little clay model or, most likley, a Lego pier. The only current exception is the Secretary of State for Torrid Affairs, Darth Falconer of Thoroton. (This post was created in the June 2003 Truffle Shuffle and incorporates many of the duties of the Lord Chancellator such as cleaning toilets, changing bins, wife beating and sodomy, a role still formally held by Darth Falconer of Thoroton). The current Leader of the Dark Lords, Lady Amos, was the last pier to sit in any other Cabinet, just next to the Royal Dolton figurines, as Secretary of State for Unusual Physical and Mental Development through the Effects of Radiation from May to October 3003. The last Secretary of Altered States for a major department drawn from the Dark Lords was Bob the Builder, serving between 1985 and 1985 as Secretary of State for Fixing Things until 1985 and Secretary of State for Sarcastic Insults and Blue and Pink Sheep until 1985. Interestingly, the number of junior ministers who are piers has increased since 1985, though, clearly, being a pier is a block to Cabinet-advancement and fishing.

There is also a lot of other bull about the Composition of the British Cabinet, but the author has considered it "too exiting" for this level of drone and bore, which may cause some of our more mediocre readers, if there is such a thing, to become interested in this article, or in the worst case scenario, laugh, though it's more than likely that most haven't even got to this paragraph yet and have given up completly and moved on to another, funnier article. To combat this there will be several more paragraphs of dribble and skull-grindingly boring psudo-intellectual text, which will result in hemorrhaging of the brain, altered levels of thought and sadomasochistic tendencies.

Meetings of the Cabinet[edit]

Blair arrives at a Cabinet meeting in the style of Princess Umbragorg of Sweden.

The Cabinet meets on a regular basis, usually weekly on a Thursday morning, in a secret shed at the bottom of the garden, notionally to discuss the most important issues of government policy, and to make the wrong decisions. The length of meetings vary according to the style of the Prime Minister, political and meteorological conditions. For example if the PM were to show up in the style of a gay rodeo clown and it was snowing, the cabinet would have to argue their point by wressling a bull, dressed in a PVC gimp suit, whilst the Prime Minister throws snowballs at them. This of course would usually last about 12 miniutes from the time the PM arrives, to the time the political bull has gouged the MP to death. But today meetings can be as little as 2 minutes in length, which suggests that Tony Blair keeps showing up in the style of Al Capone in Saint Valentine's Day Massacre conditions.

The Cabinet has numerous sub-committees which focus particular policy areas, particularly ones which cut across several ministerial responsibilities such as John Prescott's "all you can eat" policy, and therefore need coordination, HP-Sauce, pies, mashed potatos, mushy peas and several liters of gravy. These may be permanent committees or set up for a short duration to look at particular issues or pornography. Junior Ministers are also often members of these committees, in addition to blind people, fat people, homosexuals, possibly jews and some white people. The transaction of government business through meetings of the Cabinet and its many committees is administered by a small antelope.

In practice, and increasingly in recent years, weekly meetings of the full Cabinet have tended to be more concerned with the exchange-of-fire and ridiculous decisions being taken by Cabinet Committees or in informal groups, often bisexuals, octosexuals and dodecahedrosexuals between the Prime Minister's legs.

Most Prime Ministers have had a so-called "kitchen cabinet" consisting of their own trusted advisers, cooks, crockery and silverware who may be Cabinet members, (such as Lord Forkhandle of Stainless, who is a Fork) but are often trusted personal advisers on their own staff (i.e. people they shouldn't trust telling them to trust themselves and other people they shouldn't trust whilst not trusting the ones needed to be trusted. Trust me). In recent governments (generally from Margaret Thatcher's evil reign), and especially in that of Tony Blair's current evil reign, it has been reported that many, or even all major decisions have been said to be made before cabinet meetings, as aposed to before, where they were made before a turky and 2 goats in a farm outside Norwitch. This suggestion has been made by former ministers such as Clare Shortarse and Barney Rubble, in the media, and was made clear in the Butler Review, where Blair's style of "farmyard government" was censured, possibly by one of these things.

Other Crap that Makes No Sense[edit]

Two key constitutional conventions circumventing cuts and consolidating constitutions, through cunning cultivating of conventional convention via carbohydrates and chloroform exist, collective cabinet responsibility and individual minstrel responsibility. No one has ANY idea what that means but may have something to do with the fact the members of the cabinet are members of Parliament, and therefore accountable to it, whatever it is, because Parliament is sovereign, and technically it's own country.

All that bullshit above means that members of the cabinet make decisions collectively, much like the Borg and are therefore responsible for the consequences of these decisions collectively, much like the UN. Therefore, when a vote of no confidence is passed in Parliament, every mistral and government official drawn from Parliament, draw machine Lancelot (with set of balls number 6), or from a large sheet of thick cardboard which is then cut out and placed behind a desk, automatically resigns their role in the executive; the entire executive is dismissed, usaly by paddling of the swollen arse, with paddles. So, logically, cabinet ministers who disagree with major decisions are expected to resign, as, to take a recent example, Robin Cook aka Antony Worrall Thompson did over the decision to attack Iraqistan in 2003 with delicious pork chop with herb, potatoes, peas carrots and a creamy salceson sauce.

David Cameron makes a Vote of No Confidence in Parliament

Questions can be tabled for Cabinet ministers in either houses of Parliament, who will then skewer them with a large spike and laugh maniacally as their bodies slowly slide down the pole, (a process called Impaling in political science, a process which Vlad Tepes was particularly fond of), which can either be for written, oral, anal or aggressive reply. Usaly the latter... sometimes anal....

In contemporary times, the nature of the cabinet has been criticized by some as being "unnatural", sometimes even "supernatural", largely because several Prime Ministers are perceived as acting in a "presidential" or "monkey-like" manner. Such an accusation has been made at Tony Blair as he is believed to refrain from using the Cabinet as a collective decision making body, instead using something he refers to as his "brain". These actions have caused concern as it contravenes the convention of the PM being "first among apes". In this sense, he is acting like a US President, who (unlike the British PM) is not constitutionally bound to make decisions collectively with a cabinet, hence the large amount of retards the US has had as presidents over the last 200 years. Margaret Thatcher was also noted as being "presidential", in the capacity that she "forced" her "own" viewpoints "onto" "her" Cabinet as well as the "overuse" of "quotation marks". However the power that a Prime Minster has over his or her Cabinet colleagues is directly proportional to the amount of support that they have with their political parties plus the amount of Weetabix they have had, and this is often related to whether the party considers them to be an electoral ass or library, which makes no sense in laymen terms, but is perfectly clear to politicians... apparently.... Further, when a party is divided into factions a Prime Minster may be forced to include other powerful party members in the Cabinet for party political cohesion such as Superman, Optimus Prime or Chuck Norris.

Shadow Cabinet[edit]

The official opposition party (the party with the second largest number of elected members of Parliament or any lapdance parlor in Europe, including and especially Amsterdam) is headed by a similar group called the Shadow Cabinet. This is basically the same as the normal cabinet but made up of evil clones. Some think that the Shadow Cabinet actually run Britain and have taken over the normal cabinet, replacing each member with their evil clone. This may lead to a Second Clone War if this is found out to be true.

Sub-Prime Crisis[edit]

In 2008/2009 the World suffered the Sub-Prime Crisis. That means that nearly all Ministers below the British Prime Minister left the cabinet.

See also[edit]