Burning is fantastic, great fun for the whole family and has fascinated humans, scientists and especially magicians for thousands of years.
- Burning is a biochemical process when the element oxygen is combined with some form of living matter, such as skin, blood or even fire.
- Burning produces heat as a product of the reaction (there is an ongoing debate as to whether or not this product constitutes a "Goods" or a "Services" meaning Burning is liable for many billions of years of unpaid GST (Goods and Services Tax)).
- Burning can only safely occur when inanimate oxygen is combined with living matter. Sometimes when two living objects (such as a human and fire) compete for the same oxygen it hurts and can even kill either party. This is why more primitive animals such as mammoths are scared of more advanced animals like fire.
- Fire uses a simple but incredibly effective method of hunting. When chasing its prey, fire will climb up a large tree and burn it so that it falls directly in the path of its prey. While the prey is stunned from the tree falling, fire completely encircles its prey and cuts it off from escape. This is a widely known fact and has been represented doing this in action movies, TV shows, cartoons, comic books, and porches. A rarely caught on film event was in a the documentary film Volcano starring that white guy from men in black. Fire used a jeep, bus, and conveniently placed palm trees to surround whats been purported to be an exceptionally talented, sweet, and pretty rhesus monkey.
- Burning hurts, A LOT!! We here at uncyclopedia recommend NOT burning. Yelling at things that start with "B" can be a very fun and exciting replacement hobby.
- Burning is never good unless zombies are the one's that are burning then feel free to laugh.
Burning and us
- When breathing, a human combines the oxygen in the air with their blood via their lungs. The heat produced from this reaction heats up the blood. This is why humans are warm-blooded.
- Burning humans can be considered tabboo in many cultures, for example when the magician Beltyn submitted his spell "Beltyn's Burning Blood" to the Wizard's Accossiation for New Kosmic Energy Recognition (1254) they originally disallowed it on the grounds that that would just hurt too much. But Beltyn persisted and demonstrated to WANKER that the spell was a means to breath under water, or even in space. Concluding that they had been made fools of, and officially that breathing in space is one of the sacred powers of the pope, WANKER labelled Beltyn a Heretic and Burned him at the Steak, where everyone present had a great time and thought it a jolly good joke.
Things that don't burn
- Reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded thanks to powerful fridges and freezers in their bodies that take away all the excess heat from burning. These organs also help reptile's food last a very long time, allowing some to hunt once every few weeks. Some hygiene conscious Crocodiles have upgraded to the newest LG fridges allowing them to hunt for food in the internet rather than in unsanitary rivers.
- Water. Water does not burn because it already has it's own oxygen and does not need to combine with any more. Unless it is the Cayahoga River, whereas, it CAN burn.
- fire retardant chemicals. These are horrific weapons in the same family as nerve gas adapted to inhibit all biological functions of fire, killing it swiftly and painfully.
- Firefighters. Firefighters are an incredibly brave breed of warriors, wielding large red axes and enormous hydraulic whips. They wear little armor but a helmet connected to their own oxygen supply which stops the fire from attacking them. They are usually very large with bright yellow skin, and often paint themselves with reflective war-paint before going to combat.
- oxygen. Oxygen does not burn itself.
- A Gold Hat. Hats cannot burn on venus due to the law, Hat40011012422.
- Ultimate Warrior. Self explanatory.