CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

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Taken from an early episode in 1967

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation or CSI: Crimes Solved Instantly does exactly what it says, following a team of Crime Scene Investigators. The show is set within Las Vegas, 'sin-city' of the world; so that makes the crimes completely believable.


Each episode begins typically with some dramatic ritz and glitz pan-over of Vegas, zooming into an area of the landscape where some shady crime is currently taking place. After some very dramatic music and a flash, there is a pan to the drama that leads to the discovery of the body. Traditionally; this is involving fast cars, sexual encounters of the sordid types, money and screaming women. Then, with another fast flash the CSI crew arrives, and cue the slow motion. Arriving in their official vests, with the retro silver flight cases that contain all the answers for the show, all within an hour. A few guest appearances and a bit of impossible "ma and pa" forensics, cheesy flashbacks, and with a pinch of TV magic, the cases are solved by the super-geniuses, everything wrapped up into a neat little package. There is even some time to add some soap induced drama that traditionally makes people's eyes water from the suds.

This is the entire plot. Basically once they say there's gonna be back to back episodes your only chances at non boredom are to turn off the TV, put in a DVD of a movie you like or quickly change the channel.

'Detailed' Characters[edit]

"DB" Russell: (Played by Ted Danson) The new supervisor of the night shift and comic arm of the show, he replaced Billows as Supervisor following her demotion, his name does in fact stand for 'Dead Body', partly due to his work as a CSI, and partly due to his necrophilia. - Actually DB stands for Deibenkorn (Episode 12.14 - "Seeing Red")

Gil "Pissy" Possum: (Played by William Petersen) The supervisor of the night shift and resident "father" figure (if your dad is completely insane and is really Oscar Wilde in disguise, that is) (i.e., team leader) and a trained entomologist, Grissom has convinced himself and the rest of the team that every crime they investigate has been plotted by a group of super-intelligent spiders. Despite this conviction, until recently the team was unable to "nail" such a spider and had to make do with catching the spiders' human cohorts. This was a source of embarrassment for the team until recently and was behind Ecklie's early machinations to break them up and de-brainwash them. However, the recent revelation that the so-called Miniature Killer was in fact a giant black widow seems to have vindicated the team. Grissom was sent back from the year 2176 to the present day, and he was built to be the most efficient crime-solving machine ever. He was equipped with omniscience as well as a slight glimmer of emotions, which can be seen in fleeting glances from time to time.

A viewer cannot readily confuse his appearance with those of the other characters. In some episodes he wears glasses, in others he does not; in some he sports a beard, in others not; and in some he wears Hawaiian shirts and straw hats, whereas in others not. He is constantly referred to as "Grissom", which the writers of the show explained by saying that they originally did not create a first name for him because they "modeled his character on Madonna". His demeanor is cold and distant, and he tends to avoid physical contact with other human beings, who he studies as though they were bugs. His co-stars have claimed that Grissom's apparent "social retardedness" is actually simply a result of bad acting.

Grissom's younger years and today

At one point in the series, Grissom began to lose his hearing. Despite being told by Doc Robbins after an examination that there was nothing that could be done given the present state of deterioration, he was somehow able to get it back after undergoing surgery. It has been hinted that the more advanced super-intelligent spiders in fact performed this surgery after Grissom cut a deal with them. Unfortunately, the details of this deal have yet to be revealed.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

In season 6, suddenly the writers decided that social retarded Grissom was in need of some sex appeal, so they gave him a straw hat. This increased his sex appeal ten-fold with rednecks and Sara Sidle. This eventually lead to Grissom sleeping with Sara repeatedly, and the relationship is called GSR—which stands for Gun Shot Residue—which many fans are experiencing after watching their romantic scenes. If one of the characters is speaking and you cannot understand a word of it unless you have a degree in English Literature, chances are that the character is Grissom, whose manner of speaking is similar to that of Oscar Wilde.

Catherine Billows: (Played by Marg Helgenberger) Grissom’s right-hand woman and resident "mother" figure (if your mom is a total slut and is sleeping with your older brother's best friend, that is). Her low cut tops and stylish look, including the oh-so practical high heels she wears to crime scenes, make her unmistakable. She’s the one that brings the motherly instinct to the team, being a single mother (after a tragic break-down of a marriage) to an apparently teenage daughter … or at least that’s what we think. She is a very strong person, who likes taking control and eventually does so in season 5 (also nicknamed Must Change the Format season) when she becomes the supervisor of the swing shift, a position in which her previous experience as a pole-riding stripper helped to prepare her for. She has a tangled family life, which is far too confusing to actually track. Her father was the Mobster of Las Vegas (Sam Braun), but she decides to rebel and become a goody.

She finds herself getting very attached to cases that involve children. To identify Catherine without even looking, you can normally tell in later seasons by the moans and groans of being a single mother to a teenager; it's such a hard life. She is often mistaken for one of the corpses on cases due to her skeletal appearance, although her aforementioned low cut tops helped her to win the CSI team's "Mom I'd Like to Fuck" award, beating out Nick Strokes by a landslide. After working for years to reach the rank of Supervisor, she was demoted because the black guy screwed her over.

Black Grissom:/Dr. Robert Langston (Played by Laurence Fishburne) Is the resident Brother Figure (If Your Brother sucks your Cousin and Mom, That Is) Grissom's Black Replacement, Just Like Grissom only Black, Unpopular, Fat and Junior CSI. Like most black men, he turned to crime and has been arrested. There are currently no plans for a new token character.

Nick Strokes: (Played by George Eads) The resident "older-brother" figure (if your older brother looks like a washed-up porn star, that is). The Texan with short dark brown (almost black) hair, and if you catch him in season 6, some episodes he’s sporting the ‘porn-stache’ of a sleazy pornstar. At first you see him with anger management issues, and a competitive streak with his colleague, Warrick. However later this dies out. It seems that there is some vendetta between the writers and Nick, who like to make his life miserable from the word go. Thrown out of a window, a crazy stalker in his attic (reality? A CSI fan on set), and then buried alive when Quentin Tarantino brought some Kill Bill to Las Vegas. He has an emotional attachment to cases involving children too, after being abused by his babysitter when he was 9, because of course there always has to be some drama. He’s the one that is given all the lady appeal in the show and is apparently a charmer, but it is rumored that he is actually gay and sleeping with Greg. To recognize Nick, it really isn’t that hard; just listen for the Texan accent and watch for the cowboy look.

Warrick Frown: (Played by Gary Dourdan) IS THE BLACK GUY THAT DIES FIRST AND THE ONLY ONE TO DIE AND The resident "older-brother's-best-friend" figure (if your older brother's best friend has a gambling addiction, is divorced, and is sleeping with your mom, that is). As the "token Black" of the team, Brown brings many invaluable skills, including the ability to pick locks, hotwire cars, and freak out "Whitey". His proficiency in Ebonics has also come in handy when dealing with black suspects and especially with guest star Kevin Federline. Brown sports a retro afro in an attempt to revive the hippy era, and has sharp green eyes. He is Las Vegas born and bred, and predictably had a gambling addiction which cost the life of a fellow CSI (Holly Gribbs). There seemed to be some sexual tension between him and Catherine after she won the MILF award in season 5. However after his shock marriage to Tina, the tension dissipated. Whether it will return now that the marriage fell apart in the popular Season 7 "Divorce Court" storyline, only time will tell. He also has a sharp temper, if the right things are said to him. Warrick still likes a friendly wager with Nick every once in a while, tempting fate. The cases that get to him are juveniles in trouble, because he knows the real under-belly of Las Vegas. Recognizing Warrick without seeing the screen is easy, if ‘man’ appears on average once per sentence, that’s him. Most expected remark: "Whaddya mean, token black guy?"

Sara Sui Sidle: (Played by Jorja Fox) The resident "older sister" figure (if your older sister is an alcoholic and is sleeping with your dad, that is). She’s Grissom’s prodigy, brought in from San Francisco to replace Holly Gribbs back in the second episode of season 1 after negative feedback about Holly reached CBS. She can be identified by her dark clothing and is the only one that actually looks like she is a CSI. Sara’s a workaholic, very determined and focused, and she doesn’t let people get too close to her, although she’s always harbored a soft spot from Grissom. This eventually leads to a secret affair involving awful shirts and a 16-year age gap. Greg has always had a soft spot for her, leading to the love triangle that all soaps need. She’s very strong, independent and doesn’t have much of a life outside the lab or at least it’s portrayed that way. Sara had a regular childhood in the foster care system because, you know, her mom murdered her dad. The drinking also lead to the revelation that Sara's middle name is Su, as her parents felt that way after realizing what an awful child they had spawned. Therefore she has a weakness for cases involving abuse between couples. In the season 7 finale, Jorja Fox demanded a pay rise, and so the writers decided to kill her off in the Miniature Killer storyline (although fans are confused as to how Sara is miniature, believing the original storyline was to involve Catherine). Sadly, those damn writers decided that she could live, but then leave her soap opera lover Grissom with a little love note. There isn’t an easy way to identify Sara on screen without seeing her; she's just that amazing, except for her "paunchy" abdomen.

Morticia Bogie: (Played by Elisabeth Harnois) The daughter of the bald one.

Smiley Kebabans: (Played by Lauren Lee Smith) Sara and Warrick's Replacement, except not moody or dead, she left because Sara came back, and she couldn't keep the her gaydar from going off when around her predecessor.

Ned Flanders: (Played by Eric Szmanda) The resident "young brother" figure (if your younger brother has a severe case of ADHD and has slept with just about every person he knows, that is. Or so he says …) Spiky hair, loud shirts, and even louder music at first could help you identify him, but then toward later seasons, look for a mop of blonde and brown hair. Previously a DNA technician for the team, but then in the fifth season (surprised?) he becomes a CSI, which gives him more airtime. For about five minutes, then that so-called “airtime” just goes straight down the hole … until season nine, that is. At first you can see him as a light-hearted flirt that jokes persistently and brings comic relief to the show. Too bad that, as a CSI, Greg is tamer, serious and tries very hard to impress people … and, frankly, is boring. He’s been blown up, burned his back (without any scars? WTF) and had been traumatized by it too. He's also been beaten up, because that's one of the only storylines not done by CBS. He looks up to Grissom, and works hard to impress the bug-man and prove that he is worth the position as a CSI. It has been suggested that Greg and Ryan Wolfe from CSI: Miami have been having an affair for the past seven years, but the show has not presented any canon evidence of this. To identify Greg on-screen in early episodes, go for the loud music or the comic relief angle, and in latter series keep an eye out for the one that sounds like he’s trying too hard. He was originally to be the 'token gay', but CBS writers couldn't decide between him, Bobby Dawson, or Nick Stokes, so they simply left out anything that confirmed that. So TPTB [the powers that be] put in truckloads of subtext to compensate the gay community. It has been speculated that the actors themselves have given up trying to convince the writers to actually give them a threesome, and had a three-man orgy in the middle of set. On a side note, this happens to be where the producers get most of their 'semen' for the show, along with used condoms and whore's vomit.

Guest appearances[edit]

There are a few guest appearances to look for. These guest appearances are typically to make you go "Oh, who is that?" and distract you from the flailing plotline.

Jim Brass, a form of "Bulldoginus Copperis"

Jim Grass: (Played by Paul Guilfoyle) The resident "uncle" figure (if your uncle is a cop who once killed another cop during a shoot out and has a prostitute daughter, that is). Sarcastic, dry, and tough faced, the homicide detective, Brass (oh lo and behold! another surname used as first name) used to run the graveyard shift. But upon hearing the fans complaining that he wasn't deep enough, nor nerdy enough, they decided to downgrade him to less airtime. Recently he was shot in the season 6 finale; however this was a back-plot to something far more disturbing, involving socially retarded Grissom and Sara Sui-Sidle.

Doctor Abraham Gobbins: (Played by Robert David Hall) The resident "grandfather" figure (if your grandfather gets off on seeing people cut open, and has prosthetic legs, that is). Seen in nothing but a lab-coat, due to a rare skin disorder, which causes direct light to make him howl, Doc Robbins (as he is nicknamed) is the coroner/pathologist for the team. His work is dead interesting. He is hardly spotted out on scenes or anywhere else but the morgue, actually. Also seen commonly with a crutch, because Doc Robbins has prosthetic legs similar to Heather Mills. He can be identified as the one that gives the entire complex analogy and description of the death, which you would need a university degree to completely understand.

David Splodges: (Played by Wallace Langham) The resident "cousin" figure (if your cousin is hated by everyone that meets him and still lives with his mother, that is). Snarky and sarcastic, he does trace analysis in later seasons, and is constantly trying too hard to impress Grissom. He isn’t too friendly towards many of the CSI’s, even less with Greg, because of his very dry and very blunt view on things. He could be regarded as arrogant, but makes for great comic relief on the show (which, surprisingly, used to be Greg’s “thing” on the show, but somehow he lost all his personality…). Hodges also enjoys techno-dancing whilst his GCMS analyses substances. To identify Hodges, you would normally listen for snide remarks, mixed with trace details. In season 9, he has almost exclusively spent his time having loud sexual fantasies about Mandy, Archie, Katherine, The Miniature Killer, and Possum, usually at least in threesomes (while he stands outside the window and watches).

Ahhh, the baldness ... it blinds us!

My Bald Conrad: (Played by some bald guy) The resident "evil guy next door" figure (if your evil guy next door has a head shiny enough to blind the pilot of a low flying air plane, that is). Ecklie has many alternate personalities such as; The Devil, Asshole, Ratings Booster, Waxy, and also the human mirror. Known for his unmistakable bald head, he is said to be able to act as a mirror for the cast, and also power the whole of Hampshire. He bears a striking resemblance to Agent 69 of Hitman fame.

Snobby Bobby Dawson: (Played by some southern hick) The resident "twice removed, inbred cousin (much like Cletus) figure" (if your twice removed, inbred cousin has a oddly sexual gun fetish, that is) has an infinite knowledge of how to shoot 'coons' and which of his sisters is the best lay. Rumored to be gay with the other Southern hick (Nick), this has never made it to canon because this could ruin his popularity with the Southern states.

Lesbian Webbster (Played by a butch lesbian) The resident "crazy aunt" figure (if your crazy aunt wears doopy glasses and has slept with your older brother's best friend, that is). Mandy is the finger print analyst. She is seen in very few scenes, barely enough to be acknowledged, and she quickly became part of CBS’s program to further equal opportunities and to dodge their ‘stereotyping’ persona; they cast Mandy as a butch lesbian. Law suits still pending against CBS.

Geek Johnson (Played by some Asian nerd) The resident weird next door kid (if your next door kid stars the whole day at a computer). Archie is the computer analyst who sits almost every episodes at the same chair and do nothing but stares at a computer. When Archie complained about it against CBS. They killed one of the main characters (Warrick Brown) and threw Archie at the empty place. Archie was shocked but was to chicken to protest. You can recognize Archie if you see the huge pile of computers in a room.

The Flash: (Played by 3 different actors and an actress) The Flash was the slowest CSI on the force, until one day lightning struck the evidence from the most recent super scientist serial killing. Unfortunately, even with super speed The Flash still couldn't solve murders in the half an hour mandated by T.V. crime dramas.

Julia Michaels she sings the soundtrack to the series. She sings: We look at tissues. The victim was called Peter. We have to file him in cubic millimetres.