Canonization reform (first draft revised by the Pope)
Crossed outphrases are meant to be removed, text in “quote marks” or [square brackets] added; italicized references are Pope’s direct commentaries
We, the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church, have recently seen an enormous increase in the canonization requests that the Church usually receives. It goes without saying that the knowledge that more and more brave virtuous men are amongst us brings tears to our eyes. We even took time to look through the Church’s policies and principles to find out how we could miss the causes of such an anomaly.
To start with, you should understand that this is a two-edged sword. We cannot make everyone a saint for many obvious reasons. Just take into consideration the fact that it would make us add “Saint” in front of every single name, written or spoken, which even in its short form (“St.”) would significantly increase our paper consumption and therefore the global emission of carbon dioxide.
Not only this, there are also only 365 days in a year for thousands of first names
and we already have the majority of those still available booked by the Pope for his descendants. Imagine what a burden it would be for you to congratulate dozens of people on their name day, every single morning of your short life, and you will understand our positions.
please note that we have revised the entire process of canonization and introduced some very important rules. You can simply think of this as of a higher standard, which should make you feel proud for your Church, that can afford such standard. We really hope you are proud, because otherwise[...] we wonder what you are still doing on the Earth.
- So, first of all, you cannot nominate yourself. A saint should be a modest man,
even though it doesn’t work the other way round,
- Second, we won’t accept canonization requests for people who are still alive,
even if they resurrected.
- If you are already a saint in another religion, it won’t increase the chances of you becoming a Christian saint. [On the other hand, a fine fire spectacle on a public place, which you will assist in that case, can make these odds improve significantly.]
- There must be a[t least three] miracle[s] associated to your life.
- Note: Holy miracles are rare by definition.
- You cannot be recognized as a saint twice [or more].
- After your death, your body has to exalt sweet odors, for years.
- It takes us from ten to twelve [hundred] years to check if all the criteria are fulfilled.
- Note: Patience is another virtue.
- Any response received prior to the end of that expectation term should be considered as spam[, burnt] and given up to the Inquisition for a thorough handwriting analysis.
- Note: If we really wanted to prevent you from becoming a saint, we would have demanded a strict obedience of all of the Ten Commandments, word by word.
So stop complaining and praise the Lord (and us).
Roman Catholic Church.
- “And women” should be added, because of the new sex equality trend
- Add “of joy” for less ambiguity
- Replace the sword with a crucifix, for a more religious imagery
- Add the fact that trees are work of God and so can only be destroyed on special occasions, such as when publishing Pope's memoirs
- Threats work better when they are vague. For instance, if you don't correct this, your mother will... I already see you shivering. No? Back to the topic, all this is so boring, I might as well go to sleep now. Maybe add a picture of a skull for more effect?
- It doesn’t work the first way either, but you can still keep this because it sounds convincing.
- I am planning on resurrecting, so cross that out.
- Add something about divine justice, so they think you are on topic
- If not for miracles, I would have already quit my function hundreds of times. You don't know how annoying Pope’s daily life is.
- Add “It is the Pope who defines ‘miracles’ and it is also he who decides whether or not a specific example fits a specific definition.”
- Add “unless you are the Pope”.
- Add “Preferably - white roses”, but it can basically be any sweet aroma except for that of tulips. (I am allergic to them.)
- Speak for yourself
- Add that if the requester makes a mistake, his nose will be cut off. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth...
- For an effective conclusion, add a phrase from a hymn or a prayer. It should be in Latin, so that nobody understands it and it looks official. “Carpe Diem” for example: people use it but nobody actually knows what this is.
Final draft, presenting several changes to the original one
Male and female Christians,
We, the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church, have recently seen an enormous increase in sex equality trends that the Church usually deals with, as well as requests for pontification filed by women. It goes without saying that the knowledge that more and more brave virtuous women are amongst us brings tears of joy to our eyes, for less ambiguity.
However, you should understand that this is a four-sided crucifix. We cannot make every woman a Pope for many obvious reasons. Actually, we cannot make a woman a Pope at all but I am getting ahead of myself. Just take into consideration the fact that woman is a creation of God and so can only be destroyed on special occasions.
Not only this, we already have the majority of available places booked by the Pope for his descendants, so that he doesn’t have to make a new request every time a new member is born to his large family, which is - every morning, so that it is almost impossible for any other person to have that duty. Thus, those who get it should sacrifice their lives to that important function and so cannot be women, to whom our Creator proscribed giving birth and taking care of future priests, bishops and Popes.
Therefore, note that we have revised the entire process of pontification and introduced some very important rules which you can read, while bored, before going to sleep. Otherwise...
- First of all, you cannot nominate yourself for pontification if you are a woman. (You cannot nominate yourself for it if you are a man either, but in that case there are ways to get past that rule.)
- Second, we won’t accept any requests from people who are still alive, but I am planning on resurrecting, so cross that out. Unless you are not a man, which makes things quite different.
- If you are already a Pope in another religion, this won’t increase your chances of becoming a Christian Pope. On the other hand, if you are a woman, highly improved odds of you being canonized after a fine fire spectacle on a public place will surely make up for this misfortune. What to say - it's divine justice!
- Always remember that you cannot imagine how annoying the Pope's daily life is (and so it is not a suitable work for a member of the weaker sex).
- You cannot be recognized as a Pope twice or more, unless you are the Pope.
- Your body has to exalt sweet odors, preferably - white roses, in case you are a woman.
- Yes, it is possible and yes, we’ll bother to check.
- Know, that if you mistake the smell of white roses for another one, your nose will be cut off.
- It takes the Church from ten to twelve hundred years to check if all the criteria are fulfilled if you are a woman. If you are impatient, you should be burnt and given up to the Holy Inquisition for a thorough analysis.
- Note: If you are or have been at any time a mother, a wife and/or a daughter, we also demand a strict obedience of all Ten Commandments, word by word, even though this is quite self-evident.
Roman Catholic Church.