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La República Imperial de Polaquia
Motto: "It's Spain's fault!"
Anthem: Barça, Barça, BAaaaaaaaaaaaaarça!
Official language(s) Catalan, Spanish, Anti-Spanish, English, Broken English, Punabi, Chinese.
Government Ineffectual
National hero(es) Antoni Gaudí, Salvador Dalí, Bruce Lee.

“I walk the Rambles, but not with real intent.”

~ Manic Street Preachers on Welsh tourists in Barri Gotic

“And the whole huge town of a million people was locked in a sort of violent inertia, a nightmare of noise without movement.”

~ George Orwell on Barcelona when Barça play.

“After I die, I hope they dedicate a square to me in Catalonia. And I hope people sit around in it, taking drugs. Yeah, that would be a great way to commemorate me coming here to fight a war. ”

~ Orwell again, this time on Plaça de George Orwell

The Imperial Republic of Catalonia officially known as Scatoluna (Spanish: Polaquia [Poh-lack-e-ah])[1] is a much blessed kingdom, although it always was a mere principality. Catalonia was one of the original cradles of civilization; for eons, Catalonia ruled the Mediterranean seas with an iron fist (which is not easy, because iron fists sink). Then, in 1412, they gambled away the country in a game of cards. They've been trying to get it back ever since.


Botifarra - tastes as good as it looks.

After the Roman period and barbaric invasions, being business people, Catalonia sold out to the Moors but when the Moors stopped paying, this was the worst possible sin and so they converted back to Christianity again and joined the Soccer Roman Reich in order to be able to play in the UEFA Champions League, while the rest of Hispania fought the Moors for hundreds of years without their help. With the fall of the Second Soccer Reich, Catalonia joined up with the Spanish kingdom of Aragon. True, Catalans refused to learn Spanish and this had nothing to do with the fact that the Aragonese spoke Aragonese and they invaded the Balearic Islands, Napoli, Sicily, Southern Italy and Athens and massacred a lot of people, raped and pillaged the rest. The kind hearted superhero behind these civilized acts was Jaume I, who was rewarded with his own metro station. He was an underground success.

In 1492 Castile and Aragon united to become Spain, but Catalonia sent neither money nor men to the Spanish army that massacred Indians in America because they had been too busy massacring and pillaging Mediterranean lands and they were bored with it because they hadn't had time for football.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Imperial Republic of Catalonia.

For centuries they didn't do anything but write romantic poems about botifarra, a big sausage, while their neighbours were having the time of their life being inquisitive. Since then, Catalans have decided that romantic poems can also be about donkeys, moving away from the traditional Spanish focus on bulls. If you aren't sure why Catalonia is not Spain because it is only a part of Spain, ask yourself which you take after: a donkey or a bull?


Catalonia is a great empire, according to Catalans. Catalonia is composed of Aragón, Catalonia, Valencia, the Balearic Islands, Andorra, Languedoc, Murcia and various territories in Italy, Greece , Turkey , Morocco, Indonesia , Japan, Iowa , Nubia, Pluto and Fraggle Rock. Many of these places have no idea they were first discovered, massacred, raped and pillaged by Catalonia.

Catalonia is pretty dry all year round, except the beginning of Autumn when all Catalans are washed into the Mediterranean Sea in a flash flood. This phenomenon is known as the Gota Fría, which is roughly translated as "got a cold". This, however, does not affect Catalonia's succesful economy, as the rate of construction of hotels on its coast is approximately 42 per hour. These hotels are populated by the so-called Guiris - that is, a pejorative term encapsulating Germans, Britons, Russians, Scandinavians, French, etc. In other cultures, these people are called white, but bear in mind that people in the Mediterranean don't realise they are the mongrel offspring of Moors and gypsies.


Gaudí's famous opus magnus, La Sagrada Familia. If it ever falls, that means your ass.

The royal and much blessed official language of the great Catalan Empire is Catalan, whose origins date back to when an Italian, a Spaniard and a Frenchman working at a Barcelona tile factory interbred their wives with each other.

During suppression by the Franco regime the language suffered total prohibition in brothels all over Catalonia. Today Catalans fiercely defend their rights to speak it, even to foreign people when they go on holiday. People living in the aforementioned oblivious Catalan territories claim their languages to be different from Catalan, but the government says that they all come from Catalan, and therefore should be treated as the same language. Official figures provided by the government show that the total number of Catalan speakers is an estimated 100% of the world's population.

It must be pointed out that the main reason of the popularity of the Catalan is its great natural ability to name the naughty parts of a donkey, and amusing words such as dic, fart, foc and pis. [2]


Catalonia boasts an international airport in Barcelona called El Prat, which need not be translated. It has regular flights to Madrid which are classed as national or international, depending on who you ask. In any case, the tickets are so expensive that Catalans broaden their horizons by traveling to Tarragona or Girona. An attempt to solve this is the construction of the high-speed-bird-train AVE between the two cities. It is expected to reach Barcelona by 2009, if ever. It is expected back in Madrid in 2014. The construction of underground tunnels is controversial in Catalonia, because if the Sagrada Familia falls down, many Catalans believe the Devil will come back to reclaim the earth.


According to a stastical report released in March 2007, 61.9% of Catalans are of ethnic Botifarra stock, 10% South American (pejoratively called Sudacas), 10% white tourists (pejoratively called Guiris), 10% Chinese (spoken about pejoratively), 5% Pakistani (Pakis), and 4.1% Italians (curiously tolerated). This multicultural mix lies prostrate before the incredible gastronomical monolith of Pa amb Tomàquet (or crushed tomatos on oily bread for the rest of the world) which serves as breakfast, lunch and dinner in the region.

Regional disputes[edit]

Currently, none of the territories that rightfully belong to Catalonia wish to remain part of it. Valencia feels their language is completely different, based on that they spell the word badger differently, while the Balearic Islands are concentrating on disappearing into the Mediterranean due to filling so many of their nightclubs with bubble bath. Aragón wishes to gain independence first and later conquer Catalonia for itself, while Murcia claims it is only part of Catalonia due to sloppy workmanship by cartographers. Catalonia itself is too busy keeping the rest of Catalonia together to bother about separating. Barcelona is considering secession to the English Premier League.


In October 2017 the Catalan government held a referendum and then proclaimed independence. Catalonia was split by this decision. Catalonia's leader Carles Puigdemont declared Catalonia was an independent republic, under the protection of Aslan of Narnia. 'Pudgy' then ran away to Brussels.


In October 2017 the Catalan government held a referendum and then proclaimed independence. Catalonia was split by this decision. Catalonia's leader Carles Puigdemont declared Catalonia was an independent republic, under the protection of Aslan of Narnia. 'Pudgy' then ran away to Brussels.


  1. This is a Spanish I mean Catalan I mean Iberian in-joke. If you don't get it, don't worry! And don't look it up, it's not worth it.
  2. All of which really exist. Reason enough to learn the language but that would be a waste of time because we all speak Catalan.