The cello (also known as the really big violin, the big viola, and the small bass) is an amazing and almost unmatched musical instrument, that is comprised of wood, metal, glue, and horse hair (if you count the bow). Anybody who plays the cello is an intelligent person who has marvelous taste, and is commonly known as a "cellist" (if you want to annoy a cellist, call them a "cello-ist"). Not everyone can play the cello, as it takes a great amount of effort and practice to master such regale pieces of wood. Cellists are usually started-off in the 5th or 6th grades, and are usually good-looking and at the top of their classes. They start like all musicians, with many squeaks and not the best sound, but if they have a good teacher, that usually changes by the first few years. In other words: it never changes.
The cello is played by bowing the elegant bow across the strings. Sometimes, a choir of angels will join in with the cellist. Making the world a better place.
What a cello is not
Cellos are not giant violins - so don't tuck it under your chin (step one in your instruction PDF on the CD that you can find inside the case). It is not a greeting in Italian or a classical coffee. Not those tantalizing f-holes, the strokable neck, or its shapely body. Or the fact that it is often only played with a G-string (and a D-string, and an A-string, and a C-string). Absolutely none of this matters. Remember, the cello is to be enjoyed, but not in that way. Of course, if you only bought a cello to add to your collection of sex toys then we play a different ball game.
Now treat your cello with real love and not that sweaty confection you were just then watching on your phone. They need to be coaxed and cooed to, so that the rich sounds within can be brought forward. You will be all over a quiver as the sound strikes out somewhere where your heart is. More effective than a bass, and it's sure a lot more portable. It's hard to look cool when you are huffing and puffing from carrying around something bigger than you are. Luckily for cellists, the majority of us have wheels on our cases. (The cello really isn't ridiculously heavy anyways.)
Cellos are not cheap. DO NOT BREAK, MUTILATE, MOLEST, ABUSE, STRIKE, MISTREAT, THROW, DROP, OR TRIP OVER A CELLO. You ARE obligated to pay for the damages with your soul/firstborn child/shit-ton of money. So you've been warned.
The difference between cello and Jell-O
When reading about the cello, there is often confusion about whether the author is referring to the instrument as a whole, or the gelatinous substance commonly known as Jell-O. This confusion is quickly subsided once the reader realizes that the cello is not edible, and you cannot use Jell-O for anything useful.
Make friends with the cellists. They will always have your back, and be amazing friends. Don't EVER hurt a cello. Karma's a bitch, and musical hell isn't very fun. Always be respectful towards the cellist and their cello.
Reasons to choose the cello over the other instruments
- It is the only orchestral string instrument that always gets to sit down. Even during solos. And cellists are at the front of the stage unlike the violists.
- You will gain the respect of the entire orchestra, and adoring fans will follow you around.
- You can jack off or text behind your cello and the conductor/instructor is none the wiser.
- It's pretty much the most natural instrument to play because the pitches are the right amount of space apart, and your instrument doesn't totally crush you while you're playing it.
- You can use your cello case to store much bigger weapons than violinists. Sure, those violinists can hide a Chicago Typewriter in theirs, but cellists can fit an entire rocket launcher in their cases.
- You're pretty much the star of the concert no matter what dynamic you're supposed to be playing.
- People compliment you on your strength for playing and carrying around such a large instrument (the whole frakking instrument weights about 10 pounds...)
- The cello is the only instrument that can actually create wine gums and pieces of rainbow if it is played skilfully enough.
- You can use the cello as a weapon and/or trash spear, due to its nicely sharpened retractable steel or carbon fiber endpin. This is another reason why you should be good friends with all the cellists you know.
Reasons to choose other instruments over the cello
- There is no temptation to take over the orchestra if you don't have a giant wooden block between your legs, because you know you'd never have the chops to.
- Cellos are expensive as hell, but totally worth it. (Even Yoyo Ma can't afford his cello. He borrows it some from rich collector guy. He a bad, bad man.)
- You will never have to worry about having adoring fans getting to close to you.
- You will not be called an "orchdork". Not that that's a bad thing.
- You can actually learn how to read and play actually melodic music. Unless, of course, you play the viola.
- You don't need to carry that bulky-ass case around, thus decreasing the chances of you getting beat up by someone cooler than you.
- You won't look as lame playing the drums as you would the cello. Wait. . . .
- If you play any other instrument, you have to pay people to be your friends. But all of them will keep begging you to play cello.
- Your taste in music improves exponentially. Most of the time. Some of the time. Rarely.
- Your coolness level increases by less than .01X.
- You are able to shamefully tell others what instrument you play.
- There is a slight possibility that you will become a successful musician.
- The orchestra will never have to depend on your amazing playing skills.
- Your mom can actually be proud of you, for once.
- You might have a change to sound decent playing whatever instrument you decided, instead of the cello.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by cello recitals.
Q: Why were the cellists waiting outside of the house? A: Because they couldn't find the key and they didn't know when to come in.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the cello recital.
Q: How do you make a jiggler play fortississimo? A: Write pp espressivo.
Cello: $200,000 Bow: $8000 Case: $2,000 Popping your G-String in the middle of your cello solo: Priceless
As you can see, jigglers are the highest species of musician in the orchestral kingdom. You can see this, because no one can even come up with funny jokes about them. They're THAT awesome. Out of the orchestra, the violinist is probably the most elegant, and the violist is the funniest. Bass is totally NOT the way to go. They're awesome people, but that instrument...
More fun facts
- Playing a rapid musical piece on the cello is known as "Jaw-droppin'" Because you WILL NOT be able to keep your jaw shut as soon as a cellist starts playing sixteenth notes over 105. They're THAT amazing.
- Cellists are elegant, polite, and ultimately know how to have fun.
- J.S. Bach thought the cello was so magnificent, he wrote it countless solo pieces, as well as excellent parts in chamber and orchestral ensembles.
- Cellists can always tune their cellos to perfection in a timely manner. They always are the best in tune out of the string instruments.
- Cellists are always able play off beat and mess up the harmony. But they never do. In fact, cellists keep the strings rhythmically aligned, and mostly in tune.
- 4 out of 5 random everyday people will say that cello is their favorite stringed instrument. Cellos have calmed moods for centuries with their chocolaty tones and velvety sound.
- The cello is known for being the greatest invention since the beginning of time. Cellists are also known to be superior in every way to normal people, and are more than ten times cooler than everybody else in the orchestra.
- Did I mention that everybody should attempt to be friends with cellists?
- Yoyo Man - Most famous for being one of the few left handed jigglers.
- Bill Cosby - Also an air guitar virtuoso (See Bright Red Paper).
- Lobster Jesus - Developed a special cello so he could play with his claws.
- Will Smith - King of "Gettin' jiggly wid it".
- Doug Jenkins - Not really notable accept for the fact that he replaced Lobster Jesus in Bright Red Paper.
- Pueblo Castles - Most notable for his bald head and lifelong struggle to find a successful way to perform the Bach suites (which he has, alas, never succeeded. BAAAAAAAAAAW).
- Eicca Toppinen - Probably the coolest cellist of all time, due to his Finnish heritage; long, flowing blond hair, Scandinavian features, and his tendency to headbang while playing heavy metal songs.
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