Chris de Burgh
“Oh God, not that bloody song again!”
“The monobrowed, nanny-shagging tossmonger who's inflicted his sentimental mewlings upon a reluctant nation!”
“I'd listen to his music, but he just looks so slimy!”
“Well, I like him!”
Chris de Burgh (born Christopher Tossmonger de Hindenburgh, 20 March 1927) is a Christian. His claims to fame include musicianship, Lady in Red, Princess Diana's friendship and having healing hands like Jesus. He is regularly seen being just 4ft 7in tall on numerous Christian television programs and is known primarily today as "That bloke what Bill Bailey takes the piss out of".
Chris de Burgh began his life in the 1920's proclaiming the word of God to his fellow school friends, forcibly trying to convert them to the ways of Jesus Christ. To those who did not accept Jesus into their lives he systematically played the piano whilst singing about ladies who needed their tampon changing. It was from this spark that Chris got his inspiration for his most famous song, "Lady in Red Panties". Soon he built enough followers to create his own Christian sect, known as the Burghians. They took over the school and converted the boy's toilets into a chapel as, "no decent Christian would ever need to use the lavatory."
The Second Coming
Chris de Burgh regularly proclaimed himself as a miracle worker, healing several cripples with a selection of hits from his back catalogue. He stressed, however, that he was not actually Jesus himself which was good as otherwise it would have underminded his otherwise believable claims.
Soon Chris was preaching to a converted audience of 25,000 and dedicated web-channel with followers around the globe. However, such power creates destruction, and Chris subsequantly grew a monobrow. Reviled by this act of facial disfiguration, his followers left in droves, instead choosing to worship at the Hairy Chalice of Princess Diana, which is where her huge following originates. A broken man, Chris decided to inflict a massive revenge of evil against the world by becoming a musician.
Music / Lady in Red
To date, Chris de Burgh has releasd 12,659 songs upon the world and yet we've only ever heard one of them (and that's only because some guy decided to do the unthinkable and become MiniBurgh on ITV TV show 'Stars in their Eyes'). Hidden within this single track is the secret to its success as many subliminal, backwards messages have been encoded within the sentimental dribble. If 'Lady in Red' is played backwards you get the following messages...
- "Jesus ordinary, worship me instead."
- "I have healing penises penises."
- "Power of deBurgh, it compells you!"
- "Play backwards, how it's meant to sound, you!"
- "Chrisy doing a poo poo."
- "Hail the Nick Owen."
If, it is said, you listen to 'Lady in Red' 57 times in a row without a break you develop a monobrow and deep, sexual fantasies about nannies.
The Bill Bailey Rivally
The battle against Bill Bailey and Chris de Burgh is legendary, with Chris leading the insult wars by proclaiming that Bill is "A bit ugly with not much hair." Bill's retaliation, calling him a "monobrowed, nanny-shagging tossmonger who's inflicted his sentimental mewlings upon a reluctant nation" was considered 'hilarious but a bit over the top' and as such was placed second. But there is always time for battle to recommence. Chris de Burgh is thought to be in training, reading numerous 'Best Man Speech Jokes' books and hanging out in Scottish pubs to get a first-hand encounter of the champion name-callers in action.
Chris de Burgh died on October 31st, 2037. He was making love to the nanny when he lost control of the plane. It is thought his zombie corpse, when it finally rises, will be almost as repulsive as he is now.