Christian News Network

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The Jesus News


Christian News Network (aka "Churchy News Networks", but spelled as "Churchee Noos Netwurkz" by the news owners on official case documents cause they can't do real English) is a highly questionable mega religious news corp, operated in some secret underground church basement HQ in the United States. Christian News Network's name is copyright infringement against their "libtard" non-religious counterpart, Canada News Network (which is also initialised as CNN).

Christian CNN's Rampant Murkan Nationalism[edit]

Christian News Network, run by professional nationalism-at-all-costs scumbags, always paints a Schrodinger's 50/50 cheerful, rosy portrait of America as some type of freedom port, and the other 50% as a gloomy giant slave camp being ruined by - you guessed it - libruls, jews, gays, Roman Catholics, anybody who isn't protestant Christian in general.

Christian News Network even blames all non-quack doctors, LGBTQ supporters, and all non-religious school teachers for how supposedly screwed up America's youth are. Christian News Network whines about how North Korea is a dark oppressive regime, but deny over 200 U.S. war crimes and the U.S.'s 500+ year history of genocide and torture against indigenous peoples - in their OWN friggin country!

Christian CNN Thinks You're Screwed By Satan If:

  • You're LGBTQ+ or support such rights. CNN will use their team of ECT shock torture "therapists" and conversion "therapy" against you in a dark stinky church basement!
  • You aren't a straight white Christian American. CNN sees anyone who isn't American as an abomination against Supply Side Jesus, the guy that sings songs of praise about the massive American Indian genocide.
  • You don't read the Bibl- oh wait, the editors are probably biblically illiterate churchy morons themselves. Hypocrisy! They'll cherry-pick whatever verses suit their fancy, just like picking chocolate baubles out of trail mix.
  • you don't stash up a tool shed filled with weapons meant for bloody war, or if you DARE tell them that daily mass shootings are caused BY GUNS ALONE.
  • You refuse to blow up third world countries for oil (to fuel CNN's megachurch lamborghinis).
  • You refuse to have buttloads of less-than-bright, lard-licking children hicks or refuse to breed like rabbits.
  • You're vegan, low meat eater or vegetarian. CNN keeps moolah pouring into the hands of the meat, egg and dairy industries like a waterfall. Eek!
  • you eat Un-American things on a regular basis, like veggies (posing a terrorist threat against VeggieTales!)
  • You listen on a regular basis to any music that doesn't mention God, Jesus, Lord, Hallelujah or Amen once every 30 seconds in every song.
  • you believe in anything even slightly related to evolution, the big bang, or in the actual dark history of the United States, or in the actual dark history of Japan (especially both countries' bloody WW2 crimes).
  • You admit to getting any pleasure from sexual activity of any kind, including masturbation. This is because they believe God is ALWAYS watching, even when you are on the toilet or in the shower. Kind of like Santa Claus, but freakier.
  • you dare tell CNN, CBN, or any other pro-Murka religious megacorp that America was founded on very radical, bigoted, violent hellish Puritanism, slavery and ethnic cleansing, or point out that the founding fathers were actually Deists.
  • You refuse to litter the neighborhood with pamphlets threatening the neighbors with Hell if they don't agree with you, pester people on the bus, loiter outside grocery stores, stand on street corners with ugly signs, or knock on doors like a Jehovah's Witness.

Christian CNN's Dangerous Gun Violence Denialism[edit]

Just like many other religious outlets, Christian News Network blames everything but the gun behind the U.S.'s daily mass shootings, and accuses mass shooting survivors of being "crisis actors" made to demonise their true lord and saviour, the NRA.