Clovis

“Au revoir Gaul. Bonjour France!”

~ Clovis

Clovis enjoys his first bath as a Christian.

Clovis (466 – 27 November 511) was the first Frenchman. Think about that. Everything you now associate with France like the can-can, garlic, smelly cigarettes for example. He also didn't speak a word of French but that will be explained later. Clovis was the a grandson of Merovech ('Merry'), considered to be the founder of the Merovingian dynasty. Those familiar with the Legends of Dan Brown will therefore know that Clovis was therefore a direct descendant of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdelene. However Merovech's mother claimed her boy was actually a son of a sea god who had taken sexual advantage of her whilst she was taking a shower.

Background

Clovis or perhaps his father, or his grandfather.

Clovis's grandfather Merovech was the acknowledged King of the Franks, a Germanic speaking tribe who were at this time living in what is now Belgium alongside the Roman Empire's River Rhine border. The Franks were (by Roman standards) a semi-civilised people who liked trading with the Romans and taking up jobs in the imperial army. It's believed it was in such a job that Merovech and his son Childeric the Entertainer took up to enhance their military reputations. However, work dried up as the Western Roman Empire began to come apart in the 460s. Merovech would die around at this time. He left his trinkets and trousers to his son Childeric, Clovis's dad. And there, in what is Belgium, the Franks remained for now. They were not alone. By the way, these Franks spoke German with a strong accent. There were other Germanic tribes living next door or across the river like the Frisians, Jutes and Saxons. Some of these headed over to Britain where the plunder was easier. Childeric stayed where he was. He seemed to like living in Flanders, even if the rivers constantly flooded and the area was damp and bad for those with breathing difficulties. It was in this soggy world that Clovis was born into in 466.

If the Franks were very small Belgian beer, other Germanic tribes were tearing the Roman world into bite size morsels. The Visigoths were in Spain and the Vandals had a strong grip on North Africa. The Franks seemed content to gorge on chocolates. They had gained a reputation as misers and hoarders but no one expected a lot from them. Then Childeric died after swallowing a suspicious bon-bon. Clovis became King of the Franks with a show of swords and symbolically broke his only Roman vase as a sign he wanted more of the same. The Franks would be going places. Maybe.

Gaul into France

'Sorry, my sword just slipped'.

Clovis became king in 481. The last recognised Roman emperor in the west Julius Nepos had died the previous year from an untreatable assassination. There was still an emperor in the Eastern Roman Empire in the shape of Zeno who claimed sole ruling rights in the west but made no military effort to reconquer the lost lands. In Northern Gaul there was a territory ruled by a Roman general called Syagrius. He had long broken with the official Western Roman Empire but was proud to call himself a Roman, a 'Dux DeLuxe' no less. Syagrius's territory lay between Clovis and the Visigothic kingdom. For Clovis this seemed to be an ideal way to spread his rule south. He was sick of Belgium and his Germanic neighbours. The Franks (in his opinion) deserved better.

The conflict with Syagrius started in around 486. Clovis claimed the Roman general was going to invade him first and so encouraged other Franks who were not part of his domain to join in the war. In that Clovis was successful. Syagrius was defeated in battle and fled to the Visigoths. Their King Alaric II was tempted to support Syagrius but at the last moment betrayed Syagrius and gave him up to Clovis. Considering the size of the Visigothic kingdom at this time (2/3 of France and most of Spain), it was a surprising decision by Alaric. Had the Franks spooked the Goths somehow? Clovis took charge of his prisoner and after the usual taunts and put downs, had Syagrius executed. Clovis was now the ruler of enlarged territory. It was time for old Gaul to become France.

Since no one could be bothered to write down Frankish or speak it much, it's likely Clovis and co. quicky adapted to their new homeland and picked up a smattering of coarse Latin to create their own amalgamation (and since English has plenty of French loan words too, that language too). This would later become French as such and the cultural baggage that went with it. Since the Franks were now in control of Northern Gaul, the name of the land changed to 'Frankreich', the domain of the Franks.

Baptism

King Clovis and Queen Clotilde looking suitably relaxed.

Clovis's conquests and resultant share out of various land goodies to family and friends left out one important institution. The Christian church. The Franks were strict tree worshippers and the followers of Woden. Local Christians were allowed to keep on going to church and there was no systematic suppression of them as such but looting and pillaging were ok. This lead to some cities that had been part of Syagrius's realm to hold out longer from pagan control. These included Paris which regarded Clovis as little better than a skin-wearing heathen. The local Parisians had refused Attila the Hun board and lodging 40 years earlier but were eventually worn down and let Clovis in if he put on some decent and stylish clothes. Clovis obliged.

It was around this time that Clovis considered it was time to be a Christian for political reasons. The question was, what type? The nearby Visigoths, Burgundians to the south and the newly conquering Ostrogoths who had just taken Italy were all Arian Christians, a theological policy that said Jesus was inferior to God but higher than dogs. Something like that. A denial of the Trinity in otherwords. The powerful King of the Ostrogoths Theodoric the Great heard of Clovis's enquiries and suggested the Frankish king convert to the Arian brand. Clovis agreed and threw in his sister Audofleda as part of the deal. She was baptised by an Arian-supporting bishop and was sent to Italy to marry Theodoric. Clovis in the meantime married Clotilde of Burgundy, daughter of a king there. She happenened to be a Catholic Christian but since Clovis was very hazy about the differences between one Christian outfit from another, the marriage went ahead. It was done in the traditional pagan Frankish way of heavy drinking and breaking the furniture. The couple soon had children but Clotilde insisted they should all be also baptised as Catholics.

The final push for his own baptism came on the eve of a battle in 496. Following the example of emperor Constantine the Great when he promised to become a Christian if he beat a rival, Clovis did the same against an army of Germans who invaded his lands. It was a great victory and Clovis went ahead and got the Holy Dunk — Catholic style. This involved him stripping naked in front of everyone and jumping into the baptismal font.

Showdown with the Visigoths

Alaric and Clovis: The Final Showdown

For the next few years Clovis got involved in a civil war in Burgundy and a bit of a fight with the refugee Britons who had fled to Brittany to get away from the Anglo-Saxons. These Britons or 'Bretons' had made themselves at home earlier and didn't see themselves as part of Clovis's new state. So they stayed out. Clovis decided not to press the issue and instead turned his sword in the direction of the Visigoths. To the Catholics this was a kingdom of heretic Christians. Worse than any pagans!

Clovis was encouraged to engage in a conflict with them by his allies, the Catholic Church and the newish Eastern Roman emperor Anastasius I. Clovis was a bit reluctant at first. His brother-in-law was Theodoric and he could intervene in solidarity with the Visigoths. Strangley, Alaric II of the Visigoths had tried to maintain peace with the Franks. He hadn't taken advantage of any of Clovis's difficulties, preferring to remain on the sidelines. There had been skirmishes in the 490s along the border and at one stage Clovis had supported a rebel leader in South West France against the Visigoths.

Finally in 507 Clovis invaded the Visigothic kingdom on some bogus-like Crusade to fight Alaric. The two armies met. In the clash of arms Clovis hunted for his rival on the battlefield, finally cornering Alaric and killing him on the spot. This broke the Visigoths. Their cousins the Ostrogoths did get involved in the war but were too late to save the Visigoths losing most of France. Clovis now felt like a true king. Emperor Anastasius in Constantinople gave him the honorific title of 'Ford Consul' for defeating Alaric, an upgrade to a Ford Escort. It came with a purple toga and electric flashing sandals.

Death

Clovis died in 511. Though he is considered to be the 'father of France', Clovis split up his lands between four sons . Since all of them claimed a crown, France was split into rival kingdoms. Relations between them were the usual mixture of diplomacy, war and murder between families. This would be a tradition that would be carried on by later French royal dynasties and beyond.

As for Clovis's body it was buried in a church in Paris. But when the original building was demolished in the early 19th century, CLovis's tomb couldn't be located. A substitute pile of bones were reburied in the Basilica of Saint-Denis, the home of previous royal French burials. A packet of French cigarettes were thrown in to add to the authenticity.