Committee of Letters
The Committee of Letters (C.O.L.) is an international association of linguists, scholars, wordologists, and letterologists dedicated to the preservation of English letters and characters. The group spans many English-speaking countries, including United States of America, Utah, Narnia, and Pluto. Among the tasks C.O.L. carries out are: searching the Seven Seas for prehistoric letters, passing bills to add or remove letters, and enforcing the proper use of letters.
History[edit]
The Committee of Letters was first founded in 1344 by the mysterious Order of The Comma in The Middle of Nowhere, though at the time it was called Ye Olde Committeth of Lettereth. Though all achievements of the organization started with the passing of the comma (,) as the official 14th letter of the English language, it soon grew into a national craze, spawning requests from bazillions of people across the nation to include countless symbols as official letters. Some were met with skepticism and distrust, such as x, ?, and even 6. Among the rejected requests included: ~, *, monkey, and that weird thing that looks like an a glued to an e.
For this reason, many people feared the C.O.L., claiming that if they were not stopped, they would soon be telling the masses what to eat, wear, and huff. In response, new rebel organisations sprung around the country, such as the infamous "Asterisk Angels" and the "lower case lions". These new and violent groups were thought of as terrorists bent on eliminating cherished letters from the public's beloved alphabet, and many were stopped in abusive COPS-style sting operations in just a few weeks of their formation.
Now in modern times, the Committee of Letters is largely accepted by the public, even though most of its members are illegal Norwegian immigrants. Yet, since 1344, the C.O.L. has been able to erase 64 obsolete letters and add 270 new ones to the English language, all while retaining their likeable, family-friendly image with letters like "baby Q" and the massively popular 7.
Departments[edit]
The C.O.L. has headquarters in Beruna, Narnia, The Center of the Universe, and the Crabs Nebula with scattered chapters throughout the 3rd and 5th dimensions, making them one of the largest official letter-passing organisations anywhere. The Committee also has several departments specialized in handling particular issues concerning letters and letter enforcement.
- Department of Letter Security passes laws to protect and govern the use of letters, particularly those who wish to abuse certain letters such as lol, &, and 34.
- The Department of Letter Exchange monitors the buying, selling, and trading of letters between languages and nations. Recently endured frequent criticism for its selling of the letter 4 to the Chinese, though they did obtain their symbol for "old man who sleeps in a double-wide and watches young men rough-house through a keyhole".
- Department for the Deletion of Archaic and Obsolete Letters passes requests for the immediate removal of certain letters which are no longer usable or popular enough to remain a part of the English language, such as second parenthesis ()) (who needs that anymore?...
- Department for the Retrieval and Restoration of Prehistoric Runes recently changed their name to Department for the Retrieval and Restoration of Ancient Letters due to allegations of "rune" being a derogatory and extremely prejudice term. The Department specializes in funding missions to remote locations such as the Amazon, Indonesia, and Omaha, Nebraska to uncover prehistoric letters that might make good candidates for annexation into English.
- Department of Pluralization recognizes certain letters as the official plural form of others, such as "@" is the plural of "!"
- Department of Letter Enforcement enforces laws protecting letters from criminals, terrorist organisations, kittens, and other letters. Perhaps the most controversial department, gathering recent criticisms for its officers' "violent and unnecessary manners through which they punish letter-violaters", which has included beating the accused person(s), racially profiling suspicious letters, and the general corruption of its higher officials.
- Department of Military Enforcement is often blamed for treating the Committee of Letters as an independent nation with its military capabilities. Though in the past, the department has shown to be of great use, particularly during the Lesser-than-Greater-than Wars of 1986 through 1989.
Notable Accomplishments[edit]
| Letter | Action | Year |
|---|---|---|
| æ | Removal | 1390 |
| % | Removal | 1401 |
| ? | Bought from Canada | 1402 |
| lowercase Q | quickly quarried by quincy the quail-hunter | 1463 |
| 3 | Annexation | 1487 |
| ' | Made "Letter of the Century" for the new century | 1500 |
| @ | Pluralized from "!" | 1503 |
| {, } | Sold to Canada | 1611 |
| $ | thrown away | 1616 |
| & | Discovered in Mayan ruins | 1665 |
| J | Annexation | 1698 |
| + | Added when math was discovered | 1770 |
| why | made an individual letter | 1772 |
| capital O | removed | 1780 |
| www. | found in Atlantis; useless at the time | 1800 |
| $ | found in Crabs Nebula by Shaolin monks | 1840 |
| $ | bought from Shaolin monks | 1840 |
| S, I | separated individually from $ | 1841 |
| baby Q | added due to demands for cuter letters | 1878 |
| # | sold to Swedish researchers | 1910 |
| www. | sold to Canada due to uselessness | 1926 |
| # | returned to C.O.L. from Sweden | 1926 |
| bee's knees | Annexation | 1949 |
| ? | removed...or was it? | 1954 |
| monkey | Annexation | 1970 |
| D | won from Sweden (or should we say Sween?) | 1989 |
| www. | bought from Canada | 1995 |
| lol | Annexation | 2000 |
| å | Damn Swedes tricked us into buying this useless shite | 2001 |
| P.I.M.P | bought from 50 Cent for 50 cents | 2002 |
| ... | being discussed with Nigerian government | 2006-? |