Coronavirus

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Coronavirus looks like a mutant M&M, but is surely not as tasty and there are no sought-after blue ones.

Coronavirus (or COVID-19, or just COVID or Corona[1]) is the latest pandemic illness that is scheduled to wipe out humanity and then some. It is regarded as an immediate danger by medical updates on the authoritative Twitter resource.

Like German Measles (Stalag-17), the Mexican Runs (Montezuma's Revenge), and Spanish Flu (Cowards' Sniffles), coronavirus has been given a nationality and a passport under the name of Chinese Flu; it is also called the Wuhan Whuzzup!? Coronavirus has made everyone wish they hadn't skipped biology class. The little blighters now span the world; on all the (cruise) ships at sea, they have bagged all the best cabins and are splashing around in the swimming pools.[2]

Origins[edit]

♫ Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-19. ♫

Coronavirus originated in WuHan, China's centre of unsanitary meat markets and Bubonic Plague research. The official theory is that the illness was passed by Chinese bat soup, or maybe the cutesy pangolin pie, and entered the human food chain. Another theory is that it is a viral weapon that will destroy the enemy faster than fifth-generation telephones. Whether launched by China, America, or Russia is open to debate and litigation.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Coronavirus.

It was identified as a member of the not-so-cutesy Corona virus family, a bunch of guests you would invite to a party thrown for your mortal enemies. People think there are 18 other coronavirus strains, just like Heinz with its pointless 57 varieties of baked beans. In fact, the number 19 just refers to the year 2019, when this little bastard was first identified, tagged, photographed, and then caged for deportation. It works like other viruses, by lying on a surface until picked up by a passing ape pushing a trolley full of toilet paper rolls. The infected person then either lives (about 95% do) or dies (3% draw the short straw) or isn't sure if they are alive or dead to accept the consequences (2% pointed-fence-sitters). Handsies and smoochers are most at risk to catch the virus,[3] though the data from Iran (where the most smoochable always walk ten paces behind you but the entire Politburo is wheezing) suggests something else.

Having coronavirus isn't pleasant. People report that in the fevered state, all they can hear is Paul Hardcastle's song "19." Some have fictional flashbacks to Sylvester Stallone winning the Vietnam War. Older sufferers may prefer the Rolling Stones' "19th Nervous Breakdown" or CCR's "Fortunate Son (It Ain't Me)" pounding inside their heads.

Symptoms[edit]

Coronavirus (lime-green, top, with the punk look) and associates.

Coronavirus behaves like a Boa constrictor. It wraps its invisible coils around you, making it very difficult to breathe. You will also feel both flushed and elated at the same time, before sinking to the ground in exhaustion. Then coronavirus will let its many bacterial and viral friends finish you off. Normally, you should be able to survive if you have gym-ready antibodies. If you don't, then make sure you have your credit card ready at the pearly gates.

So far the virus is acting like any other pathological pathogen out there: it doesn't care who you are and whether you can do a favour in the future. Coronavirus is a nihilist; it can cross mountains and oceans and strike without mercy.

Coronavirus has a unique attribute that is baffling the medical community. A great many of its victims are in their 80s and 90s, some already suffering acute respiratory failure and exhaustion from carrying around an iron lung. Internists have never encountered such a case of sudden-onset aging (outside of Star Trek) and do not know how the virus achieves this effect — nor how to reverse it, outside of watching reruns of the show.

Coronavirus spot check[edit]

Hot Spots

A hot spot to get the virus and drunk at the same time

Cold Spots

'May hell freeze over Bernie!'
Awww!

Soft Spots

Spots

  • Measles

International response[edit]

The British Beefy Boys, waiting for their herd test.

First it was indifference ("What can you expect from a socialised country?"). This was followed by curiosity ("They can build a hospital in a week??"). Then, when the first Europeans started to catch it... absolute panic. What looked no bigger than a gnat's fart in December 2019 was closing down the world by March 2020.

Countries quickly adopted different methods of dealing with the virus. Some went for hose-down, full disinfection and testing. In Britain, Prime Minister Boris Johnson took the opportunity to try out his Winston Churchill impersonation. He talked of coronavirus as if it were 1940 and the Nazis (now named the European Union) were just across the English Channel. His experts said they were hoping 60% of the population would get it to build up a "herd immunity"... except, there was no vaccine and other experts (not paid by the government) said this was good ol' bollocks. By March, they were reversing track and following other countries, albeit... very slowly.

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In the United States, the response was different again. President Donald Trump was told it was just another attempt to take him down by an alliance of Democratic Party, China, George Soros, and Greta Thunberg. So Trump chose "It's a hoax" and went for the ostrich approach. Nothing was done except to ban Chinese tourists from entering the country. Blame was targeted at Barack Obama and Joe Biden. After that, the president expected to watch his favourite sports of golf, Playboy bunnies mud-wrestling, and listening to his doctor telling him he was immortal.

Outlook[edit]

At least you can get a drink on the Mexican side of the wall now.

For coronavirus, the outlook couldn't be better. No one loves it, but everyone knows its name, giving it a status comparable to David Hasselhoff. It cannot be bombed, bullied, or starved into submission.

Nor the makers of Corona beer. They have a massive stock of unsold beer, as it is widely thought to be the cause of coronavirus and 38% of Americans say they wouldn't buy Corona "under any circumstances" because of the outbreak, but the cases could be stacked to form a wall between the USA and Mexico, where the beer is brewed. Trump always said the Mexicans were going to pay for it.

References[edit]

  1. Nomenclature hasn't been agreed on. Using the wrong term can incite fisticuffs faster than trying to snag the last roll of toilet paper at the supermarket.
  2. Bacteria are booking right now.
  3. This fact officially killed off romance faster than California's written contract before wet kisses.
  4. Because God has a dark sense of humour
  5. Evidence required
  6. May be dead
Tuberculosis Mycobacterium.jpg
Diseases, Infections, Sicknesses, etc.

Acne · ADD · ADHD · AIDS · Alien Experiment Rabies · Alzheimer's Disease · Amnesia · Anorexia · Asiananation · Asshole Personality Disorder · Avian Flu · Bezoar stones · Bieber Fever · Black Death · Blondi · Boredom · Bubonic Plague · Bullshit · Cancer · Canoepolio · Cerebral Islamsy · Chocolate Touch · Cholera · Chronic sneezing · Cock In Mouth Disease · Coronavirus · Cyclic vomiting syndrome · Dandruff · Death · Decapitation Disease · Déjà vu · Demon Fever · Diabetus · Diarrhea · Disenchantment · Disney Magic · Disco panic disease · Dog Flu · Down syndrome · Ebola · Exploding Eye Syndrome · Fatass disease · FMD · Ferrero Rocher Syndrome · Food addiction · Get Some Sick · Ghetto White Boy Syndrome · Ginger disease · Gingervitis · Giraffe Cancer · Gnome syndrome · Going Green Disease · Greed · Hannah Montana-Miley Cyrus Syndrome · Heartbreak of Psoriasis · Herpes · HIV · Hydrocephalus · Imaginary disease · Jell-O Fever · Lepracy · Loneliness · Lysdexia · Malaria · Mad Cat Disease · Man Flu · March Madness · Melenoma · Neurotypical syndrome · Ocular Gonorrhea · Optimisim · Orgasthma · Pac-man Fever · Parkersons syndrome · Pedicornwallification · Phells Disease · Pixellated Brain Disease · Pixellated Face Disease · Post-masturbatory depression · Rabies · Red eye · Retardation · SARS · Scabies · Scarlet fever · Secret STDs · Semicolon Cancer · Sexual frustration · Skin failure · Sleep deprivation · Solanum · Swine Flu · Synthitar · The Disease · Tiny Penis Syndrome · Tourettes · Tuberculosis · Userboxitis · Vaginitis · Virginity · Visiobibliophobia · Vitiligo · Wheelchair of the legs · Yellow fever