Crying and Wanking

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The Film Cover Image for 2009's "Glenn Beck Goes it Alone"

Crying and Wanking, also known as Lacrimating and Masturbating is defined as the act of shedding tears and emitting loud, audible wailing noises whilst furiously stimulating one's genitals to the point of orgasm with all the fervour and tenacity of a rampant caged Bonobo - either with or without sexual aids (not to be confused with sexual AIDS).

This particular phenomenon is generally only observed in Humans and predominantly males, especially those who have recently ended a relationship, marriage or death of their sexual partner; Early work by Sigmund Freud on this particular phenomenon revealed an almost Bell-curve like distribution of individuals observed engaging in this act; peaking at around middle age (30s to 40s) although there was nonetheless significant proportions of both the younger and older generations found to also have admitted to Crying and Wanking.


Did you know...
in some cultures the practice is known as a "tear jerker"?

Crying and Wanking was largely unheard of until the late 19th Century when Freud published his early work entitled Studien über Hysterie (Studies on Hysteria) - however, only a brief discussion of the phenomenon was presented and was stated by Freud that he believed it to be a form of Hysteria; a claim which he would later revise in favour of the now generally-accepted belief that Crying and Wanking is a de facto mental condition resulting from a range of different physical and environmental factors. Nonetheless, this seminal albeit basic work would later prompt Alfred Kinsey to greatly expand on Freud's work. It was thus with the publication of Drei Abhandlungen zur Sexualtheorie (Three Essays on Sexual Theory) in 1905 that the condition was brought to the attention of the wider psychiatric community, providing a detailed description of the phenomenon along with incidence samples and observed variations in how the act was carried out. This work was met with great acclaim and only minor criticisms of Freud's overall methodology which was deemed "somewhat flawed" primarily due to not providing detailed information on participants - something which Kinsey would later rectify.

Thus, it was with the publication of the Kinsey Reports in 1948 that the precise nature and causes of the condition was revealed; Kinsey showed that individuals were found to be most likely to engage in Crying and Wanking as a result of the termination of a relationship, bearing a direct correlation to the length the relationship lasted. However, more poignantly, it was demonstrated that other factors, especially obesity, low self-esteem, poor sexual performance and unattractiveness combined with an overall low number of relationships were found to significantly increase the incidence such that by weighting for these factors, it was in-fact possible to produce a uniform bell-curve distribution for the condition. Of most note however, was that this particular statistical adjustment only had a significant effect when sampling males; no such trend emerged among the (admittedly low) figures of females - and the primary theory on this is the belief that females are simply far less likely to engage in the act or be caught (since the bulk of the statistics were compiled by querying people in apartment blocks and dormitories).

It was postulated by both Freud and Kinsey that this condition was a result of a fetish whereby crying induced arousal in the individual; however, this was in fact contra-indicated in most participants when the sound or hidden-camera film of either themselves or a third party crying and wanking was played back to them with researchers typically noting mild to no arousal. It was observed however that exposing participants to footage of themselves engaging in the act universally increased the incidence of sudden attempted suicide, even in cases where there was no prior history for such behaviour in the individual or their family; thus this is typically no longer recommended.


American Politician John Boehner (the phonetic pronunciation of his name is a colloquial term for an erection of the male reproductive organ) is the first person to be publicly witnessed crying and wanking within the House of Representatives.

Actual techniques of Crying and Wanking are hugely varied; the vast majority of individuals found to Cry and Wank will typically spend as little as 1 to 3 minutes wanking - but as much as 15 to 20 minutes crying, with the onset of lacrimation occuring typically 4 to 5 minutes prior to initiating masturbation and ending as much as 15 minutes after orgasm has occured; very rarely however, individuals may actually engage in chain-wanking.

Tears are Nature's lubrication...

Typically, the participant will begin by gently weeping in a hunched or foetal position for up to 10 minutes which may or may not be accompanied by occasional manipulation of genitalia; in any case, once an erection is achieved the individual will then begin to slowly stroke the shaft of the penis, possibly pausing to cry or spit on their dominant hand for lubrication - these strokes will gradually get faster as the wailing becomes louder with average time taken to reach peak speed and loudness at approximately 90 seconds. Once at this stage, the volume of sobs has been known to sustain at around 85dB until the point of orgasm is reached at which time the waves of involuntary groans caused by ejaculation combine with the wailing to produce a noise anecdotally described by those within earshot as "like a bawling five year old trying to rip-up a cat".

The only singular exception to this technique is in individuals who chain-wank; typically they will orgasm several times at 60 to 90 second intervals, usually via extremely fast movement and a makeshift sexual aid such as a banana-skin. Individuals engaging in this behaviour typically have a compulsion which results in a very noticeable imbalance between the size of the muscles on one arm when compared to the other and is often interpreted as a sign of acute "Kwankers" syndrome.

Unfortunately, no data is available on the female technique despite the best efforts of many psychologists operating in the field of human sexuality.

Accidental Death

Some have accused masturbations aids of increasing the likelihood of The Gush

Lacrimating for extended periods of time can cause dehydration. After mistakenly consuming a whole bottle of Viagra instead of sleeping pills it is generally recommended to seek medical attention instead of trying to masturbationally subdue the erection whilst weeping as a more serious complication can actually arise as a result of doing so.

This complication is informally referred to as "The Gush" and is currently a fatal disease with absolutely no known cure - Although there are around only 50 cases of The Gush annually worldwide, there have been no known survivors of the disease. The symptoms are obvious almost immediately when the subject begins to ejaculate uncontrollably and continuously for a period of more than 5 seconds at which point, death is ensured; the victim is typically given an icepack to apply to the scrotum as well as painkillers, if available.

Ejaculation then continues as body fluids are essentially drained through the penis resulting in semen changing from white, to a light-green to blood red and finally to black, at which point, death usually occurs within 30 seconds as the subject has shrivelled around their skeletal frame to a mere husk. Total time until death is typically 4 hours although some have been able to prolong this to as long as 14 with fluid intake - unfortunately, the rate of absorption never outpaces the rate of loss, even with intravenous administration. Naturally, this has also resulted in a number of fetish films which many politicians have derided as encouraging The Gush in order to satisfy the demand for these "sick" movies, although those in the industry contest that most are in fact faked with CGI and special effects, there are a few known-genuine films such as "Til' Death Do Us Wank" and "Cum Me A River".

History & Society

After the sexual revolutions of the 1960s, and most notably the Summer of Love, tolerance of Crying and Wanking increased markedly which eventually gave way to more prominent voyeuristic fetishes which were exploited by a number of porn studios who sought out actors capable of Crying and Wanking on demand - arguably the most notable of these is the 15-minute "Vintage Porn" film entitled "Glenn Beck Goes it Alone" which was shot after his departure from Fox News by a paparazzi posing as one of Beck's cleaners which ultimately doomed the film to commercial failure but made it an overnight Internet success.

However, such acceptance is not universal as has been observed at numerous public masturbate-a-thons where masturbating individuals who begin to cry were often removed when their wailing had reached the point that it was actually putting off the other participants; in other cases however, silencing headphones were provided before the commencement of the event and very occasionally, exclusive events are arranged whereby individuals actually compete to be awarded for most ejaculations, loudest crying and a grand prize issued for overall style (typically decided by a panel of 3 to 5 judges)

See Also

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