Cyborg

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You're probably internally screamin' "BOO-YAH!" right now from just one look at him.

Cyborg is a character from DC Comics' Justice League franchise. He was introduced in 1980 as the first Black member of the team an' as a way to draw in female readership.

History[edit]

In the comics, Cyborg is described as a high school football star an' promisin' decathlon athlete born an' raised in South Detroit, constantly on the run from horny cheerleaders wantin' to have his babies. Unfortunately, durin' one such occasion, he got into an accident an' almost died. Fortunately, his dad was there to save him by replacin' his injured parts with experimental cybernetic technology, thereby castratin' him. When Cyborg woke up an' saw his new look, he was amazed and couldn't stop thankin' his dad, especially for cuttin' his dick off so he'd never have sex with anyone. However, he still wasn't safe from the sex-crazed cheerleaders, who thought he looked even sexier with his enhancements despite only havin' one human eye. This caused Cyborg to run away an' join the Justice League; he was accepted as the team's technology expert, the youngest member, an' the Token Black Guy. Teenage girls with hormones bought the comics everywhere just so they could ogle Cyborg in his ill-fittin', thigh-high romper an' not care about anythin' else goin' on in the comic.

Cyborg soon developed an obsession with Strawberry Shortcake an' tried to hide it from the rest of his teammates; however, this attempt failed miserably as Black Canary caught him red-handed playin' with his secret stash of the scented dolls. This, combined with his revealin' outfit (meant to be his "cybernetic enhancements") exposin' his pecs, made Cyborg target to jokes about bein' a sissy. However, Cyborg ignored those jokes an' went around winkin' at people complete with gleam or yellin' at them to "BELIEVE" things, which everybody would lissen to him an' believe.

Sometime later, Cyborg went through puberty, which made his voice sound like that of a senior citizen an' not a black teenage boy. He spent this time hangin' with his new friend Firestorm. Cyborg soon decided that since his costume made him look like a male stripper, he should go an' become one. He got a job at a Gotham City strip bar, strippin' for various thirsty women and gays, as well as performin' pole dances an' lap dances. Durin' this time, Cyborg made millions off these sexy-studded shows an' quickly was made available for hire; but most of the time, he stayed stripteasin' at the strip bar, mebbe even goin' into sexual activity with the customers.

After somehow contractin' rampant headlice an' gettin' a short temper as it was makin' him itch, Cyborg was fired from the Justice League until he was cured, quit his strippin' job, lost his hair, mellowed out an' changed his getup; now lookin' 90% machine an' 80% shoulder. Now lookin' like a cancer patient, Cyborg was forced to become unemployed an' get fat, until 2003, when the Teen Titans found him an' added him to their roster. After years of screamin' about waffles an' shootin' a rocket from his shoe, Cyborg decided enough was enough an' quit the team. He got in shape, reducin' his shoulders back to normal, grew his hair back, an' rejoined the Justice League, havin' been cured. He currently spends his days advocatin' Mega Man an' bein' part of the vaporwave community (his producer alias STONE 1980.)

In 2013, Cyborg met his future husband Grid, a sentient cybernetic system designed by a death metal loving teenager. The two plan to get married an' have a nice day someday. Also known about Cyborg nowadays is that he's in a lifelong rivalry with the Black Panther, an emo black kid in a leather jacket. In addition, Cyborg's goin' through another bout of puberty, which's causin' him to grow a slight mustache.

(Addendum: It's rumored that Gal Gadot's character shouted "CHRIST BABY OH GOD PUT IT IN" durin' the first take of the scene in Justice League where she talks to Cyborg, due to the appearance of Cyborg in his sweatshirt turnin' her on greatly. Of course, this line bein' an ad-lib an' thus not in the script, it sadly wasn't included in the final cut released to theaters.)