UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Saturday, April 20, 2024, 11:53:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
2. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
3. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
4. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
5. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
6. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
7. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
8. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
9. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
10. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
11. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
12. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
13. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
14. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
15. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
16. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
17. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
18. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
19. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
20. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
21. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
22. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
23. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
24. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
25. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
26. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
27. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
28. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
29. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
30. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
31. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
32. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
33. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
34. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
35. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
36. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
37. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
38. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
39. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
40. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
41. To cure a tube, is to cure insufficiently
42. To cure a tube, is to cure {{adv})
43. Benito Mussolini is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.