Defense

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Defense is an ancient form of combat. Dating back as far as 2000 BC, the art of defense has been used for thousands of years by pussies in the hopes of preventing others from kicking the crap out of them. Originally, defense was used by the Chinese to prevent those damned Mongols from raping everything within eyesight. Later on, around 500 AD the Chinese once again revolutionized the concept of defense by building an enormous wall along the border to protect their population from illegal immigration. Since then, other countries, such as France, Russia, Israel, and Cuba have attempted to use defense, with mixed results. Nonetheless, defense is a strategy that is now used by nations around the world to protect themselves from being attacked by terrorists, the homeless, werewolves, Eminem, and all the other undesirables.

Not today, Genghis!.

Self Defense[edit]

There are a multitude of methods of self defense which one can used to protect one's self. Most people seek to learn self defense from Asian con artists who claim to be able to teach you a form of self defense known as "karate". However, these scammers are not to be trusted and will charge hundreds of dollars to teach you how to merely look like an anime character while getting your weeb ass beaten. If you pay them enough, eventually, these swindlers will give you a piece of dark fabric that they call a "black belt". Most people buy into these scams because they think the name "black belt" sounds bad-ass. However, contrary to what your sensei says, nobody gives a damn. Some people even fall for this scam more than once, and manage to earn more than one black belt.

Fortunately, there is a multitude of better ways to defend one's self from the hordes of angry drunks, gangsters, minorities, and other would-be attackers. These superior means of self-defense include the following:

  • Open-carrying a personal Firearm
  • A swift kick in the nether region.
  • "Roasting" your would-be attacker
  • Playing dead
  • Running like a scared child
  • Hiring a bodyguard who actually knows karate

National Defense[edit]

Don't trust foreigners? Afraid that somebody is going to attack your defenseless country? Angry that the Arabs are trying to jack up oil prices again? Well, it sounds like you need a good helping of national defense. Fortunately, for a low annual price of $14.99 Billion, the United States government is willing to deliver highly explosive defensive payloads upon the heads of your unsuspecting enemies. However, call now, and President Trump will convince congress to lower the price to on $9.99 Billion! Call now at 1-800-AME-RICA!

Cyber Defense[edit]

Basically a death sentence for your device.

In this modern era, your identity can be at risk through viruses, spyware and Identity Theft. In order to defend yourself from Russian hackers lurking in the dark web, it is important to avoid certain types of websites. Pornography websites are notorious for spreading cyber-STD's onto your devices. However, lesser known threats to your cyber defenses includes actually checking your emails and any web-page opened with Internet Explorer.

Biological Defense[edit]

A depiction of peasants attempting to cure a man of the Bubonic Plague. Such means were a ruthless, yet effective cure for most diseases.

The current model of Human is equipped with a second-rate immune system which isn't even capable of preventing even the most trivial diseases such as the common cold, yellow fever, and cancer. Until the advent of modern medicine around 1900, mankind was been helplessly beset by countless waves of plagues and viruses. Before the discovery of antibiotics, most doctors chose to treat diseases by throwing the ill off of a cliff, which contributed to extremely large biceps, but also a very low life-expectancy. However, other means of treatment, such as burning at the stake and stoning were also used and yielded very similar results.

Fortunately, people today are far more civilized than before. In the modern age, those who can afford modern treatments can eliminate their most sicknesses by visiting a local witch-doctor. After visitors make a monetary offering to the shrine in the witch-doctor's name, the visitors will be granted a sliver of closely-kept medical knowledge. Sometimes, the visitor will also be granted permission to also purchase a single potion concocted by sorcerers who specialize in the brewing of divine mixtures and tonics.

Nuclear Defense[edit]

Nuclear proliferation has led to a complete paradigm shift in the need for new types of defenses. Until the modern era, most people have been able to stay physically safe through the use of good self-defense techniques or hiring a bodyguard. However, the threat of a nuclear apocalypse now means that people need to be prepared for a nuclear attack at any given moment. Not being prepared means risking instant vaporization. Some people have chosen to build fallout shelters and stockpile resources in the event that mankind needs to eke out a bleak subterranean existence after the earth's surface is cooked into an irradiated and barren wasteland.

Nuclear Supervillain Kim Jong Un wants you to know that he is NOT to be fucked with!

Nonetheless, some idealistic people still vainly hold on hope to the idea of world peace. While some world leaders have sought to bribe despotic villains such as the Supreme Leader of Iran into cooperation, others such as President Donald Trump have attempted to cyber-bully smaller nations into finally giving up their nuclear stockpiles. Unfortunately, despite these developments that seem to suggest nuclear deproliferation, the Russian government, following the spirit of their Soviet predecessors, have continued to build bigger, better, and stronger weapons which will continue to advance President Vladimir Putin's dream of blowing everything up. In the end, perhaps the strength of our defenses will decide whether or not humanity will survive into the next century.

See Also[edit]