Demeter

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Demeter out gardening in her bra-free human form as Charlie Dimmock.

“Who wants to see my dirty carrots?”

“Excuse the smell, I'm composting”

Demeter had a distinctive earthy sense of fun. This Olympian goddess was in charge of all things agricultural, she was the deity who gave the world suggestive carrots and pornographic turnips. She was the one you asked for blessings on a bumper harvest and orchards groaning under the weight of ripe pears (size 38 as you asked).

Demeter wasn't an intellectual but she did have a broad bean agricultural sense of humour that made her popular. She wandered the Earth, dispensing holticultural advice and showing the best way to grow tomatoes. Demeter generally neglected her appearance and preferred to wear a loose-fitting dress and wellington boots when on her travels.She was a complete contrast to her sisters the virgin-arsonist Hestia and haughty Hera. Demeter had the common touch. She often travelled in the guise of a bag lady. Treat her well and you will making fresh bread. Treat her badly and you'll be chewing on weeds.

Family[edit]

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Demeter's usual look. Covered in produce and hanging out her right breast.

Like her sisters, Demeter experienced plenty of lecherous attention from her fellow male Olympians. Zeus and Poseidon gained carnal knowledge of Demeter and both claimed paternity when Demeter's only daughter Persephone was born. Zeus called her 'Percy' whist Poseidon preferred 'Kore' (or Corrr!). Persephone was a complete contrast to her mother. She liked partying and staying out late. This gained her the unwelcome attention of Hell's most eligible bachelor, Hades the King of the Underworld. He was the elder brother of Zeus and Poseidon and a right kill joy. Hades's idea of fun was to watch 'evil doers' being eternally tortured but he missed having a regular partner. He got Zeus's permission to claim Persephone as she was 'gagging for it' and he could provide her plenty of 'night'. When Persephone refused to reply to his text messages, Hades appeared on earth and grabbed Persephone for a trip to hell. Persephone would be the Queen of the Damned and Dead under the name of Kate Beckinsale.

When Demeter found out that it was her brother who had abducted Persophone, she cursed the earth so that nothing would grow. Once the world's population had run out of tinned soup and raspberry jam, it would be mass starvation all round. Seeing this as an Olympic-sized public relations disaster, Zeus intervened and eventually a deal was struck with Hades. Persephone was allowed out from hell for eight months of the year but had to return over winter. Demeter grudgingly accepted the deal and bought herself a fresh pair of gardening boots to celebrate.

Demeter's other brother Poseidon took a physical interest in Demeter. The salty sea god eventually got his way with Demeter in the shape of a horse. The couple are said to have produced the usual range of freaks and monsters. Certainly nothing heroic!

Other Legends[edit]

Demeter was capable of going 'overboard' at parties. These were the few occasions she would turn up smelling of roses instead of manure. At one particular party to celebrate the marriage of Harmonia and Cadmus, Demeter met Iasion. He was a smooth talking Greek bachelor with an interest in growing asparagus. Demeter suggested they go for a walk over a muddy field whilst everyone else was getting drunk. Back in her natural element, Demeter threw Iasion to the ground and jumped on top of him. Apollo (or more likely a snitching nymph) saw all this and told Zeus. The jealous Zeus killed Iasion with a shotgun...sorry, a thunderbolt. If anyone was going to have his sister, it would be only him or his brothers.

Ceres[edit]

The Romans called her Ceres, Goddess of Smack, Crack and Poppers. She was a large Asteroid but has now been upgraded to the status of a "Dwarf Planet". Heigh-ho...heigh-ho.