Dover

Dover was a fairground attraction in The Vera Lynn Experience, the theme park built by the British wartime singer Vera Lynn and a bunch of friends in 1962 on the outskirts of Basingstoke. Before the sinister truth about Dover was discovered (see below), it was praised by a reviewer in The Sunday Times for its “extraordinarily authentic snowy white cliffs, just like the ones she sang about so evocatively when we thought we were going to be beaten by that blackguard Hitler”. Admittance to Dover cost 10s 6d (old British money), which included the cost of a cup of tea made with powdered milk, a tiny ration of plain chocolate, and two pairs of nylon stockings. Dover is home to the Dover Grammar School for Boys.

The sinister truth about Dover

On February 23, 1963, Hampshire police were informed by a citizen that there was a serious disturbance at The Vera Lynn Experience. Officers arrived to find a lot of shouting and red faces. “What’s going on here then?” they asked in unison. Two adult citizens, Mr and Mrs Trevor Sampkinson, then explained that a week ago, their two children, Irene and Johnny Sampkinson, had each paid 10s 6d and entered the Dover attraction, but they had not re-emerged and were now very missed. While two officers closed the theme park and rounded up the management, which included Vera Lynn herself and her sister Lynn Lynn five officers donned protective clothing and entered the Dover attraction. They also disappeared without trace, and only emerged exactly 10 years later, on February 23, 1973, to tell their incredible story.

The Vera Lynn Experience, as imagined by a mad artist

The incredible story

Immediately after they had entered the Dover attraction, the two children had been seized by masked villains and dragged to a waiting helicopter, which then took off. The windows of the whirlybird were blackened, so they could not see where they were being taken, but little Johnny had a wristwatch and calculated that the journey took nearly four hours, after which they landed and were roughly pushed out of the copter towards a waiting Volkswagen beetle motorcar.

What happened next

The car drove to a remote castle, now thought to be Schloss Fritzburger in Nuremzimmer, Bavaria, where the children were imprisoned for a few days (Irene and Johnny still argue about how many days) and fed on damp pumpernickel bread and schnapps. Presently a man called Rudolf Schmerz arrived and took them away in a military vehicle decorated with swastikas. Over the next few weeks (Irene and Johnny still argue about how many weeks) he taught them conversational German, showed them European adult films, and interrogated them about their innermost feelings. One day, the children woke up to find themselves in a dark room that smelt strongly of disinfectant, with electrodes attached to several sensitive parts of their bodies. Beside them were five British policemen with their uniforms off, also with electrodes attached.

And then what?

Military experts have concluded that Irene, Johnny and the policemen were operated on by the notorious neo-Nazi scientist Hektor Windjammer, possibly for seven or eight years (Irene and Johnny still argue about the number of years). The operations, which were part of the insane Windjammer’s plan to take revenge on the Allies for World War II, effectively turned the children and the policemen into fully functioning German Nazis, complete with authentic accents and salutes.

The insane Hektor Windjammer breaks his Hippocratic oath once again

So how did they escape?

Johnny secretly nipped out of a high skylight late one night in 1973 and alerted the authorities. Windjammer was arrested and the castle burned to the ground, and the British citizens were put on the next plane home. But they’re still not right – not happy, anyway. So there you go, that’s the amazing story of Dover. I hope you enjoyed it.

Ugly rumours

There are ugly rumours from time to time that a new version of Dover is being built somewhere in England, once again as a means of spiriting away our citizens for Nazification purposes. But you know how folk love to talk.

Poems about Dover

Dover

Dover, Dover, Dover
How I'd love to cover your clover
Oh my sweet Dover

I keep almost getting run over In a stinky place called Dover