A dwarf is a midget with a battleaxe.
General information on Dwarves
Beware of Mad Dwarves, they are known to kill on sight, with a mug of beer in one hand, and an axe in the other. they will also have long, nasty, filthy, disgusting, repulsive beards that they store their axes, cats, mothers, and gameboys in. They will charge you and punch you in your kneecaps while screaming random words. such as blender, tomato, and snowball. Scientists suggest that when walking through cold, snowy mountains that you wear kneepads, to prevent a Mad Dwarf attack. They are common and have killed over 500,000 people, and six wolves. They have large cave-like homes that they build large fires in where they roast what they have killed that day, and eat it. Mad Dwarves have been known to be-friend bears, this may worry some people, but you should not worry, due to the fact bears will not attack you unless they are hungry. On a related note, dwarves are very selfish and never share their food, with anyone, especially their bears. This may cause problems if you run into one. Mad Dwarves have a keen sense of smell and will find you. No matter what. you cannot hide. Even if you climb a tree, they will cut down the tree.
When small dwarves, or dwarfets turn 18, which is more like 100 in human years, they have to go through their dwarfish right of passage. This includes driving a car into a Wal-Mart, eating six cats in under 5 minutes, running a half marathon through a jungle located on Mars. They must also have a beard that is longer then six feet, even though most dwarves only grow to be 4 feet tall, if their beard is not 6 feet they are exiled to Pluto, a dwarf planet. The elder dwarves, known as dwarfolds, are the leaders of this right of passage, and oversee it in pink floating lawn chairs while sipping cherry-peach-mango-lime-strawberry- lemonade.
Dwarves are known to enjoy riding Honda Civics, yes i mean riding, like sitting on top of the car and yelling at it in Dwarfish, waiting for it to move. This event is commonly seen In New York, Moscow, Beijing, and Sydney. Police officers have been known to try to arrest these dwarves for sexual harassment against the cars, this has never actually happened though because of the fact that dwarves hate cops, they will yell at them in Dwarfish until the cops physically lose all intelligence and fall over. These cops are sent to hospitals, which do nothing for them, and then are thrown out the window, into the street, where they are hit by a speeding truck, run over, and drain into the sewage system. This is a very horrible tragedy and should be stopped, good luck with that though because if you try to stop them then you will encounter the same fate as the cops.
Another interesting thing about dwarves is their feet. Their feet are very nasty, and are home to many monsters, such as the Lochness monster, Sarah Palin, and the whole Washington Wizards basketball team. Dwarves must floss their feet every hour to prevent disease from forming, the disease could spread to their tree-trunk legs and instantly cripple them for the rest of their dwarfish life. The floss they use is a string embedded with diamonds that can cut through anything that they might have gotten between their toes. Dwarves have six toes, the sixth toe looks more like a thumb and is used to grab things. Dwarves are also very skilled at walking on their hands.
The only way to kill dwarves is to press the DEACTIVATE button. This button is located deep inside a dwarf's beard. Only one man has been able to accomplish this task, his name was John F. Kennedy. He charged the dwarf with a 20 pound bottle of shaving cream in one hand, and a razor in the other. Once he shaved off half the beard he had to claw that rest out because his razor snapped in half. The DEACTIVATE button is a large green button located right on a dwarf's chin, covered by, on average, thirty feet of beard. Good Luck.
Gimli vs. Jackson
Early in the 1970's, Michael Jackson made a claim against a dwarf named Gimli. Gimli was a previously unknown, but soon to be a hugly well-known, public figure and cake maker. Jackson claimed that Gimli, during a drunken bar brawl, had taken a pair of pliers and torn off Micheal Jackson's nose. He then dipped it in Queso Dip and swallowed it whole. In what would become known as the "Gimli Tore off my Nose with Pliers and then Ate it Scandal", Jackson sued for $4,000,000 and 3 small children.
Gimli hired Mr. Bilbo Baggins, a little-known partner in a New York law firm. The majority of the public believed that Gimli was innocent, and that Jackson had instead gambled his nose away at the craps table in Atlantic city. Gimli's father, Gloin, was called to the witness stand. Gloin stated that in his youth, Gimli was known to strip himself naked, smear himself in green jello, and run around the yard singing "Mary had a Little Lamb". This testimony was the deciding factor in deciding Gimli's fate.
The jury declared Gimli not guilty, and granted his countersuit against Jackson for 3 bags of tomatoes and a lemon. Unfortunately, Gimli misunderstood "Not Guilty" for the dwarvish insult "Your mother wears makeup". Gimli and his Father Gloin jumped upon the table, swiped the Baliff's AK-47 (Arctic Kitten) rifle, and incinerated the judge, the jury, and a flock of pidgeons perched outside before they were stopped. Biblo immediately vanished, but has been seen in gay bars with Legolas. Since all witnesses were considered unable to move any part of their body by the FIB (Federal Incineration Bureau), all ruling were considered null. Micheal Jackson, however, won his lawsuit for 3 small children 16 years later. This has fueled many controversies to date.
Gimli was brought up on criminal charges and sentenced to 20-25 years in a Federal Prison. his Father, Gloin, has been seen in British Columbia, driving recklessly through towns in a White Chevy. Gloin is well known for stumbling out of his car after a collision in a parking lot and storming over to the culprit, he immediately yelled at the man: "I'm not happy!". To which the man replied, "Which one are you then?"
The most frightening dwarves of all time is indisputedly the rare and extremely frightening Snappa Dwarves. Also known as "Dwarfs," this species of dwarves is known to be vicious and very competent in the art of criminal liberation.
The most infamous of these dwarves is Snappa Sam, who has been recently accused of helping the diabolical Martha Stewart evade further charges, including avoiding custody, and violation of the First Commandment (Thou Shalt Not Steal St0f pl0x).
More recently he has been spotted in the vicinity of many Oak trees, causing ditress among the general public. People in southern Delaware have reported the slaying of many Willow trees in the last fortnight, many think the Snapprophecy is unfolding. A dozen dark and seemingly dull times lie ahead.
Snappa Dwarves are generally taller, skinnier and less homosexual than most dwarves. Most of the Snappas live in the States and Amish societies, including Middle Earth and Tibet. Poland and Prussia also have an abundance of Snappa Dwarves. They often live for 769,872 fortnights (Aproximately 245 years). It is currently being widely investigated if Snappas suffer the steep learning curves of other MMORPGs, although the inquiry is yet to be proven.
One particularly wicked Snappa Dwarf is thought to have caused George Bush's brain damage by holding his head underwater for 3 minutes when he was a child.
Despite all the wrong-doings of Snappas, one very helpful Snappa exists. He has helped incriminate many dangerous celebreties. He is working on capturing M-J at the present time. Many believe his name is TEH Snappa!!!!1!! Teh Snappa lives in Canada, but helps everyone EH!
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