Eels

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The eel is a once mythical creature which is now on the brink of extinction. The creature was introduced to Colonial America in the early 18th century. Eels are not to be mistaken with electric eels, an invention of Thomas Edison, which are quite common today and may provide a cheap source of electricity in the near future.

Eels are creatures of great stealth and elusiveness, rarely seen outside of the back alleys of New York City, New Orleans, Milwaukee and San Francisco. Few have been sighted in broad daylight and there have been many gruesome stories of people being consumed by these strange creatures.

Eels in Colonial America were considered the spawn of Satan or that of Santa. Either way, most eels were beaten to death with primitive American stone tools, some still used today in Ford factories.

History of eels[edit]

Eels are rumored to have crawled up from the depths of Hell in the early 1750s (or from the depths of the North Pole, if you live in Milwaukee) and claimed the area to be known as New York as their own. In the early days of New York City, eels wriggled into back alleys and garbage cans and often dragged passersby into grimy corners where they would devour their victims washed down with an Old English or two.

When it started to become fashionable to travel across America in covered wagons, eels came along for the ride. Historians believe eels were the ones responsible for the Donner Party tragedy. After arriving in the West, eels became the original cowboy bandits, pillaging, robbing and consuming as they saw fit. As written in cowboy lore, some eels created a pact with human cowboys and were used as lassos in exchange for "a meal of human flesh, roughly from the Lake Tahoe area." This was more evidence for Donner Party dinner shenanigans.

Many prominent figures throughout history were indeed, eels, the most famous being Abraham Lincoln, who was mistaken for "freeing slaves" which was not his actual intent but to make "free slaves". Historians all agree, Lincoln was meaning that he wanted a free meal. Slaves who escaped the genocide of eel consumption made it to Canada along with the French and many other losers. Another prominent eel in history was Gavrilo Princip, who went on to murder Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and caused the start of World War I.

The threat of eels[edit]

Since eels are mainly ill-tempered hoboes in various inner city areas, most spend their time shouting at imaginary cellphones, people, kittens, etc. Both imaginary objects and downtown regulars learned a long time ago just to ignore them. It is highly recommended that tourists not try to pose with eels for selfies. After an eel's bout of ranting and punching of various imaginary objects, people, kittens, etc., they will move on to binge drinking and consuming passerbys. Very rarely will an eel commit mass genocide these days, the last case being in April of 1906 in San Francisco, causing a mass of land to tremble and resulted in the eventual explosion of most of China Town, where eels are commonly found purchasing low grade forms of elephant sedatives.

Eels also worship the cyborg/mutant/eel Lord and Master, Cthulhu, making them first in line to have their souls devoured when he returns. It does not matter to eels that Cthulhu has placed Iron Chef Hiroyuki Sakai on retainer for the Final Cookout, probably because eels only watch the Cartoon Channel.

Due to the bad temper of the common street eel, they should be avoided at all costs, unless you are taking along your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, etc. Under these conditions, contact with the common eel may be desired. Finding an eel shouldn't be hard. Just go toward the sounds of eel rage or the annual Republican convention.

Eels can often also be found in the presence of a Cockney geezer, the Hitcher. Be warned, when provoked, the Hitcher will send his eels up inside you, with them finding an entrance where they can, boring through your mind, your belly or even through your anus.

The famous Eel de France, in America known as the Beanie Weenie.

The appearance of eels[edit]

An eel can take many forms in its natural habitat. They can look like a slimy mutant snake/worm mix. Most eels found in the city are dressed like Elvis look-alikes and eat at cheap diners, usually ordering egg salad sandwiches, a food that most eels enjoy for they do not suffer severe projectile diarrhea like their human counterparts. Because not all eels are big fans of Elvis, many do not like to dress like him. Some make a living as Abraham Lincoln look-alikes for elementary schools, often consuming kindergarteners who sit too close to the eel. Rather than being horrified, uneaten children have a good time playing with the slime left by the sated creature.

A favorite in Great Britain are jellied eels. When an unsuspecting human opens the jar, the eel will attack, eat the human and return to the jar to wait for its next meal. Inevitably, another human will walk in and loudly announce "Who left the top off the jar?", signaling to the eel to be ready to strike again. Eels are very careful not to attack pro fish fryer Gordon Ramsay who warns them of his presence by screaming "What sodding fucking peabrain left the bloody top off the damn fucking jar??!!" This is not only because Ramsay is able to generate up to 800 volts in response to an eel bite, but that he also is an associate of Cthulhu.

Eels in popular culture today[edit]

There are many famous eels, notably added into Eddie Izzard sketches whenever the audience begins to droop, which happens more often than he would care to admit. Eels formed a band in California in 1995, with an ever-changing lineup as they tend to eat each other during soundchecks. Eel MacPherson became a top model but was forced to retire when she acquired a shape.