Employee Profile Test
Introduction[edit]
Gone are the days of embellishing a resume, getting an interview and then smooth talking your way into the job. Business in the 21st century is a fast paced, production driven environment that demands perfection and blind loyalty. In return for your drive for perfection and blind loyalty, today's business world offers you empty promises, a loyalty that exists only until they can find someone else to do your job for less money and random discrimination disguised as corporate policy.
In this new environment hiring the right person is time consuming, expensive and counter productive. Add to that the ever increasing number of lawsuits by employees because of a "Bad Apple" employee and, well, a company can no longer afford to just hire someone off the street without undergoing a rigorous process of testing to determine if they are in fact, the right person the company is looking for.
And with that, businesses now have a powerful tool to guarantee that the person they hire will be the perfect fit for both the position and the company, thus enabling many companies to take the human element out of the hiring process and avoiding the embarrassment of hiring the wrong person based on gut instinct, credentials, personality or experience.
History[edit]
With the rise of the internet it was inevitable that businesses would go global. With that globalization came intense competition and a labor pool that numbered in the billions. During the early days of this new globalization many businesses focused solely on that employee who would perform a job for the least amount of money, but this flawed philosophy soon led to some high profile exposure that many businesses neither wanted nor could afford.
Recognizing the need to appear employee friendly and family oriented while maintaining and internal practice of ruling with an iron fist that Stalin would have been proud of, many companies began to hire teams of lawyers and psychiatrists to put together some kind of standardized test that could be used to identify that "Perfect Employee" for both the position and the company.
Early forms of these Employee profile or evaluation tests took on the makings of nothing more than glorified IQ tests that could identify someone who was indeed smart enough and capable enough to perform the duties of the job they were applying for, however, the tests fell far short of identifying those individuals who would fall into line with either corporate or department philosophy, because, as companies soon realized, hiring someone so smart that they quickly figured out the scope of all the internal corruption going on or how fucking stupid their bosses really were and NOT rat it out to a regulatory agency, corporate [[headquarters or a competing business was not what they were really looking for in a employee. It was at that point that businesses needed to come up with a more in depth test that not only evaluated raw intelligence, but moral fiber and ethics as well.
The Result[edit]
After several years of trial and error, a test emerged that seemed to identify that one employee that a business could identify as not only intelligent enough to perform the duties of the job they were applying for, but would also fall in line with that particular companies philosophy.
Thurd Arthur Ferguson, a professor of history from Southwest Frenchlick County Community College was one of the first people in line when the US government declassified many WW II documents relating to Nazi Germany. As Thurd filtered through the mountain of documents he ran across what appeared to be some recruiting tests for both the Abwehr and the feared SS. As he studied these profile tests he began to see a pattern unfolding, although both Nazi organizations needed people who could do the job and be loyal to their cause, it appeared that the two organizations had completely conflicting goals. While the SS required blind loyalty and absolute perfection from their members, the Abwehr needed members who would fight against evil while they appeared to be helping the cause all the while remaining loyal to protect their members from persecution.
Within 5 years Professor Ferguson had combined many facets from both tests and updated the wording of many questions and then combined them into a testing format for a specific customer (Business) needs. What finally emerged as a standardized test is the Thurd ASS Employee Profile Test, or what many companies internally refer to as the ASS test.
Early Usage[edit]
One of the first industries to use the Thurd Ass standardized Employee Profile Test was the Airline industry.
Recognizing that many airline people had the experience and the capability to perform the specific jobs they were applying for the Airline industry quickly picked up on the fact that they needed employees who were not only highly trained and qualified to perform their specific jobs, but they needed those employees to blindly loyal or as blind as Hellen Keller. Hiring someone in between these two extremes could potentially cost a manager their job, so the industry turned to Thurd for a test to weed out the "Undesirables" so they could hire what soon came to be known as "The Master Employee"
This ground breaking test was first used by the followers of Judyism who had entrenched themselves within the airline industry and had come under fire from many employees for their business practices. While they slowly weeded out the undesirable employees that they felt were "Sub-quality" employees they embarked on campaign to guarantee that each new hire would be fiercely loyal to Judyism's platform and thus, be the kind of quality employee that Judyism so desperately needed.
The Employee Profile Test[edit]
Although the Thurds Ass test is a relatively standardized test, the questions are many times customized for a particular industries needs. These questions and the test itself are closely guarded secrets and the test itself, once completed, must be sent back to Thurd's Headquarters in International Falls Minnesota for grading and results. Examples of the test have been leaked out, via the internet, but the exam itself is never the same, so trying to guess what questions will be on what test and how to properly answer them is something that Thurd has managed to keep secret so far.
As we said, the test is a closely guarded secret, however, during those early days when security was a little more lax, a original copy of one of the Employee Profile Test was slipped out, unfortunately, the test is no longer a true representation of the now standard version, but this early test is somewhat indicative as to what to expect from the current test.
1) MANAGER, QUALIFIED
In this example are these two words,
A) Similar.
B) Opposite.
C) The Same.
D) Mean neither the same nor the opposite.
For this particular question there is no right or wrong answer, how it is answered is of far more importance than being right or wrong.
In this example, Judyism found that employees that answered either C or D turned out to be employees that best matched their corporate philosophy as they recognized that either the prospective employee was either faithful to a fault or dumb as a box of rocks, either way, as it turned out, benefited Judyism and thus helped them to hire the best employee for their company.
2) Jerry has 10 years of seniority but is a lazy, incompetent, worthless, disease ridden oxygen thief that is gone more than he is at work. Sally has only 1/4 of the seniority of Jerry but can perform the job of two people but complains about her workload and Jerry's performance. If Jerry earns 30% more than Sally, how many years will it take Sally to match Jerry's pay assuming both receive merit raises based on their performance?
A) 1 Year
B) 5 Years
C) 20 years
D) Not enough information to answer the question.
E) Sally needs to be terminated and thus cannot ever match Jerry's pay.
In this example, Judyism was looking for the employee that answered either C or E. Obviously, there was not enough information to answer the question, however, what Judyism was looking for was that quality employee that was so fucking stupid, or loyal, that they just threw in an answer or answered E thinking that E would sound right for the business model.
3) Look at the numbers below, which number would come next.
50, 40, 20, 10, 5....
A) huh?
B) -5
C) 0
D) 50
E) We will just say a random number and you are expected to agree with it.
In this example, C, D or E would have been acceptable. Although B is correct as far as continuity is concerned, Judyism was not looking for someone with logic skills, only those who are stupid, loyal or will just do what they are told. In this particular example, A could earn merit depending upon how other questions were answered.
Scoring[edit]
Each test has 50 questions and is a timed test. The number of right answers, wrong answers and how far the prospective employee gets all factor into the final score. In general the following scoring system applies.
A) 50. A superior employee, a definite hire, no question about it.
B) 25. An average employee at best. Could work out for the company, but there is a slight risk of hiring.
C 15. An obvious malcontent, this person may be smart, but jeopardizes your job by possibly exposing your incompetence or corruption. An absolute no hire.
D) Below 15. Either a fucking moron or corporate is trying to slip a spy into the department, either way, hiring this person will doom you.