Faith No More
“Ah yes, Faith No More, truly a band that epitomizes the phrase "What a truly first-rate troupe of musical pioneers". I must say I do find comfort in the postulation that I am not the only character who indeed "Cares a lot"”
Faith No More is a post-music band that was formed in the year 1985 by band members Chuck Mostly, Rowdy Bottom, Mike Boredom, Hairy Pumpkin Farmer, and This Guy. The band's musical genres have a very extensive range. Including but not limited to, rap-rock, heavy metal, Nu-metal, nintendocore and random noise samples. They have enjoyed major mainstream success in Soviet Russia and Western Canada.
History[edit]
In the year 1982, Hairy Pumpkin Farmer was kitten huffing with Mike Boredom, Rowdy Bottom, James (The Transient) Morris, and This Guy. Even though they had no idea how to play any instruments whatsoever (although Bottom was one hell of a skin flute player), they formed a band and called it "Lack of Hope". The name was unpopular amongst the 2 fans they had, however, so they changed their name to "Faith No More", fired James (The Transient) Morris for eating the last bag of Cheetos, hired Chuck Mostly because he happened to be walking by when this happened, and released the single, "Random Explosion Noises with the Drummer Tearing Down His Drum set in the Background, and a Hippie Raping His Guitar". This single had very little success though. So they traveled back in time to 1981 just in time to get there before the Red Hot Chili Peppers formed so they could sound somewhat original.
For 4 years the band did absolutely nothing until Kerry King from Slayer wrote a song for them, proving that anyone can write a song no matter how mentally disabled they are, this led Faith No More to writing their own songs. They recorded the albums, "We couldn't Care Less" and "Go Fuck Yourself". These albums had very little success, mainly because of then-lead singer Chuck Mostly's bad oder. Mr. Bungle's sole songwriter and member Mike Patton then went to a Faith No More concert and ate Chuck Mostly's soul and masculinity, automatically replacing him as the lead singer.
With Patton, the band released the album, "The Ally McBeal Thing" in 1989 along with the #1 hit single, "Anti-Climactic". Although the song consisted of only one note with Mike Patton making weird screeching noises for 5 minutes, the video got heavy airplay on radio and MTV. Animal rights activists were outraged as the video for "Anti-Climatic" contained numerous scenes in which the entire band raped a school of fish. Anthony Kleenex from the Red Hot Chili Peppers then declared war on Patton as Patton cut all of Kleenex's hair off while he was sleeping so that he could make a wacky wig for use in the numerous "Anti-Climatic" video fish rape scenes. The war rages to this day. The band then went on to release the album Angle Crust which caused all Koala bears and Kangaroo's to go extinct, thus making Faith No More Australia's new national treasure. Hairy Pumpkin Farmer exited the band due to Mike Patton's numerous homosexual advances which he felt gave him superpowers to the point where he was no longer just a man. This was followed by Fool For a King, Life for a Daytime which saw new guitar player Trey Spearience enter and then soon after leave the fold due to an epic struggle with Mike Patton over who had the better hair. With new guitarist Da Terminater, Faith No More released their final album EP of the Fortnight which cost over $1 billion dollars to produce, mostly because of Mike Patton's astronomical hair gel usage. A live album was also released entitled Live! In Your Shoebox, all of which were #1 hits in Soviet Russia.
Because EP of the Fortnight's production caused a worldwide depression, the United Nations ordered Faith No More to break up for an unspecified amount of geological time. In addition, This Guy's head exploded shortly after the release of EP of the Fortnight in the middle of a concert in Moscow. However, the bright side is that in Soviet Russia head explodes This Guy! So he managed to live on, never giving up on his endless Kitten Huffing.
Recently, Faith No More reformed, playing several hundred shows in Belgium because "that's where the demand is" but they refuse to play in any other country. At every show Patton would eat the pair of shoes he wore that night as the bands encore. Their return was celebrated by the release of their 327th compilation album, simply titled:
"The Absolute Very Best Most Awesomely Definitive Ultimate Collection of Absolutely The Definitively Greatest Hits Ever By Faith No More That Contains Faith No More's Very Best Ultimate Definitive Greatest Hits And Is A Better Compilation Album Than Who Cares a Lot?, This Is It: The Best of Faith No More, Epic and Other Hits, The Platinum Collection and The Works Combined And Also It Has The Very Best Ultimate Definitive Greatest B-side Hits That You Heard On The Other Compilation Albums And Also It Has A Shark On The Cover and the Greatest Definitive Very Best Absolute Hits The World Has Ever Seen In A Faith No More Compilation Album With A Bronzed Golden Shark On The Cover".
All the band's singles reached the #1 spot on Soviet Russia's "Music that charts you!" Chart and Canada's "Free maple syrup with purchase of this single" Chart respectively.