“And few individuals are aware that omitted from the Bible is the eleventh commandment -- Thou shalt not engage in fandom. Therefore, anyone who participates in these sinful communities will permanently damn themselves for the rest of eternity in hell.”
“We don't care if we burn for eternity as long as we can still watch Harry screw Malfoy.”
“You see, Harry; I don't care whether or not your love for me is canon. Don't you see that the entire fandom is screaming for us to make out like fags? Come on, Harry, do me, they'll love it.”
Fandom is the collective term for the worldwide herd of women, ages 10 to 70, who engage in wanton and often orgiastic acts of fantasizing boys, ages 8 to 40, usually in homoerotic situations, in possession of magnificently hung members, and in the throes of MegaAngst, from whose clutches the imperiled male can only be saved by another male, whose member is also magnificently hung and whose own gayness is a complete revelation to him. Everyone is a poof.
The females who comprise fandom can usually be described by at least one "bi" word, and though the most common instances are "bipolar" or "bisexual", there is the occasional black sheep who dubs herself "bifocal," "bicameral" or even "bivalve". They are characterized by their endlessly self-loathing blogs, elephantine tattooed inner thighs whose pictures are plastered all over said blogs, and an innate affinity for incestuous relationships, usually between famous actors and their costars.
Often referred to as "fangirls" by the uninitiated, these females prefer the title "Manflesh Enthusiasts" or the more ubiquitous "Hot Boy on Boy P0rn XXXors". Their human relationships are relegated mostly to a.) their fandom community, consisting of a series of blogs linked by The Man's Sheep (or LiveJournal, to laymen), or b.) their dildos, whose pictures are posted in the blogverse alongside the tattooed thighs.
Since the end of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, many fangirls have found themselves at a loss as to what to do with themselves and so have fled to Morocco where they have found footholds in the lucrative camel trade. However, the majority of the fangirl populace has continued to reside in western civilization where the search for a replacement fandom continues to this day. Needless to say, the development of countless differing fandoms has occurred over the last few years, so that many fangirls now consider themselves to be passionate followers of sometimes more than a dozen, no, actually... more than 9,000.
Although they argue that the growth of various fandoms contributes to their community involvement, Buddhists contend that fandom participation is a result of the amount of chicken fried rice one consumes, and that we can measure the extent of the food upon a fangirl by the number of fandoms in which they participate. LiveJournal, many have agreed, contains some of the most frighteningly obsessive fangirls with chicken fried rice addictions that prowl relentlessly through the internet in desperate search for the latest fandom news that never arrives. As soon as they learn that it hasn't, they proceed to an alarming ritual in which they devour chicken fried rice (with root beer often being the beverage), whose influences causes them to be actively supporting most the gay rights movement.
This influence has led to the development of a genre known as slash in which fangirls participate. Many sociologists have concluded that the the necessary trait of any fangirl is the ability to envision any two males engaged in a homosexual act. The intellectual are surprised to find that the variety of these couplings knows no limit. Fangirls have developed such pairings as Gandalf/Samwise, Ron/Albus, Will Turner/Captain Norrington, and several others that disturb the ordinary citizen.
Fangirls have designated certain fandoms more so than others as susceptible to their slash tendencies. These include, but are not necessarily limited to, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Brokeback Mountain, and Pirates of the Caribbean; however, the pursuit of imposing homosexuality on male characters is blatant in nearly every fandom imaginable. The aforementioned, however, tend to incorporate it more.
Helpful terms to know
- Fanfic - Gratuitous publishing of bad stories by bad writers for the purpose of getting off on their own praise. Gained its fame from irking J.K. Rowling to the point where she demanded the XXX Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy fansite be shut down. Fangirls complied, but secretly glued their plastic HP figurines together at the respective pelvises.
- Slash - Homosexual "pairing," usually of two males. The term comes from the backslash denoting who is banging who in a fanfic, i.e. Frodo/Samwise.
- FPS - Fictional Person Slash. Homosexual pairing of fictional people. I.e. Frodo-Samwise.
- RPS - Real Person Slash. Homosexual pairing of real people. I.e. everything that goes on behind closed doors that the evil PR people don't want you to know about.
- Lemon Fic - Wankable fanfic.
- Wank - Brit term for masturbation, a.k.a. Reason for Living.
- PWP - Plot What Plot. Used to denote a fanfic whose express purpose in existing is to get girls off whose dildos are out of batteries and whose hometowns are buried in five feet of blizzard such that slogging five miles to the nearest corner store selling batteries would be useless, given the annoying happenstance of death before said batteries could be used.
- Angst - Is to fanfic as milk is to cereal. Without it, it's just dry.
- LJ Icon - Conduit via which a woman expresses her hopes, fears, dreams, inner anxieties, and secret wishes, all in 100 x 100 pixels.
- The Very Secret Diaries - Only the most famous fanfic. Evar. Written.