Find an Asian wife!

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Billions of Asian women are waiting for you to save them from their misery to enjoy a life of luxury in your country! Feel free to browse our catalogue and choose any model that strikes your fancy. The average delivery time is 3-5 days, plus the delivery costs are usually tax deductible. Every model will be delivered with a certificate of chastity, an instruction manual, and a 5 year warranty. In case of dissatisfaction we promise a full refund.

Catalogue winter-collection 2009/2010

Model 1

Chi Hu Ling

Chi Hu Ling from Yangshuo in the Southern Chinese countryside

Chi Hu Ling is a simple woman estimated to be 23 years old, from the small town of Yangshuo in the Southern Chinese countryside. She has chronic bronchitis from the permanent smog around her hometown, which is caused by the production of lead-based milk powder. She is illiterate and her father was imprisoned for being a Falun Gong practitioner two years ago. It is believed that he was disembowelled in an organ donation factory and his organs are now being sold overseas. Hu Ling herself had a kidney removed against her will, but apart from that, this model is in great shape! She can walk by herself, doesn't need medical care and wears her hair in a cute braid which she keeps under a Communist cap.

Chi Hu Ling has no hobbies. This model is available for only $999 + VAT. Please add $8,999 for delivery to Europe or $9,999 for delivery to USA or Canada (bulk freight).

  • pH value: 13.1
  • Beta-carotene content: 26%
  • Eye colour: Green-turquoise-ochre-brown

Model 2

Long Fang Hui

Long Fang Hui from the slums of Shanghai

Long Fang Hui is a modern young woman from the slums of Shanghai. She has been smoking since the age of 4, but this doesn't affect her much other than her slight permanent cough. She can recite the names of all the Chinese Emperors backwards, and speaks about three or four English words. Because of the abuses she experienced in childhood, she can't be used as a sex toy very well, but she can cook delicious Chinese delicacies like the thousand-year egg and various types of dog stew.

Long Fai Hui's hobby is loudly spitting out tar from her lungs, which incidentally is very popular in China. She enjoys listening to Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. She is available for only $799 + VAT. Please add $6,999 for delivery.

  • GPT: 49
  • Measurements: 60-30-45
  • Cholesterol: 230 mg/dL

Model 3

The Mud Fung Hye sisters

The Mud Fung Hye sisters from the Hubei province

The Mud Fung Hye sisters are only available as a single package because they don't want to be separated from each other. These two ladies were caught in a massive mud slide from the construction of the Three Gorges Dam, and have been traumatised ever since. They delight in activities such as mud bathing, mud wrestling, and throwing mud. It is recommended that their future owner provide them with a spacious area filled with mud, so that they can exercise their passions. The twins are approximately 25 years old, have good genes, and can sing very well. They have even won the karaoke contest at their hometown of Chongping in 2003.

This double package is available for only $1,299 + VAT. Please add $9,999 for delivery.

  • Assembly time: 3 hours
  • Colour: muddy
  • Viscosity: 23 ν
  • Wattage: 3w (eco-friendly)

Model 4

The Rap Clap Bang sisters

The Rap Clap Bang sisters from Taipei

The 17 year old Rap Clap Bang sisters from Taipei are a lively, fun-loving duo who don't see any sense in monogamy. They are only available as a package deal. They were orphaned at the age of three when their parents were run over by an automatic train. After a long journey through Taiwan's orphanages they settled down in Taipei and started a nail parlour. The business was not very successful, and soon the sisters were engaging in street prostitution so that they could continue to support their hobby of drawing manga. This made them experts at handling all male parts, public and private, which means that you will never regret making this purchase! The sisters speak fluent English and can even communicate with Australians. If you only have space for one in your house, the other one can be kept in the cellar. Asian women don't mind this treatment as long as they are being fed.

This double package is available for only $1,499 + VAT. Please add $7,999.99 for delivery.

  • Duration: 17 a
  • Strength: 32
  • Bitch factor: 28 Giga

Model 5

Damrong Betel

Damrong Betel from Thailand

Damrong Betel washed up on the doorstep of our Thailand head office during the tsunami in December 2004. She is an absolute bargain in our catalogue! Her love for betel nuts may have damaged her teeth a little, but this small flaw can be solved by some dental treatment. Because of her experiences in the tsunami, Damrong is afraid of water and only washes herself with coarse sand, but she is otherwise friendly, neat and trim, as long as she gets enough betel nuts. Her skills in the kitchen are extraordinary, and her marinated grasshoppers and roasted bugs will surely send you to a culinary nirvana.

Damrong is available for an absolute special price of $99, plus, delivery costs are taken care of by us! However, there's no money back guarantee because of this very special price.

  • Teeth: 14
  • Hair: some
  • Loyalty factor: 100%
  • Vaginas: none

Model 6

John Mao Tsang

John Mao Tsang from Hong Kong

John Mao Tsang is a fun-loving, visually handicapped transvestite from Hong Kong. She had her sex change operation in 2001, as she was hoping to become Hong Kong's next dancing queen. This didn't work out so well, so John is now looking for love in a tender man, preferably German. John is autistic and doesn't speak, but he can imitate animal voices perfectly especially during sex. It is easy to clean, eats little and keeps itself fit with yoga, cold showers and spa treatments.

John's price is negotiable; bids start at $3,998 + VAT. and 12% transvestite tax. The delivery costs from Hong Kong are currently at $8,999.

  • Breasts: 2
  • Private parts: 2
  • Brightness: 150 lx

Model 7

Phuong Anh

Phuong Anh from Samut Prakan

Phuong Anh is one of the most desirable models in our catalogue. She comes from a highly respected Thai noble family and was selected for the harem of King Rama IX Bhumipol Abdulajey at the age of nine. At the age of 21, however, she was evicted when her long hair angered the king by tickling him too much during intercourse. She refused to cut it, so her family is now completely impoverished. Phuong Anh carries a crown with her all the time, and dresses in cute, bright colours that envelope her delicate body like a warm summer breeze. This model only can be sold if the buyer provides bank-registered securities. The complete price of $79,999 has to be paid to the agency in monthly instalments over three years, and we will pay 15% of the sales price to her family members who are currently living off wild sweet potatoes in rural Thailand.

Phuong Anh will be delivered with her lapdog in a golden palanquin. We will include spare parts like an exchangeable head, larger breasts and different sets of plastic finger nails. Delivery costs: $11,999. Delivery can take up to three months.

  • Macro expansion: 5 Mhz
  • Ear lobes: 2
  • Torque: 350 Nm

Model 8

Hương Nguyen from Đà Nẵng during a demonstration in Rome.

Hương Nguyen from Đà Nẵng

Hương Nguyen from Đà Nẵng has been leased by several German men at different times, but was always returned because she is a little pretentious and erratic. Her impressive height of 1.82m is improved by her bolted stilettos, which are available as a self-assembly option. This makes her a towering 1.90m and always eager to please. She comes from a noble family that was on the Khmer Rouge's death list, and she is the only survivor. Because of these horrible experiences in her youth, she is easily traumatised, but just be nice to her and she'll cheer up. This lady has no special skills, but she is very presentable and can help you stand out at every party and social occasion, as long as you don't let her say anything.

Hương Nguyen will be delivered in a wooden box, along with a stretch of pedestrian crossing and some Italian scenery. She comes with an assembly manual. The delivery costs are $1,999, delivery time in Europe will be just a few hours because she is currently stored in a warehouse in Rome, Italy.

  • Hardness: 7.19 mg MgO per liter
  • Favourite meal: dog
  • Assembly time: 20 minutes

Spork.jpg This page was originally sporked from The German Uncyclopedia.

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 16 January 2011
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/16 January 2011Template:FA/2011</includeonly>