Fracking is a way of extracting gas from under your neighbour's garden and selling the product at vast profit to BP.
The Americans have been doing this for years to avoid being held over an oil barrel by Saudi Arabia. Now the craze for fracking has taken off in the United Kingdom. It seems a lot simpler than building windmills out to sea or covering your roof in solar panels to catch sunlight from the grey skies over England. Frackers say their method of blasting away at rock and hosing it down with water will guarantee oodles of free energy and holidays all round.
How did it start?
Estimates say that Britain, for example, is sitting on millions of cubits of gas just waiting for a man or woman in a yellow hat and a lot of permits to get blasting away. In years past, coal was extracted by sending men, women and children to dig it out with their bare hands to service the fireplaces of Buckingham Palace and ensure Queen Victoria was all warm and cosy with Prince Albert.
The first known attempt at fracking happened in the First World War. This involved digging under a German trench, filling it with explosives and then setting the charge off at the Battle of the Somme. It also killed a lot of Germans and created a huge hole for the British soldiers to dig themselves in when they tumbled aside. This example of a frack gone wrong inspired a war poet Wilfred Owen to write fracking is so ugly, I want no more part of this bloody business.
How does it work?
First you need a lot of TNT, high water jets and long drills to get down to the shale where the gas is trapped. Turn the little Pressure knob past 10, yes, all the way up to 11 and, ignoring all the little earthquakes, the gas will be liberated upwards and into your company's bank account. Set aside some money for security, political lobbying, and outright bribery to keep the site secure from the bunny-huggers and their homespun clothes. In fact, the water used for breaking the wrong can be recycled and aimed at the protestors instead — a natural way to recycle and re-use energy. You can instruct your employees to make that point when they point the water at the people waving their placards.
Then once the money comes rolling in, leave a bit aside to fix the local community hall or replace the lead roof on a church. If your license gives you access to a city or suburb, play loud music to cover the noise and employ some free lance builders if homes start to crack and collapse as fracking disturbs the local geology.
Can anyone do it?
Yes, but you may not always get enough gas to make it viable. Remember that fracking other people will produce gas too — methane to be precise — even more than a really good curry. Make sure you have the facilities to store a highly flammable end product. In the coming years of overpopulation, energy shortages, and growing opposition to eating meat and milk, everyone will need to know how to frack.
How you spell it again?
Fracking is not to be confused with Fragging, Fraggle rock, or Fagging, the latter being what British Prime Minister David Cameron and London Mayor Boris Johnson did together in the toilets at Eton College
♪♪ F.R.A.K. in the U.S.A. ♪♪
The British dropped the fracking ball a long time ago but, in go-ahead-and-get-out-of-bed America, this method of energy extraction has made that country great again. No more blackmail from foreigners after their burgers, Americans aim for fossil fuel independence. President Obama has touted this giant step toward self-reliance, as it is occurring everywhere he cannot stop it. Fracking has replaced getting control of spending as a rallying cry among the opposition Republicans, until Obama gives them a stern look.
Other countries with a lot of space are keen to get fracking too. Australia, China, and Brazil are starting projects big-time. Even the OPEC states could do some fracking. Only people who worry about the supposed environmental damage like the EU and Greens are trying to stop others having their frackin' fun. So ignore them. Get your own license and get going.
- Called bullying or turning a younger pupil in a personal slave. Now known as 'making yo my bitch,' as fag had other connotations.