Garlic, also known by it's Latin name purus stingus yourus eyeus, is a type of parasitic fungus most commonly found growing on the genitals of many species; often Humans. Garlic is fundamentally non-toxic but is classed as an STD. It is a potent aphrodisiac and has been known to cause heart attacks in animals with nervous dispositions. Garlic has been known to be used by some fetishists in cooking, but the trend is gradually declining as alternatives, such as cocaine, have been found. The fungus is notable for tricking its male hosts into thinking the Garlic growth is his penis, leading to embarrassing and confusing effects.
The origin of Garlic is still unknown, the most endorsed theories thought up so far include the Creationist theory, the Evolutionist theory and the Fetishist theory.
The Creationist Theory is the most popular Garlic origin theory available to the public to date. This Theory holds the view that Garlic was created by God in a vain attempt to test the faithful's faith. This plan failed spectacularly and led to many thinking that God was just a stuck-up git who wanted everyone to experience the misery of STD's.
The Evolutionist Theory takes the view that Garlic actually evolved from a severed penis that grew sometime around 1200BC, although the exact date is unknown.
The Fetishist Theory puts forward the idea that Garlic was made by Magical fairies some 50 years ago, this Theory has been discounted by many Garlic Scholars who point out that they themselves have been abusing Garlic for more than 50 years.
The cultivation of Garlic for both its psychoactive effects and its use in fetishist cooking has grown into a multibillion dollar industry. The cultivation of Garlic is run by a monopoly of companies, including Microsoft, BP, and Google Inc.
The cultivation process of Garlic is very labour intensive; for the Garlic to mature fully it must be provided a living host. These living hosts are sourced from all around the world, but most are taken from key slave labour areas such as India and China. Hosts, once trapped by the monopoly companies, are infected with Garlic spores and contained in detainment centers colloquially known by the acronym GARLIC (Garlic Assesment Redevelopment Lifeform Intensive Center). Once the Garlic has matured on the host they are killed and the mature healthy Garlic growth falls of the host ready to be used.
The Garlic spore, resembling a small penis, is the starting point of the life cycle of the Garlic fungus. The Garlic spore can be transported via many mechanisms, such as intercourse, making babies, romping, dogging and being a slag to name but a few.
Once the Garlic spore has been transmitted to the host it begins the germination process. The spore first releases four individual roots which burrow deep into the flesh of the victim, these roots help keep the spore in place and once fully developed they stop both the spore and the final fully grown fungus from ever being removed. The roots also draw up blood from below the skin to help aid the Garlic's growth. Once the spore has begun to grow it goes through two distinct phases. Firstly, the spore expands to form 'cloves' of Garlic many fetishists know and use in cooking today. Secondly, the long root seen on the top of the 'cloves' grows outwards and grows fatter. This top root is the implement that is so infamous for tricking its male hosts into thinking the Garlic growth is his own penis. To achieve this remarkable feat the cloves produce an intoxicating mix of potent chemicals that render the sensory awareness part of the Brain useless, letting the host slip into the false pretense that the root is his tool.
Once the Garlic has fully matured and has gone through all the aforementioned phases it is ready to reproduce. The Garlic fungus will release its spores in certain conditions, for the Garlic to release its spores it must be:
- There must be a rainbow in under one miles radius.
- The fungus must have past at least 60 days from infecting the host.
If all these criteria are met the Garlic will release its spores in great clouds to infect hosts as far as 1500 kilometers away, letting the life cycle rotate again and again.
Use in fetishist cooking
Garlic has been used for centuries by small minorities who gain pleasure from either its chemical effect on the body or its potent aphrodisiac effects. Garlic is said to give a unique flavor to the food it is added to, however its side effects are usually considered more attractive than its unusual aspect. Its first recorded use was by the Romans in roughly 0001 AD whilst celebrating the death of Jesus.