Giant rat
“A rat baby has no better service than to be spanked, then eaten; that is his creed.”
“Rats of unusual size? I don't believe they exist. AGGGGGHH! MY LEG!”
Giant rats are basically just really, REALLY big rats. We're talking 40 feet high and 100 feet long at least here. Southern Giant rats can grow to an excess of 350 feet. They live mainly in rainforests and under the sea, but have recently founded their own nation, Ratopia, which is located just south/north of that tree over there. Giant rats are known to vacation in New York City and are frequently spotted in the subway system.
Many famous people are actually giant rats, including Hitler, Bob Dylan and King Henry VIII. Maggie Thatcher was not a giant rat, but in fact took on many giant rat-based characteristics following her defeat of Aylesbury, Leighton Buzzard and Linslade, the three giant rats formed by the fallout of the mind-bending psychotropic drugs used in the construction of Milton Keynes.
Conquests[edit]
Giant rats have, on several occasions, attempted to take control of the planet, but have decided us humans have no tasty stuff(except our ballz). They have also considered the fact that we have no intelect. All in all, they think we are retarts. Stupid rats!. They should be burned at the stake! Kill! KILL!OH, sorry BOO-HOO!.(now I have relized, I am stupid and off topic.) Due to their sheer size and numbers, stopping them has required the combined might of several nation's armed forces. Their most recent, and most devastating conquest was yesterday at around one in the afternoon. The death toll is rumoured to be at least three. (with a margian of error of three). The conquest was led by none other than the mother rat herself, Queen RattyMcRat III. The queen alone is the size of Europe, many believe that Europe is actually just the floating corpse of the previous mother rat, Queen RattyMcRat II.
Many famous wars in history were actually fought against the giant rat legions, but this has been covered up to avert worldwide panic. Examples of such human/rodent conflicts incluse the crusades, the Hundred year war (originally called the "Hundred foot tall rat war"), the American revolution (the corpses of the rats were cast into the sea and formes the islans of Cuba), and world war 1.5.
Proof of giant rats[edit]
Despite the high profile nature of Giant rat conquests, some scientists still do not recognise their existance. They would argue that they are actually just a figment of my over active imagination, and not worth mentioning.
However, recent studies have shown that over 80% of people say they have seen a giant rat with their own eyes (question was asked to 5 people, 4 of whom were me) With these kind of statistics, it is easy to invisage a world where Giant rats are known and feared for there inhuman rampages. NONE OF THIS IS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ratopia[edit]
Ratopia is the newly founded nation of Giant rats. It's total polulation is officially estimated to be over 7, thus making it the largest nation on earth in terms of the sheer size of it's residents. Many experts beleive that the country actually contains millions of rats, but the official estimate is only 7 because the surveyor is inevitably killed horribly beofre he can count any higher.
The capitol of Ratopia, named Luxembourg by it's inhabitants solely for the confusion it would cause, is home to 80% of the total polulation of the country. A large and economically developed city, Luxembourg maintains high levels of prosperity thanks mainly to it's hugely sucessful tourism industry. People come from all over the world to see and be terribly mutilated by the friendly and obliging inhabitants of this wonderous city. Despite it's financial stability, Luxembourg, and Ratopia as a whole, suffers from a severe endemic of Hyperinflation: not in the normal sense of the word, rather bank notes must be continually increased or "inflated" in physical size in order to be of any use to the population. The 500 RatMark note is currently the size of Belgium.
There are several smaller villages in ratopia, all called Ratville. There are at least 30 recorded Ratvilles around the country. Rats that live in these villages are often looked down on by the city-dwellers, mainly due to the capitol city being situated on a large hill. Village Rats do however tend to be much more feral and primative than those living in the city: some of them have iPods with only 2GB of memory! It sounds impossible to beleive, I know, but you have to remember that much of the world is not as economically developed as the countries we live in. Still, only 2BG... that's only like 30 or 40 albums worth of music! How do they cope?!
Southern Ratopia is home to the Southern rats (beleive it or not). They are similar in their angry disposition, but are much bigger than their Northern cousins. They also wear straw hats and grow tumbleweed balls the size of houses. Southern rats are also very fond of Shotguns, but then, who isn't? I mean, can you honestly say that if you saw a shotgun lying on the street, you would'nt pick it up and hold up a freight train with it? I know I would. Hell, i've done it quite a few times; you might've read about it in the Newspapers. I can still remember the headlines: "Idiot with gun gets hit by train". Those were the days. Things were simpler back then, you know? You didn't have to worry about so much. Life's gotten a lot faster since then. No time in today's busy 9 to 5 lifestyle to just stop for a minute and say "Hey. Is this really who I want to be? Is this really all there is in life?". 'Course, that's exactly how the feds want it. They keep you moving 'cos they know that if you stop to think you'll realise that society today is a joke, and not the funny kind. The government are always thinking of new ways to surpress independant thought and free will. They're probably watching us right now. Won't be long 'till the Thought Police are patrolling the streets, knocking on our doors. They're everywhere, man. They're inside us all. Watching. Waiting.
Uh...sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, giant rats...
Giant rat conventions[edit]
Giant Rat conventions are held anually. During them, the Rats, under the direction of the Mother rat, plan domestic matters and, more often, bloodthirsty conquests. Nobody knows where these conventions are held. This is thought to be because the buildings used are simply too large for human eyes to take in. Plus its not something many people really want to find, as its full of giant rats.
The annual "Naked Rat Riding, Whilst Wanking Festival" (NRRWWF) takes place in Wolverhampton each year. It is thought that the giant rats used in the festival are brainwashed by the smell of Wolverhampton residents, thus they do not attack any of their Riders. A similar event is that of the Pod racing on Tatooine, although the Wolverhampton rat version involves much more rape.
Attack of the giant rats films[edit]
A series of films has been made, inspired by the bloodthirsty conquests of the Giant rats. The first was made in 2005 by director George lucas (who also played the role of the mother rat). The plot was simple: thousands upon thousands of house-sized rats would descend upon a helpless village or town, slaughter its inhabitants, and move on. Since then, 7 sequels have been made, all following the same formula. The only exception was "attack of the giant rats VI: Oh crud, more giant rats!", which is generally considered the one weak link in the series. The main flaw was that it moved away from the senseless violence of the other films, towards more of a romantic comedy. Another problem was that budget cuts resulted in the film being shot all in the same room, with George lucas playing all the parts.
A list of all the attack of the giant rats films is as follows:
-Attack of the giant rats (5th December 2005)
-Attack of the giant rats II- Oh no more Giant rats! (6th December 2005)
-Attack of the giant rats III- Dammit here they come again! (8th December 2005)
-Attack of the giant rats IV- Where do these giant rats keep coming form? (9th December 2006)
-Attack of the giant rats V- You guessed it... More Giant rats! (1st January 2007)
Attack of the giant rats VI- Oh crud more giant rats! (12th January 2007)
-Attack of the giant rats VII- Saddam's revenge (Iraq only) (8th March 2007)
-Attack of the giant rats VIII- Where are these giant rats coming from, why do they want to kill me and how many more are there?!?! (usually abbreviated to "Hijj") (9th March 2007)