Godzilla vs. Urethra
Godzilla/Gojira vs. Urethra (also known as Uthera/Utherus) was a duel of epic proportions, fought in the year 1970 between the Japanese anti-hero, monster and legend, Godzilla, and his lesser-known archenemy, Urethra. It is the 29th and final installment in the Godzilla series by Ishiro Honda (Godzilla vs. Vaginus would be directed by some new doucher). The film primarily takes place in a post-apocalyptic Tokyo, which is portrayed to be surprisingly similar to modern-day Tokyo. The film, like many other Godzilla films, is noted for its crappy special effects, large cast of Japanese actors, and portrayal of a giant 80-ft. tyrannical dinosaur as a heroic character and role model for young children.
|Is a gigantic murderous monster||Yes||Yes|
|Is an 80-ft tall Urethra||No||Yes|
|Has graphic and inappropriate superpowers||No||Yes|
|Supports soft partitioning of the government in Iraq.||Yes||No|
|Has a cool Mecha-version of himself||Yes||No|
After the vaguely mentioned Greenland-Japanese War which ended in a nuclear holocaust, radioactive fallout brought back to life the recently deceased Godzilla whose body was being kept preserved in liquid form by rogue Japanese scientists who intended to clone the beast and use the clone against the invading Greenland Army. The Greenland Army, upon their capture of Tokyo, declared victory against the Japanese and withdrew from their occupation in other areas of Japan.
Greenland Dictator Han Pligg employed a powerful new weapon having been developed by the Greenland military: a blood thirsty 85-ft. tall urethra, known as Urethra. For years, Urethra terrorized the Japanese islands by slaughtering thousands of surviving Japanese citizens and casually wearing socks with sandals at least twice a week.
As Urethra made his way to the ruined Tokyo, Godzilla emerged. Angry and sexually frustrated, Godzilla wasted no time in making his moves on Urethra. Confused by Godzilla's sexual advances, Urethra attacked Godzilla by releasing his heinous Yellow Beam Attack. The unprepared Godzilla took a nearly lethal blow which forced him to take a step back and regain his composure. At this time, Urethra was preparing his Golden Shower Blast. The insightful Godzilla gave Urethra a quick slap with his tail, sending Urethra into a nearby building and recklessly killing dozens of people.
Urethra stood up, and the combatants circled, each wounded yet undefeated. The tension mounted. So did the smell. A moment later the battle was rejoined. For six hours Urethra and Godzilla grappled fiercely. Spectators yawned. The sun went down, the moon came up. Bob Dylan made a new album. Half a world away, Berlin was in flames.
Then Godzilla saw something on the ground. "Hey! I dropped my iPod!" he cried.
"Whoa," said Urethra, pausing in his relentless onslaught. "Careful, you don't want to step on it. Better put it back in your slime-pocket." Urethra bent down to pick up Godzilla's iPod for him...Godzilla then gave Urethra a quick haymaker, sending him sailing into a nearby elementary school.
Urethra recovered quickly from the sucker-punch and charged Godzilla, only to be met with tail in the face yet again. Urethra hastily grabbed the shaft of Godzilla's tail and began to spin him around, slamming Godzilla into several buildings before letting Godzilla go mid-spin and sending him flying into a helicopter full of small children and puppies with leukemia.
Godzilla, after hitting the helicopter and causing it to explode, landed on an orphanage on his way down and completely leveled it. Slow to get up, Godzilla was blown back once again by Urethra's White Cannon Rush which completely drenched Godzilla in white sticky fluid. As Godzilla struggled to move in the sticky white stuff, Urethra began to once again prepare his Golden Shower Blast. In nothing but sheer strength, Godzilla broke his way free from the clench of the sticky mess and bum rushed Urethra into a nearby soap factory.
Little did Godzilla know, soap was one of Urethra's weaknesses. Urethra crawled out of the rubble slightly inflamed and with a strong burning sensation. This extreme pain caused by the soap would make it very difficult for Urethra to perform any of his special attacks. Seizing the opportunity, Godzilla let loose his infamous Atomic Breath/Ray, severely damaging the already injured Urethra. Godzilla continued his assault on Urethra, landing physical blows to Urethra's head and shaft. Unable to find a weak spot, Godzilla picked up a nearby helicopter rotor. As Godzilla raised it above his head, about ready to slice Urethra in half with it, Urethra unleashed his devastating Bellend Crush followed by a Shaft Smack straight to Godzilla's abdomen.
The blows were strong enough to cause Godzilla to lose his grip on the helicopter rotor. The rotor fell and impaled Godzilla in the head. In his final moments with a helicopter rotor sticking out of his head, Godzilla fell backwards onto a nursing home where he died and his body posthumously exploded in a brilliant display of fireworks and nuclear radiation. His final words were, "Aaauuarrgh!"
Reactions & Criticism
Godzilla vs. Urethra was a success in both Japan and North America. It received praise from Rolling Stone Magazine, Heeb Magazine, and Big Scary Monsters Monthly. Even satirist Jay Leno remarked that the movie was, "Epically tragic...if not...groundbreaking..." Other critics claimed it to be "...watchable..." and "...the ... movie...". Basically, everyone loved it.
It reached and stayed at the #22 spot in Nauru and New Zealand cinemas, and reached the #30 spot in cinemas in Monaco. It failed to reach the #31 spot in Belgium where it was beaten out by the 45-minute long comedy "Apen Werpend Fecaliën" (Monkeys Throwing Feces). The film was the most recent winner of the "Best Use Of Phalli in a Motion Picture".
The film's success, as many believe, is majorly due to the wide and effective advertising for the film. Months before the film's release, Toho (the production company for the movie) spent a great deal of money on designing a life-size mechanical Godzilla. The 80 ft. robotic monster terrorized downtown Tokyo, slaughtering hundreds of innocent women, children, and pets until the movie's release.
Several notable corporations, including Nike and Pepsi, paid large amounts of cash to have their products placed in the film. Director Ryuhei Kitamura was cautious about endorsing products in in his film, and as a result, product placement was inserted in a very subtle manner. In one scene, Godzilla is seen drinking a Pepsi, wearing a Pepsi t-shirt, Nike brand shoes, and Nike sun visor. Additionally, Godzilla was also wielding a sign which had both the Nike swoosh and Pepsi logo thing and read "You buy Nike and Pepsi brands now please".
- "Epically tragic for the movie industry to have to be associated with such a worthless piece of crap. It's a shit stain on the entire industry. It's terrible, if not the utter definition of absolute crap. There is absolutely nothing groundbreaking about this film what-so-ever."
- Film critic Fooper McDicks called it "Barely watchable at all."
- "Probably the worst movie I've ever seen," said New York Times critic Madame FooFoo "Peaches" Fubar.
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