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Gravity (film)

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Gravity's pulling power.

Gravity is a 2013 science-fiction blockbuster starring Special Effects and Space Debris, with cameos from Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. It quickly became one of the top grossing movies in history, with a combined take of only $100 million less than timeless classics like Ice Age: Continental Drift and Fast & Furious 6.


In a world where global space agencies are run by incompetent nitwits and all objects lie in virtually the same orbit, NASA has taken the Space Shuttle out of retirement and is repairing the Hubble Space Telescope a second time. Generically named astronauts Ryan Stone (Bullock) and Matt Kowalski (Clooney) are joined on the mission by several other bit characters whose names neither the director nor the audience care about. Stone is a criminally incompetent PTSD case who cheated her way through astronaut training with appeals to pity over the "freak playground accident" of her daughter. Kowalski, the mission commander, is a graduate of Upper New York Pickup College and has a self-published book available on, Bang Space: How To Pick Up Chicks In Low-Earth Orbit.

With no warning during the mission, Russia decides that space is overrated and creates a deadly debris field that will render space inaccessible for centuries and which flies on a newly invented "half the orbital period as low earth orbit" trajectory, pummeling everything in its way every 90 minutes. The remainder of the shuttle crew are killed, forcing Kowalski to switch his pickup strategy from Negging to White Knight as he gives her instructions on how to reach the international space station, how to use a wrench, and how to tie her shoes.

After reaching the space station and finding no workable return capsule, Kowalski inexplicably kills himself, leaving Stone on her own to try to reach the "Chinese Station," which apparently is its official name. On the way, there's nonstop action thanks to spinning, heavy breathing, floating, talking to nobody, and more thrilling breathing. Without Kowalski present to walk her through everything, she quickly gives up and attempts to join Kowalski by turning off the life support system, but thankfully hallucinates him so that he can tell her to read the manual. Then there's more spinning, floating, and heavy breathing, plus some falling, oh, and for some reason a Greenlandic fisherman with a radio that can communicate with orbital spacecraft, and then a joyous return to earth and the soul-crushing monotony of living a meaningless life without her dead daughter.


Critical reception

Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. Looking astronautically scientific.

The film received universal, grovelling praise. Metacritic's score for the movie underwent a buffer overflow. Rotten Tomatoes began tithing its readers to present tribute to Gravity director and God-King Alfonso Cuarón. Rolling Stone movie critic Peter Travers lamented wasting his life having watched anything else. Quentin Tarantino killed himself.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Gravity (film).

The movie received praise from the scientific and space exploration community as well. Buzz Aldrin stated, "The scientific accuracy was way off, but WOW, that was AWESOME!" Niel deGrasse Tyson stated, "The scientific accuracy was way off, but WOW, that was AWESOME!" Neil Armstrong woke from the dead to praise the movie. Stephen Hawking stared listlessly forward in approval.


Gravity received 125 awards (really), including three Central Ohio Film Critics Association Awards, which is apparently a real thing. The 2013 Academy Award for Best Actor was earned by Special Effects. The award for Best Floating Dead Body went to Phaldut Sharma. Clooney received an award for his excellent portrayal of himself. Bullock was repeatedly nominated for awards as part of a mean prank.

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