“That prick owes me a line and a half.”
Voted “Sexiest Letter 2003” by People Magazine, H is one of the most popular letters, despite its dark past.
H, which is often confused with J, is the letter of the alphabet that is most commonly associated with Japan. Most things that come out of Japan start with the letter H, including Hondas, hentai, and hellacious video games. This despite the fact that there is no letter H in any of the Japanese writing systems.
The letter H was discovered chillin’ in the rec room with his homies. It was discovered in 1699, and was quickly copyrighted by a cabal of Japanese businessmen. H would later look back on the incident and say, “I guess at the time I was sort of excited. I mean, sure I was scared, but I was also excited. It’s like when I band gets discovered. But instead of a talent agent, there were four sweaty guys who get off to hand-drawn horse porn rushing at me with chloroform soaked rags.”
Like most things the Japanese get their hands on (like anime and pocky), these business men began discussing the best way to use their newly acquired letter to take over the world. Ideas included throwing it at America, shooting it at America, paying America 5 bucks to eat it and then putting the video on YouTube, and dropping in on America.
Environmentalist and then president of PETA, Bob Saget grew outraged when he learned the situation (reportedly, he found out after searching for “How to swallow for money” on YouTube). He claimed that it was unethical and illegal for anyone to copyright a living letter, and to hold it captive. After several years Saget had to sell himself into sexual slavery to continue his difficult and costly legal battle with Japan. An interesting turn of events came several years into the Arctic-American art-n-hobby metal band, Tool released a track named “H” on their CD “Things I put in my butt.” Saget commented, "It figures that a bunch of drugged-up wackos would ruin something beautiful like the letter "H."
"H" is also the name of a dangerous, incredibly muscular gang. They are to be avoided at all costs.
Finally, the Japanese figured out that the best thing to with their letter was to harness its technology and use it to create a bomb of epic proportions. After several years of research, Japanese scientists created the H-Bomb, which is short of Hiroshima bomb. The plan was to set America up the bomb, dropping it on several major cities. When detonated, the bomb would turn everyone in the blast radius into a Hiroshima citizen, an example of cultural cross-over. However, there was a mole in the uppermost levels of the Japanese government, and the U.S. Army was tipped off. The United States shot down the plane carrying the bomb shortly after take off. Ironically enough, this caused it to land directly on Hiroshima.
2007 car crash
On June 6th 2007 the letter H attended a party at the letter Z's Malibu beach house. H drove home drunk and ran off the road, crashing in to a street lamp and killing his female passenger.
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