- This article is about the books. For other uses, see Harry Potter (disambiguation)
Harry Potter is a series of seven famous fantasy fables by British author J.K. Rowling. The series tells the tale of a boy wizard who cheated death, and his two best friends as they attend a whacko boarding school of witchcraft and wizardry, learn a whole range of magical skills, and fight the dark forces of man-eating spiders, three-headed dogs, animated trees, noseless snake-like wizards, and Alan Rickman. In addition to the seven novels, the series also spawned
seven eight movies, each unimaginably better than the last.
The series brought to mankind exceptionally genuine characters and never-before-seen themes, that made first-time readers hail it as the greatest set of words to ever be collectively penned. Some of its groundbreaking ingenious concepts include a tall white-bearded wizard who serves as a mentor to the heroes, midget-like creatures called elves, companions on a journey to end all evil, and calling the main antagonist 'The Dark Lord'. Filled with no plot holes and non-cliche themes of how love triumphs above all ("all" apparently including three deadly curses, a huge evil wizard army, and the most powerful wizard that ever lived), it is one of the most successful book series of the 21st century.
Plot and setting
The central character in the series is Harry Potter, a bespeckled nerdy looking smartass kid – the type bullies like to harass – that wants to be a wizard, though he lives at a council estate in Colchester. Like British politics and FIFA, the wizarding world exists in parallel to the real world and is shrouded in secrecy. The wizarding world also bears an uncanny resemblance to The Flintstones and The Jetsons, only with magical stuff acting as consumer appliances instead of dinosaurs and '60s sci-fi robots, and just like Scooby Doo, the police are dependent on teenagers to investigate mysteries and catch criminals for them.
Potter becomes a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a wizarding academy in Scotland, where most of the events take place between midge attacks, torrential downpours and political smears by the SNP for educating 'Th’english' for free, which they made illegal for all Welsh and English Muggles. As Harry develops through his adolescence, he learns to overcome the problems that face him: magical, social and emotional, including ordinary teenage challenges such as World of Warcraft, foot-shuffling monosyllabic moods, girls, athlete’s foot and being forced to get out of bed and go outdoors occasionally.
Harry Potter is the protagonist, and the son of two German rice huskers named Morecambe and Wise as well as the youngest of the three brothers, Tom and Dick Potter. However Tom Potter turned to the dark side, and became Lord Voldemort, where he murdered his parents and Dick, and has gone after to kill Harry Potter. He is known for his nerdy glasses, massive character shield, and the peeled AC DC tattoo on his forehead. He enrolls in the Hogwarts School of Craftsmanship and Pottery to become a potter, only to end up transferred to their wizardry branch when all of his pitchers come out pouring upward.
James Potter: Harry Potter's mother's husband's son's father's cousins daughter twice removed. A popular playboy and mobster (therefore jerk), he is believed to have been killed along with Harry's mother, but actually left the story for a totally different story about surgeons during the Korean War.
Sir Ronald of Weasley is Harry's friend, best known by his peers as living proof that God doesn't exist. Beginning in book two, people call him Harry's lackey and it turns out that almost everybody thinks that is his actual name (Harry only calls him 'you'). His family forgets his real name in book four. Ronald starts his quest to tell his name to someone else, but every time he tries to say his name, something generally absurd happens and cuts the event short. People may call him 'king', but most people believe he was born in a bin.
Hermione Granger is Harry's super-hot friend. She possesses the 'plot device', a mystical artifact famed for its ability to counter the feared Wryter's Blok. As well as being the plot device, she is also a Mudblood. Usually, Mudbloods are shot on sight in the wizarding world but Dumbledore (see below) made an exception, as Hermione would ultimately act as a human shield for Harry in the second-to-last book.
Professor Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts who came out as gay. He took the position after retiring from his previous position, guide of a hobbit guerrilla army obsessed with finger jewelry. Snape kills him in book six, but who doesn't know that by now? Yeesh.
Severus Snape is Harry's mortal enemy #3 out of 10000 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 12). He is a good character deserving of your pity, unless you've read through book six, in which case he's evil. Second cousin of Miss Hardbroom from the Worst Witch novels, he kills Dumbledore in book six, but unless you've lived under a rock, you should know this several times over by now.
He Who Must Not Be Named is Harry's mortal enemy #131 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 28). We must not name him under any circumstances. Otherwise known as 'You know who' or 'that bald git with no nose' or 'Voldemort' – Damn it! Lord Voldy Woldy Mouldy Voldemort wants to kill everyone and has at least 7 pieces of his heart scattered across the globe. Rumour has it one piece was found in the Vatican in Pope Benedict's chamber pot.
Cedric Diggory ("Cedric the Entertainer") is Harry's mortal enemy #963 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 16). A prominent member of House Fluffywifflepants, his death at the hands of Wormtail is ultimately blamed on FWI (Flying While In-a-silly-named-house), something that Harry considers to be a grave miscarriage of justice. He dies and is transformed into Edward Cullen.
Draco Malfoy is Harry's mortal enemy #1822 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 22). He doesn't kill Dumbledore, but Snape does. Jeez.
Neville Longbottom is an unremarkable student that nobody likes or cares about. In reality, he had a 50-50 chance of being the main character, but unfortunately
Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named, using the questionable means of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo, decided Harry would give the series better readings, and chose him instead. Although throughout the majority of the books, Neville has no skills whatsoever and is called a noob by most of the other characters. In the seventh book, Neville manages to summon a sword from a shabby old hat to strangle a snake.
Luna Lovegood is Harry's snorkack-obsessed friend who is cooler than he will ever be!
Bellatrix Lestrange is Harry's mortal enemy #3228 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 27) whose hobbies include hating Mudbloods, torturing Mudbloods, killing Mudbloods, disemboweling Mudbloods, basket weaving, being completely annoying, and ruining everything.
Dobby, the son of Sméagol and Jar-Jar Binks, is Harry's stalker. He worked for Keebler by baking cookies until constant attacks from the Rice Crispies elves took their toll on him. He wound up dead by means of an unknown accord; while he was evaporating elsewhere, a magical disfunction imbedded a knife into his heart.
Hagrid is one of Harry's oafish and unethical teachers, whose disability (gigantism) gives him permission to take a seeing-eye dragon into public places. He leaves the series in book six to play for the Chicago Bulls.
Sirius Black is Harry's only parental figure whom became a famous rapper after Bellatrix pushed him into a mysterious curtain that transported him to East L.A.
Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child – who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days) – lives with his benevolent Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, and their slim, kind-hearted son Dudley who is always polite and gets good grades. Harry learns that his aunt and uncle are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well-hidden, Vernon and Petunia bundle Harry off to Hogwarts boarding school when he is visited in the night by Hagrid, a large bearded dwarf who tells Harry 'Yer a wizard 'Arry.'
On the drive to Hogwarts, Harry learns from Hagrid that his long-dead parents James and Lily did not in fact die in a car crash as the Dursleys lied to him. Rather, they were killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows) during the First Wizarding War, and Harry got his magical scar from his mom imprinting it on him; the power of the scar allowed Harry to survive Voldemort's assault and become "The Boy Who Lived". Hagrid and Harry stop for a bit at a pub, then Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns his parents left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that, but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity.
One feeble explanation about 'mitochondria' later and Harry's off to the Hogwarts to master in witchcraft and wizardry (and also Quidditch). He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way, he meets awkward weasel-faced Ron Weasley and know-it-all bookworm Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalise ancient works of art and murder their Self-Defence teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were 'saving the world'.
The American publication of the book was retitled Hairy Pothead: The Sorcerer's Stoned! in order to help less intelligible American audiences better understand the book, though it only served to confuse them further.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Music
Harry goes back to Hogwarts, which is stupid, considering that he could have stayed at his mean Dursleys instead of battling Voldemort and all those old weirdos. While there, [Generic Evil Spell #28193] starts terrorising the students; once every month, on the full moon, one student turns into a classical musician, usually a violinist. At the end of the year, Harry opens a door in the girls' bathroom (for reasons best not disclosed) and discovers a chamber (not that kind!).
Inside the chamber, Harry discovers a younger Voldemort calling himself Tom Riddle. He defeats him easily; however, behind him are four violinists, one pianist, one cellist, one bassist, and one cymbalist: a recipe for pure pain. Harry hates classical music so much that he sits with his ears covered for five minutes of page-turning pain. Summoning his courage, he does his bravest deed yet: uncover his ears and yell, 'Could you keep it down?!' After informing the violinists (Penelope Clearwater, Hermione, Seamus Finnigan, and Nearly Headless Nick), pianist (Filch's cat), cellist (Dean Thomas), bassist (Colin Creevey), and cymbalist (Neville Longbottom), they are freed.
An unauthorized Dutch version of the book was released a month after, called Harry and the Chamber of Pot. In addition to minor (and pointless) spelling changes, this version also features a unique subplot involving Hermione's physics degree. The ripoff proved so intriguing that it, and not the original, was adapted for DVD. J.K. Rowling was so infuriated over the obvious copyright infringement that she purchased every copy of the direct-to-video creation, using them as Christmas gifts for his less-overtly-enthusiastic fans.
Harry Potter and the Plot Twist of Azkaban
When Harry senses a thousand voices 'crying out, and suddenly silenced', he goes to investigate. It turns out that notorious murderer Sirius "Seriously Jet Black-Haired" Black, the one who allegedly betrayed Harry's parents to Voldemort leading to their deaths, has escaped from Azkaban prison and has used his magical powers of mass hypnosis to try to break the world 'simultaneous interrupted scream by a crowd of people' record. Determined to thwart this evil genius, Harry returns to Hogwarts, and along the way he has several close brushes with Dementors, ghostly cops draped in black (which automatically makes them the bad guys) who enjoy sucking out people's souls.
New teachers are introduced in this installment. Along with gay werewolf Prof. Lupin (no relation to The Third) who, quite convenient for Harry, knew Harry's dad who always took him out at night (if you know what I mean), there's also Prof. Trelawney who can predict the future, which Hermione calls bullshit. Somehow, she's seen werewolves, flying cars, people turning into animals, animate trees, moving stairs, animate paintings, a three-headed dog, and even has a damn time machine necklace which is used to save the day, and yet predicting the future is impossible for her?
Ron discovers that his pet rat Scabbers is actually Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew, one of Voldemort's Death Eaters who has been trying to sleep with Ron for the past three years. Wormtail was a childhood friend of Harry's parents but ultimately betrayed them leading to their deaths, then zapped up twelve muggles on a highway overpass while escaping and framed Sirius for this; as it turns out, Sirius was the good guy all along, and is in truth Harry's godfather. The gang apprehend him but then Lupin uncontrollably turns into his werewolf form as the moon rises and scratches up Harry and pals, allowing Wormtail to escape. Harry is taken to the hospital where he learns that Sirius has been sentenced to soul-sucking by the Dementors. Fortunately, Harry uses Hermione's
deus ex machina time-turner necklace to go back in time and save Hagrid's pet bird Buckwheat from being put to sleep, and the bird carries Sirius to safety. Unfortunately, Lupin is forced to resign because of his little episode, but tells Harry they'll meet again.
Different regional printings of the book include variations that suited the local nationality, including title and content changes. In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Uzbekistan, Harry is arrested for speaking against Islam Karimov and is boiled alive until he confesses to being an Islamic radical (but ultimately, he is served as soup for Karimov's dinner). In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Afghanistan, Harry is locked inside a metal shipping crate in the sun and left for dead. In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Turkmenistan, Harry accidentally offends Turkmenbashi due to the wording of a spell and is imprisoned for blasphemy. Other copies include Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Bay also known as Harry Potter and the Iraq Incident in which Voldemort sells Harry to US Marines as a Taliban combatant; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib where Harry is stripped naked and forced to cast spells on his privates; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of North Vietnam where Harry's Nimbus 2000 is blown out of the sky by a SA-2 attached to a blodger; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Finland in which Harry can't tell that he's in prison except for the constant reminders that if he ran away, the government would be 'very hurt'; and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Amazon, in which Harry is captured by Amazon.com and sent to Voldemort in a Amazon.com shipping crate disguised as a Samsung computer.
Harry Potter and the Giblets on Fire
While Harry dreams about a quaint old British man who gets killed by Voldemort, the Weasleys rudely barge into Harry's house and take him and Hermione to the Quidditch World Cup, where a majority British audience cheer on the Irish to victory. Unfortunately, the
Ku Klux Klan Death Eaters attack and burn down the tent city where the Quidditch Cup is being hosted, and it's off to Hogwarts we go.
This year, Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, where three students from three wizarding schools fight in three different events. At Halloween, the students submit their names in the Goblet of Fire; the three picks are Cedric Diggory, the popular guy from Hogwarts; Fleur Delacour, the token cute French girl; and Viktor Krum, the Soviet boy who represents the working class's discontent with the current dichotomy. That last sentence contains more words than those three speak in the entire book. However, it additionally gives a fourth name – Harry Potter – leading to Dumbledore
yelling at Harry if he put his name in the Goblet of Fiyah while slamming him into a table calmly asking Harry if he put his name in the Goblet of Fire, and legally binding Harry to compete in the hellish tournament.
In a subplot, Harry becomes the victim of a smear campaign by Rita Skeeter of The Daily Prophet, which reveals he has dubious personal dancing habits. He is coerced into having "private lessons" with the official school mandolinist, Professor Drape, and narrowly escapes from a teenage romance with Fleur through the tactful deployment of a magic tesla coil. Harry also discovers that a group of anti-dementor protesters have adopted him as their official patron, and sets about prosecuting them over the rights to his image.
In the Triwizard Tournament, the students fight dragons, mermaids, and finally evil hedge rows in order to win the cup, all the while Harry is being helped by his obviously evil Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Mad-Eye Moody. Harry and Cedric touch the cup at the same time and are transported to a graveyard, where Wormtail kills Cedric and resurrects Voldemort with Harry's blood. Harry duels Voldemort then scrambles away with the help of his parents' ghosts, and escapes back to Hogwarts with the help of a
deus ex machina Portkey.
Back at Hogwarts, Harry discovers that Moody is self-licking Death Eater Barty Crouch, Jr. and the real Moody was kidnapped; Barty is sentenced to death-by-kissing from the Dementors. Dumbledore holds a feast in Cedric's memory as the school year ends and the Second Wizarding War begins, though the ineffectual Minister of Magic
Tony Blair Cornelius Fudge tries to keep tabs on it to prevent public hysteria. Oh, and Malfoy turns into a ferret and goes into some guy's pants.
Harry Potter and the Organization of the Birdy Buddy
With the death of Cedric Diggory and the return of Voldemort leaving everyone rather glum, Harry is awkwardly thrusted into the world of war when he meets the Order of the Phoenix, a sort-of wizard Justice League named after Dumbledore's pet phoenix Fawkes. The Order comprises old characters like reformed Gary Oldman lookalike Sirius,
gay bisexual werewolf Lupin, and googly-eyed middle-aged man who was captured and replaced by an evil clone in the last book Mad-Eye Moody, plus new ones like deep-voiced black guy Kingsley "Dumbledore's Got Style" Shacklebolt, noted for his silly Kwanzaa hat. Oh, and Harry's also put on trial in wizard court for performing magic off school grounds, but he's found unguilty, so it's really a waste of time.
In this year, Hogwarts suffers the loss of its two best characters, Fred and George Weasley, who dropped out of school to open up a prank shop. Stealing two brooms from caretaker Filch (while he was trying to mop up the swamp they'd conjured up in the hallway), the brothers escaped Hogwarts and took their "business" to South America. However, Just Kidding Rowling compensates for this loss with the introduction of two equally bizarre characters, spacey Hot Topic chick Luna Lovegood and Lupin's lover Nymphadora Tonks (who prefers only to be known by her last name, as her first name sounds embarassingly close to "nymphamaniac". The name "Lovegood" isn't much better, now that I think of it).
The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Prof. Dolores Umbridge, is a real nasty piece of work, and forces Harry to write essays whose words cut wounds into his arms. She soon converts the school into a police state, replete with a student KGB and banning of all extracurricular activities, and Dumbledore flees the school, forcing Harry and his nerd friends to find a new way to effectively defend against the Dark Arts. Thus, Harry forms a secret club called Dumbledore's Army (which isn't actually an army or run by Dumbledore), wherein he and other nerds – wait for it – LEARN, with a series of obligatory training sequences. He also develops yellow fever for his club buddy Cho Chang, the only Asian in the Harry Potter universe, but she ultimately rejects Harry, instilling in children everywhere an important message: Asians cannot be trusted.
Finally, Harry and Hermione get back at child-hater Cum-Bitch while they're out on a walk in the Forbidden Forest, using the "Accio giants!" charm causing giants to come and take her away. The book climaxes with Harry and pals breaking into the Ministry of Magic's Department of Secrets to find some prophecy/MacGuffins and rescue Sirius, as Harry had visions of him supposedly being in danger. Unfortunately, this turns out to be another waste of Harry's time, as Sirius is killed by psycho bitch Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange and falls through a shower curtain that's apparently the most secret thing in the wizarding world. As it turns out, this was all a trap set by Voldemort, and he prepares to deliver a killing blow to Harry. Luckily, Dumbledore returns from hiding and engages in a death-defying battle with The Dark Lord, but the villain escapes. Cornelius Fudge then arrives on the scene in his PJs, mad that his nap was interrupted and that Voldemort's return and the Second Wizarding War are now public knowledge.
Returning to Hogwarts, Harry gets all emo over Sirius's death and seems to have left caps lock on for the majority of what he says; that, or he has anger-management problems (understandable when your godfather just died). Harry then learns from Dumbledore that he was chosen over token unlucky student Neville Longbottom to be the series' main character, wherupon he seeks out Neville and teases him endlessly. Dumbledore also provides an unexpected plot-twisting revelation: "Harry, Voldemort is out to kill you. You and him are spiritual equals, neither can live while the other survives." The book ends with Harry sucking up his tears and realising he must kill Voldy before Voldy kills him, setting the stage for the final showdown.
A lighter-hearted, alternative version of the book was released in America, for young readers who just couldn't take the sadness of Sirius's death. It's called Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix and it's about Harry and the gang trying to figure out why the phoenix smells so bad. It turns out someone bewitched his ashes!
Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known as the Half-Blood Prince
It's Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts, and Voldemort is definitely back with a vengeance, which is annoying as by now Harry should be thinking less about saving the world and more about girls and smoking behind the bike shed. Instead, Harry finds his world of magic is yet again changing for the worse and Ofsted are starting to breathe down the necks of senior management. Wizards, witches, and Muggles are dying at the jaws of Voldemort's Death Eaters despite the non-efforts of the still-ineffectual Ministry of Magic to stop them. Double maths on a Friday is disrupted now that the war has started up, leaving the students struggling with trig and basic equations.
In spite of all the danger, Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to Hogwarts, resigned to the fact they will probably never be accountants now and have to face a career of sitting in a teepee on the outskirts of a small village curing warts instead. They get yet another Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Snape, who they admit, always seemed a bit wobbly when it came to deciding whether he should be good or evil or whatever. They begin their N.E.W.T. exam classes in preparation for life after Hogwarts, and Harry gets some much-needed Potions help from the mysterious Half-Blood Prince. The term sees the re-introduction of the Slug Club, for nerds that prefer racing slugs to hanging around in town, begging for a local to buy them a half-bottle of vodka.
In the meantime, Harry questions his own feelings for Ron's younger sister Ginny, while trying to understand the effect it is having on his friends, who he will likely instantly outgrow once he finally feels Ginny's warm embrace. Yet while life at Hogwarts continues, the deaths also continue, with someone trying to bring murder weapons into Hogwarts, despite the plethora of lethal spells and mortally powerful magic wands, in the hands of out-of-control children. Danger seems to lurk around every corner, and Harry is as determined as ever to unmask it. Dumbledore takes Harry under his guidance and together they explore Lord Voldemort's past, a job that should have been done by the Department of Education before employment, to find a way to stop him before it's too late. Harry also learns about Horcruxes, everyday objects containing pieces of Voldemort's soul, and also the Elder Wand, a super-wand owned by Dumbledore.
In the end, it turns out that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince and that he was a double-agent for Voldemort this whole time. He (spoiler alert!) KILLS DUMBLEDORE and flees as the Death Eaters torch Hogwarts. After Dumbledore's funeral, Harry is so bummed out that he decides he won't be attending Hogwarts next year, and instead will go on a rousing camping trip in England looking for Voldemort's horcruxes.
J.K. Rowling revealed to The New York Times that the book's original title was Harry Potter and the SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE, but felt that was too much of a giveaway. She also grappled with the title Harry Potter and the Land of Awkward Adolescent Embarrassment, but felt the book already said that for itself.
Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows
When we last left the wizarding world, DUMBLEDORE GOT KILLED BY SNAPE, Malfoy constantly cried like a bitch, Voldemort went hog wild with his evil plans, and Harry finally started macking on Ginny (as if embarrassing his poor friend Ron with all his fame wasn't enough). After the usual exposition with Harry saying goodbye to the Dursleys, a wedding is held between Ron's brother Bill, and Fleur (the French chick from Giblets on Fire), but the Death Eaters show up and it all goes to pot. Harry, Ron, and Hermione escape and camp out in the English forests looking for Voldemort's Horcruxes; if you destroy all of the Horcruxes, Voldemort dies for good, apparently.
Meanwhile, Voldemort and his gang of black-cloaked skinheads kill the Minister of Magic and assume control of the wizard government. Colin Creevy, Dobby, Fred Weasley, Hedwig, Lupin, Mad-Eye Moody, Nancy Benoit, Tonks, Wormtail, and some other people die, some stuff with the aforementioned Deathly Hallows happens, and Hogwarts gets turned into Auschwitz as Voldemort leads his army of the righteous in a crusade against all wizards, witches, muggles, squibs, and innocent bystanders in funny hats. After destroying the other horcruxes like Voldemort's iPod, Harry and friends learns that one of the last horcruxes is Voldemort's pet snake Nagini, so they return to Hogwarts. There, they reluctantly save Draco and his foppish friends after they set the Room of Requirement alight, then the gang goes to the Hogwarts greenhouse where Voldemort and Snape are chilling out. Unexpectedly, SNAPE DIES when Voldy gets sick of him and has Nagini bite him to death.
Harry learns from Snape's memories that he was in love with Harry's mom Lily, but practiced the Dark Arts and hung out with Voldemort, and also slipped up and accidentally called her a
nigger mudblood, both of which led to her leaving Snape for Harry's dad James. Later, Snape fucked up again, revealing to Voldemort the prophecy of the boy who could defeat The Dark Lord (Snape didn't know it was Lily's son), which of course lead to Voldy ordering the fly-by shooting of Harry's parents. Saddened over Lily's death, Snape then worked as a double-agent for Dumbledore to protect Harry from Voldy, mostly because Harry had his mother's eyes. All these years Snape put up with Harry and his little shit friends because he felt guilty over Lily's death, while doing chores for Dumbledore like doing his laundry, getting him a soda, posing as a Death Eater, and killing him because he was getting sick of life after 116 years.
Harry then finds out he's one of the Horwhatzitz, and realizes he has no choice but to let Voldemort kill him. Harry goes to the Forbidden Forest where he meets the spirits of Sirius Oldman, Bi Werewolf, and his parents, who comfort him by saying death feels totally painless, and they're so proud of all he's done so far blah blah blah. Harry then goes to Voldy, seemingly surrenders, and allows The Dark Lord to use the Killing Curse on him. In the afterlife of Limbo, which apparently looks like a white version of King's Cross Station, Harry meets Dumbledore, who informs him that, rather conveniently, the horcrux part of him was destroyed when Voldemort killed him. Harry is then given the choice to stay dead or return to life, and as expected, he done gone and resurrected himself, selfishly not wanting to spend time with his parents and old friends.
Thus begins the final, final, final battle. Voldemort announces Harry's death and demands the folks of Hogwarts to surrender. However, Harry reveals himself to be alive, and the two tango across the castle, with their faces morphing together as they tussle. Meanwhile, Ron's mom Molly kills finally kills psycho bitch Bellatrix Lestrange after she threatens Ginny, and Neville stops being useless when he draws the Sword of Gryffindor and kills the Nagini, saving Ron and Hermione. With all the horcruxes gone, Moldy Voldy becomes mortal; he shoots a Killing Curse at Harry, but it rebounds, culminating in Voldemort's death by... disintegration, a rather lame way to go out. After the battle, Harry explains to Ron and Hermione that in the last book, Draco disarmed Dumbledore, and since Dumbledore was the master of the Elder Wand, Draco became the owner of it. And Harry disarmed Draco at some point in this book, meaning, uh... Harry controls the Elder Wand now and its curses rebound off him? As a result of this plot twist, the
Rebel Alliance Hogwarts folks bring down the Imperials Death Eaters, the Death Star Voldemort is blown up disintegrated, the Second Wizarding War is over, and all is well.
In the epilogue, Hogwarts is purified and converted to a megachurch under the pastorship of Rev. Kingsley Shacklebolt; the hippogriffs are captive-bred for poultry; Hedwig creates a political stir over logging in the Pacific Northwest; Harry's money is seized by the Inland Revenue for payment of back taxes; Kreacher is relocated to a Malaysian sweatshop; and everyone shags a lot and has kids. Harry and Ginny have three kids: James, Albus Severus, and Lily; guess Ginny had no say in what to name her own children ('Harry, maybe we could name him Fre—' 'NO.'). Ron and Hermione also shacked up and made some poverty-stricken children. Even Draco found a woman/beard to have his child! In the end, we see the children being sent off to Hogwarts, where Harry tells Albus Severus he's named after brave men (Snape being 'the bravest'; how is he brave for being all Gerard Way about Lily Potter?), and they all live happily ever after.
- Harry Potter and the Deadly Bellows: Queen Victoria returns to head Hogwarts, and all ragamuffin orphans like Harry are put in their place, working in a workhouse with lax safety standards, making bespoke monocles for gentlefolk.
- Harry Potter and Dudley's Tallow: Desperate for replacement suet for a candle-enchanting spell required to graduate from Hogwarts, Harry finds an unexpected source in his oft-annoying cousin.
Contributions to the Occult
Only a month after the first book hit the shelves, Satanic spies that were planted in the Christian churches of America took notice of how popular the books were. Wanting to take advantage of the opportunity, they came to meet at a Burger King in Little Rock, Arkansas, to discuss how to take advantage of the newest craze. This meeting would later be known as 'Satan's Rally of 97'.
The members of Satan's rally bounced ideas off each other, trying to figure out how to use the otherwise harmless fantasy story about a boy coming of age to promote their goals of indoctrinating the youngest of their congregation into the occult. Reverend Jim Carrey, halfway through the night, finally brought up the idea of using Reverse Psychology. They would make it seem that Rowling was meaning to indoctrinate the children into the Church of Satan, and they would meanwhile demonize her.
Since kids are little idiots and will indulge in whatever they are not allowed to have, this plan worked wonders for the Satanic community. Children across the country were buying the books behind the backs of their parents. Since the church-seeded spies insisted that reading the books would turn the people who read them into witches, the children were not far behind in following those orders.
Although Rowling was upset at the slander at first, she soon found out that her books were more popular than ever before. Her morals were soon drowned out by the large pile of money that she sleeps on to this very day.