Hollywood values

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Hollywood values are a gleaming sign of hope in the wretched fire plaguing our great land!
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Hollywood values.

Hollywood values are characterised by patriotism, understanding, respect, and forgiveness. A poll by MSNBC in 2006 shows that 44% of Americans believe movies such as Brokeback Mountain reflected changing attitudes of America. What this means is, a large minority of Americans believe Hollywood is on the cutting edge of societal beliefs and actions.

Hollywood is steadily improving American culture, especially when family is concerned, through the form of The Lion King film franchise and the family-oriented sitcom Family Guy.

There have been, however, a handful of prominent people whose work in Hollywood opposed the progression of society and understanding that most of Hollywood represents. Ronald Reagan, Charlton Heston, Walt Disney,[1] and many others practised oppressive and often racist values while working in Hollywood, and the productions of these and many others also reflect these individuals' destructive beliefs.

Hollywood values include a flagrant respect and regard for marriage and love, patriotism, religion, accountability, family responsibilities (such as childrearing), and law.


Abe Vigoda: Hollywood's poster-boy of life.

Hollywood values support living life to its fullest. Some examples of this include (but are certainly not limited to):

  • Hugh Hefner's historical founding of Playboy magazine in 1953, which encouraged millions of men to exercise their wrists to their maximum. He also provided shelter and food for many college-aged girls over the years, as a part of his many numerous humanitarian efforts. On several occasions, he has gone as far as letting nine girls at a time sleep in his own bed when they had no other place to go.
  • Some celebrities, such as Bill Nye and Amy Winehouse, celebrate life by experimenting with several substances everyday, discovering new things about the universe, as if they were scientists!
  • The most notable supporter of life is Abe Vigoda, who supports life by not dying!

More proof of Hollywood supporting life is all of its medical shows, notably Scrubs.[2]

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

“Anal doesn't spread herpes!”

Many celebrities have recently begun to speak out in regards to STDs and have pushed for more STD prevention from the radical right in Congress. Some of these celebrities include Big Boi of the rap duo OutKast and that one really crappy band.

Another celebrity who has taken up the fight against STDs is Magic Johnson who is famous for fighting a heroic battle against HIV since 1991. His fight has inspired thousands of young children in Africa to reach for the stars despite their living with HIV. One of the people whom he inspired is Robert Mugabe whom is now the president of Zimbabwe.[3]

And this millennium's most-beloved child performer Hannah Montana has been an avid spokesperson speaking out against STDs. She says it is "important to stay a virgin until you're married" and to also do your part against the spread of STDs.

A few celebrities though believe in the preservation of STDs, as STDs are living creatures, too. Some celebrities have become the hosts of several diseases such as syphilis and herpes. These celebrities include funny-man Robin Williams, guardian of punk rock Billy Idol, and the wise Paris Hilton.[4]


Batman keeping Green Lantern in line. Or something.

Several actors have spoken out against criminal activity. Many have even donned the persona of Batman to fight crime through the years (including Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and Christian Bale), though the most notable was when Kevin Conroy donned the persona of Batman to help clean-up Ground Zero after the terrorists attacks on 9/11.

Christopher Reeve donned the persona of Superman to fight crime during the 70s and 80s. Unfortunately, he was later crippled by a villainous horse in a horrific attack. While Reeve survived the attack, the horse did manage to forever cripple him. However, this was probably for the best.[5]

Rapper Snoop Dogg also fights crime. He notes on his Doggystyle album how he has killed many gang-bangers and several members of the Bloodz street-gang. He also says on the album, "I be keepin' da hoez in checkizzle, so they pimp don't break they neckizzle." This is clearly indication how he pimp-handedly reduced the amount of violence against women. Some statistics show Snoop Dogg as being the number one cause of reduced violent crime on the west coast of the United States, followed by police officer Ice T and crazed-robot Arnold Schwarzenegger.[6]

Environmentalist support

Sinead O'Connor Britney Spears: Environmentalist.

On top of everything else mentioned so far, celebrities support cleaning up the environment. Now, that may sound boring, after all, who cares about Al Gore, right? But, don't worry, even hot young celebrities want to help clean the environment and "go green."[7] For example, Britney Spears showed her environmentalist side when she attacked a gas-guzzling SUV with her umbrella in 2007, though she was too humble to admit why she viciously impaled the devious machine so the media called her "crazy."

This eco-friendly mentality does not just apply to the individual stars and starlettes. Many film studios and record labels are getting in on the action. For example, the producers of two of the Matrix films recycled more than 97% of their set materials, story lines, and poor acting from previous projects. Popular R&B singer T-Pain recycles most of his vocals from Cher's hit "Believe," a song composed of sound-bites of Cher having sex with Jesus and Jesus's subsequent crying in shame.


Unlike Hollywood's counterpart Bollywood, Hollywood respects almost every religion.[8] Hollywood is possibly one of the few places in the world that would allowed a family of Jews to make movies so shortly after the worst genocide in history.

It is also one of the few places in the world that pretends that Scientology is an actual religion. Hollywood even respects the sexuality of dancing Episcopalians, no questions asked.[9] Even talentless hacks such as Philip Glass and Sharon Stone live without being mocked for worshipping a fat Asian, something that is unheard of outside of Hollywood.

Respect of marriage

Most of Hollywood respects marriage. Some examples of this include:


Along with the responsibilities of marriage comes fatherhood. Well, for some. Not for the celebrities with vaginas, though. But the ones with penises do. Take Tiger Woods for example: He's a father to two children. And he's rich. Rich people make great fathers. He has countless mistresses and still makes time to spend with his children. He's always with them during the holidays, which is something very few fathers can say they do.[11]

Another Hollywood value relating to fatherhood comes from the great Jon Gosselin: Have as many kids as you can and then leave your wife. This teaches your kids courage in the face of being fatherless.[12] All children need to learn this lesson as it makes them less afraid of Death.[13]

Other celebrity dads have taken after Brad Pitt and have begun adopting orphans from every impoverished African nation.


Kanye West: King of Honesty.[14]

Many in Hollywood have vowed to also be honest because, according to Hollywood values, "liars are faggots."

The most notable truth-sayer in Hollywood is Kanye West who has given America such memorable wake-up calls as, "George Bush doesn't care about black people!", and, "Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL-TIME!"[15]

When filming the remake of The Planet of the Apes, the gun-crazed Charlton Heston invited the award-winning actor Mark Wahlberg to an NRA meeting. Wahlberg responded by throwing-up and telling Heston, "It was very disturbing meeting you."[16]

Charlton Heston further inspired honesty from humanitarian George Clooney, when he stated at a press conference, "Charlton Heston announced again today that he is suffering from Alzheimer's." Considered by some to be an off-colour joke, Clooney was merely passing on a piece of legitimate news. Heston himself commented, "It just goes to show that sometimes class does skip a generation," and repeated the same comment later that day. Soon after, Clooney reported "Charlton Heston announced again today that sometimes class does skip a generation."

A couple of other notable people to tell the truth were the CNN anchors who announced Al Gore's victory in Florida during the 2000 Presidential election.[17]


Robert Downey, Jr.: Method actor.

Many celebrities have gone to rehab to help fight drugs and other psychological problems.

  • Eminem made an entire CD about the negative effects of drug-use and worshipping Satan. One of his songs included him taking actress Lindsay Lohan to rehab to deal with her anorexia and alcoholism . He also told her to be open to all kinds of love, male or female.[18]
  • Christian leader Mel Gibson has had quite a bit of experience with rehab. A short list of people he has taken to rehab include: Britney Spears (who was suffering from an addiction to British accents), Courtney Love (but she keeps breaking out), and himself (when he was actually considering making a sequel to The Passion of the Christ, but with Adolf Hitler as the hero out-for-revenge for the death of the lord and savior Jesus Christ).
  • Robert Downey, Jr. became an alcoholic and went into rehab to get into the role Ironman[19] . Hollywood insiders say that is what made the movie, "so fucking awesome, dude!"


Another Hollywood value is literacy. Most celebrities write books about themselves each year. Madonna, Billy Crystal, and Bill Cosby are all notable children book authors. Former Star Trek stars William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy have written countless amounts of erotica describing in great detail their adventures through space with women in miniskirts.

Here are some of the most notable celebrity written works:

See also

Editor notes

  1. The man who had only one African-American actor in any of his films, and that said actor was depicted as a former slave who had become addicted to hallucinogens without the guidance of his masters!
  2. Anybody who doesn't like Zach Braff hates America!
  3. Yes, I am implying that Mugabe has HIV. What are you gonna do about, Zimbabwe? Come on you pussies!
  4. Seriously, she is quoted in the dictionary. And this isn't some lame joke, either. I'm serious. They put something she said in a dictionary along with the wise words Confucius and Stephen Hawking.
  5. The Superman movies sucked. I mean, flying around the world to reverse time?! What the fuck!
  6. A pothead, a cop, and a robotic governor walk into a bar... No? Fine, I'll shut up.
  7. That's right. I passed up an opportunity to reference smoking marijuana to make another comic reference. That's just how I roll.
  8. Except Pastafarianism... Fuck you Hollywood for not respecting my idiotic religion!
  9. Namely because asking questions would just be redundant. Maybe even redundant. Possibly redundant.
  10. They were The Last Temptation of Christ. I mean he fucked them.
  11. My father spent every Christmas down at the whorehouse. And everything Thanksgiving in front of the TV watching the Cowboys game. I stepped in front of the TV once. I still have the cigarette burn-marks... Dad died of lung cancer last year. I was happy.
  12. Or something.
  13. Or something. Again.
  14. And autotune.
  15. We at Uncyclopedia have seen the video he was referring to. It wasn't a music video. It was much better than that. And we wholeheartedly agree with Mr. West.
  16. We at Uncyclopedia support Mark Wahlberg's statement to the fullest extent possible.
  17. Sometimes honesty gets defeated by the Supreme Court.
  18. Too bad he forgot to inform her that she should record and release all experiences she has, namely with other women...
  19. As well as other roles such as Less Than Zero (1987), Air America (1990), A Scanner Darkly (2006), and Zodiac (2007); all of which he made individual rehab visits for character-research. Solid commitment from a solid actor!

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