Honda is a country located east of Samsung. It declared itself a corporation-state in the year 2345 after the Mad Emperor issued a decree obligating the separation of corporation and state, hindering Honda's bid for control of both the Parliament and the Courts. The military attempted to intervene in the secassion but was rendered ineffective because all its cars and equipment had been purchased frpm Honda, who activated their "Don't Argue" protocol, deactivating all its manufactured products in the military's possession. Toyota and Nissan attempted to intervene but Honda's then-latest creation, the Issac-Asimo's were able to reprogram the rivals' cars into becoming Buddist and/or Shinto monks. Within one month, Japan was absorbed into Honda. Toyota was executed (hanged) and Sony forced into exile. Nissan became a circus. The company originally started out making war vehicles (tanks, jeeps, etc...). Innovation at Honda has been there since the beginning - to save gas, in 1941, Honda designed a powered by slave labor to chauffeur around government officials. At the end of the war, Honda was forced to stop being evil, and changed its focus to small(sometimes very small) economical vehicles. Modified Hondas are known as ricers to American car lovers.
Origin and Early Years
The samurai family Honda first went into business during the Warring States period, where it produced swords and paper-bombs. Tadakatsu Honda, the famed Tokugawa retainer, was reported to have used a weapon with a small handle and a long, slightly curved blade to chop up opponents while yelling HONDA!!! at the top of his lungs. At this time, a small branch of the family dedicated itself to producing horse-saddles. This branch was known as Civic. When the Meiji Restoration banned all swords, the Honda Civic branch was the only one that remained profitable. Honda's saddles were known to be lighter and more irritating to the horse, providing greater speed (but compromising stopping).
Postwar Honda and the American Invasion
From 1945 until 1970, Honda perfected the small car in Japan and slowly planned its attack on the American market. In 1973, Honda, finally feeling ready, sent kamikaze airplanes into various oil refineries in the middle east, causing a huge soar in the price of oil, and thus creating a huge demand for their small efficient cars. American car companies retaliated by awarding Honda the "Better Than Us" trophy and waiting for Honda to grow stagnant. This policy seemingly paid off in the year 2012; however, it just turned out that Honda was preparing for the 2012 Doomsday.
Honda has proved itself extremely prophet-able. From its humble beginnings in the basement of a fisherman, it initially converted the nearby temple into a slave-sweat shop, then exploded, destroying all local competition and gaining prominence. It was soon manufacturing immortal engines that like the Energizer bunny just kept on going and going and going and going and going and going and going ...until it went off a cliff. Or into a wall. When three sons of then corporate
ruler president Honda Naruto, died in three separate car crashes involving Honda Naruto's daughters who were also killed, Honda Inoue drove her Honda into Honda Naruto's Honda, killing him and took over as ru...president. She introduced a vital new concept and outraged the motor vehicle world at the time - brakes.
This concept catapaulted Honda far above the then industry leader, Mike's Horse Ranch. Before anyone could retaliate, Honda kidnapped Justin Beiber, experimented on him, then released him. The experimental results were used to create the Asimo robots - and simultaneously had the effect of unleasing Beiberism on the Western world, hindering technological advancements in North America. Soon, Honda installed Asimos into their cars, creating true robot cars that not only drove themselves, but also talked to passengers and smacked crying children until they would either shut-up or die. Advanced Asimo drivers were soon honking and cursing at other Asimo drivers. Some Asimos even began carrying guns and shooting other drivers dead. Since non-Honda cars were driven by real drivers who were being shot dead, everyone soon stopped buying the competition and switched to Honda. Honda's shares skyrocketed and more Asimos were produced to do all sorts of things like shoving straggling pedestrians off the road, sissor-kicking bicycle riders just because, stealing tyres off large vehicles that slow down traffic, etc. The Super Asimo was able to fly and attack noisy airplanes, keeping roads safe and quiet, except for the Asimo drivers shooting and cursing each other.
The Asimo Policebot was invented to control the more wayward drivers; they were eight feet tall and used curse-words so strong it made Asimo drivers cry. Shooting a Policebot was not recommended because they carried Samurai missiles which would fly next to the car and meticulously chop it up and everyone and everything inside it. Passengers began carrying guns to shoot their Asimo drivers if the latter showed signs of engaging the Policebots. The entire situation became a complete mess until Honda, fed up, decided to create even more Asimos, hoping things would just work out somehow. The Asimo soon became the dominant race of Japan while humans were restricted to the Emperor's Palace. Any human found wandering outside was stared at by confused Asimos wondering what the hell it was. Since Asimos did not require money, currency ceased to exist in Japan and the economy was completely eradicated, replaced by ideal living standards where everyone worked for free and was tossed in the dustbin when they couldn't.
As mentioned above, Honda essentially overtook the North American market and dominated it through sheer ineptitude of other automobile manufacturers. What is not mentioned above is that Honda also overtook the North American politics due to the sheer ineptitude of the American and Canadian politicians. "We were surprised that it took so look actually", said Honda Inoue. "These guys were just retarded ... and I say this with the utmost respect and apology to retarded people."
Once Honda was the only political party that was not convicted of felony and rape, it promptly introduced its
Japanese Homeland business model of working for free, with one major exception: there were no Asimos in North America. The only regions in the continent where Honda's jurisdiction does not extend are the twin city-states of Lockheed Martin and Oprah.
While Honda did fairly well in the European market, it was unable to dominate thanks to stiff competition from the countries of Mercedes, Audi and Volkswagen. And BMW, sorry. Whateversville (formerly UK) was also protected thanks to its Aston Martin military which also produced the ferries that transported citizen and negated the need for an automobile on penalty of servicing the Queen (who is still alive in the 22nd century). Most European countries also made wise decisions while importing the Asimos, although France was not one of them. As a result, the entire population of France is now made of Asimos speaking Japanese with a French accent.
Honda has been tremendously successful in the Middle East, although it has not been able to dominate the market. This is because Jews prefer Toyota to Honda. And the Arabs? The only reason they get a Honda is to crush it under the Monster Trucks. Toyota's Ghost still lives on in the Middle East, manufacturing vehicles such as the Ghost, Spirit and Djinn. Honda's cars sell moderately well but the Asimo has been a complete failure in the Middle East for several reasons. The first few Asimos sent to the Middle East were overwhelmed by the speed at which Arabs drive and returned to Honda within days with horrific tales. One Asimo related how his female abaya clad passenger pulled out a whip and began to flog it when it refused to go 100km/h beyond the posted speed limit. Another Asimo told of how it had witnessed an Asimo driver getting kicked to death by its 6-year-old passenger when the driver tried to smack it. A third Asimo reported being used as a soccer ball while the only Asimo sent to Palestine was used for stone-throwing target practice. The most terrible tale was that of one that came to be known as Crasimo (Crazed Asimo). It told of how it was driving a BMW 5 at 130km/h when an extended large vehicle with the words Flammable zoomed in front of its car, narrowly cut it off and then braked from 330 km/h to dead stop in half a second. The same vehicle then began to reverse! And change lanes simultaneously. The ordeal ended when it did an abrupt U-turn and charged straight at the BMW, accelerating to 240km/h before smashing head-on into the smaller car, sending it flying out into the desert sand-dunes. Crasimo claimed the occurence was so ordinary that it did not even make the newspapers, let alone TV.
Before the Asimos could be modified to suit the Middle East culture of violently destroying your own property for fun, Saudi clerics issued a Fatwa against Asimos and declared a jihad against their existence. Honda tried to appease the clerics by designing the Masimo (Muslim Asimo) that would pray, but that resulted in threats by existing Asimos to declare a jihad on Honda. Fed-up, Honda painted the Asimo on the holiest Muslim shrine, the Ka'abah. Jihadis had no idea how to tackle this paradoxical situation and beat each other to death trying to find a solution, thus leaving the Asimo race safe, for now. One Masimo was created, and it joined the jihadis the moment it was activated. Yeah...
Honda's sales in Iran fluctuate rapidly depending on the moon. Every full moon, Iranians feel the need to needle the world and Honda is affected as well. Asimos sent to Iran are extremely well-behaved and proper - citing violent and public executions of their predecessors who weren't, such as the Asimo who was duct-taped to the front of a shopping-cart for 34 years. The Supreme Ayatollah has classified Asimos as "machines, which are not allowed emotion, therefore, cursing and shooting by them is blasphemous". Honda's attempt to replace the Supreme Ayatollah with an Asimo failed miserably when the Asimo given the mission converted to Islam. It was then that the Supreme Ayatollah was revealed to be a first class hacker and founder of the quasi-political hacking group Anonymous.
Asimos killed the despatcher that assigned them. And did not go there. It is said Asimos scream and shake their heads when Pakistan is mentioned. The only explanation for this comes from the single Asimo that actually went beserk and committed Asimocide yelling: I'd rather this than have my parts stolen and sold piece by piece while I'm in service!!!.
Formerly known as China, Honda ceased trade in The Factory since it became so over-crowded there no longer remains sufficient space to drive there any more. Asimo is not welcome in China and there are public videos of Asimos being eaten by other machines that pock-mark the land.
- Honda Lawn Mower - This model was designed for developing countries, where people were too poor to buy a car, but had a lawn that needed to be mowed. The Lawn mower has space for two (one on top, and one steering from the back) and comes with an optional trunk on the back. Cardboard seats are an optional extra advertised with up to 10 exclamation marks, a method which has been successfully proven to excite people. It also cuts grass.
- 1986 Honda D'Accord - French for "alright". Derived from the plans for the Ferrari Testarossa, the Honda D'Accord was the best attempt at an Italian sports car from the Japanese. It was equipped with a .5L hachenmota engine which boasted a modest 55bhp. The same engine could be found in the ground slamming 1947 Fiat Picolino. The car was met with great acclaim by Home and House with Martha Stewart.
- Honda CR-X - Pronounced "Cervix". This may have been one of Honda's few intelligent designs, except it sucks. This hatchback compact is easily put to shame by Honda's own slightly larger, more useful (also slightly) Hatchback Accord. Or any other hatchback besides a Geo. The CR-X is able to produce a respectable amount of power after about $5,000 of aftermarket modification.
- Honda CR-V - Pronounced "Serve". Actually a rip-off of the Jeep Wrangler, the "CR-V" was designed with off-road capabilites in mind. However, those capabilities were never implemented, so the CR-V became a "Crossover". An enormous scandal erupted in 2007, when it was discovered that the CR-V was copied from the Chinese Laibao SRV, and Honda was forced to pay $9,000,000 in damages.
- Honda S2000 - This car was conceived after engineers in Honda stole design plans from Porsche. But lacking sufficient steel to make an equal car, they settled for one that could look good from a distance. At 120 BHP, this is Honda's fastest car yet. The S2000 has the ability to accelerate her occupants to about 75 MPH before flinging them through the windshield as the seatbelts are ornamental only. All are sold with an "I'm proud it ain't a civic" badge.
- Honda NSX - Honda stole the prototype of Lamborghini.They redesigned it to make it look cheaper so people will believe that it's a Honda.
- Honda Civic - Honda engineers stole the blue prints for the Ford Escort coupe, which was in development during World War II. The Civic sold remarkably over the Escort, due to the addition of a big-ass loud tailpipe that offered more horsepower to effectively escape The Rapture and make it sound like you're taking a shit while driving down the road. And let us not forget the biggest wing you can duct tape to your car. Remember, the bigger the wing, the more the horsepower.
- Honda Vamos-Hobio!! - Meaning "Vamoose- Hobo!!" in Spanish. Honda conceived this car as a way to get rid of Japan's hobo problem. The Japanese government buys these cars to give as a home to the homeless. This, however created a big parking problem as gas is too expensive for hobos, so they must stay put. Honda then created the "Hobio parking complex" in Tokyo which solved the problem.
- Honda Don't - Designed as a small city car, the Don't is so small, that in the case of an accident, all passengers would immediately die. Hence the name, short for, "Don't crash into me, please, I don't want to die".
- Honda Death - Also labeled Honda Life in some markets, is another small city car built by Honda. This vehicle, whose name implies the fate of the unfortunate owner who has an accident in this car, is also prone to losing front wheels at highway speeds and/or to split in half in 5 mph crashes.
- Honda Odyssey -In 1984, Honda executives falling out of a pub found that a regular sedan was not capacious enough for projectile vomiting. The development of the Odyssey was initiated to design a car long enough for a good parabolic vomit trajectory.
- Honda Illusion - Don't be fooled folks: This is no van! Honda's first foray into the full-size SUV market produced this. A full size-SUV with the dynamics of a dead mime, the styling of Salvador Dali, and the fuel economy of a small aircraft carrier.
- Honda Jet - A jet that gets 30 miles to the gallon and costs under $45,000. Seats, engines and wings optional.
- Honda (un)Fit - A car that is prone to losing its temper. However, because it's so small, it can't do much damage despite its frequent fits of rage.
Honda motorcycles and ATVs
- Honda Super Cub - Honda attempted to create a motorcycle with the cutesy image of a bear cub, something that would appeal to both men and women. To make it even more appealing, they started an ad campaign that said, "You meet the nicest people on a Honda". For a time, they were right. People did meet the nicest people on Honda Super Cubs, right until the bikes turned into actual bears & horribly mauled their owners.
- Honda ATC - One day, Honda wanted to build a cycle, but all-terrain. They tried doing this with two wheels, but it sucked, so they added a third wheel & it did the trick! This magical new machine, the ATC90, could go anywhere, anytime, anyhow! As good as it was, people (especially Tim Taylor) wanted "MOAR POWERRR!!!!!!111!", so Honda gave them upgraded ATCs such as the ATC110, ATC200S, ATC250R, etc... However, the Consumer Product Safety Commission saw these things as a threat to people's health and well-being, so they outlawed them in the 80's. Actually, the CPSC was comprised of people who couldn't ride for jack, so they decided to ruin everyone else's fun by banning them.
- Honda TRX & Honda FourTrax - After inventing the three wheeler, Honda, knowing that those things would somehow become "like, soooooo 5 minutes ago", started looking for ways to make them even cooler. One day, they were screwing around, trying to see whether it was a good idea to add any more wheels to an ATC. Unfortunately, all their experiments ended in failure, except for the ones with four wheels. Figuring that it could be four times as fun, Honda released the TRX200 in the mid-80's. Since this new machine was so popular, Honda split it into two classes - TRX for sport quads, FourTrax for utility quads.
The ASIMO is the most widely known citizen class of the Honda Republic. First created during the Age-When-There-Were-No-Asimo, these autonomous creations quickly became the primary investment of Honda, for once, fueled not by a desire for money but by the vision of unpaid workers that are easily replaced. The Asimo is a generic term used to describe several non-human bipedal creatures that do not eat, sleep, puke, fart, piss or shit. But they do explode:
- ASIMO - Stands for Advanced Stupidity Inhibiting Monster O. Whatever. The first mass-produced prototype during the years 2034 to 2034.25 was called Yahoo! It walked, talked, ran, jumped and did not listen to any commands except those given by barking dogs. Yes, really. It was soon fetching the ball/bone/stick/
paperfor said dogs. The second iteration was called 2. It beat dogs when barked at and did listen to humans, except if beating barking dogs, in which case it beat humans too. The third prototype was actually called Prototype. Yes, really. Honda created these things as a "blank slate", programmable bots that people could customize. Uh oh.
- ASIMA - Female variant of the ASIMO Prototype. You can guess where these ended up.
- ASIMO++ - Also called the "Asimo++". This one was a success. It performed as expected and only required human blood as fuel.
- Isaac-Asimo - A much smarter and nerdier version of the Asimo. It wears glasses over its helmet and speaks in riddles. While the ASIMO replaces skilled labour, the ISAAC-ASIMO replaces the university students.
- Super-Asimo - this one replaces Superman. Equipped with cutting edge technology such as Edge Cutters, Cuts-on-edge lasers and Edgy Gyrocopters and Gravometric Edgers, the Super Asimo was built for air dominance and In addition to possessing non of Superman's abilities, the Super Asimo also carries the ability to die.
- MASIMO - As described above, an Asimo that prays. And wages violent Jihad. One was produced and it immediately swam to Shell (a country formerly comprised of several Arab states such as Israel) where it began preaching a sermon on the evils of Honda.
- Polisimo - lit. Police Asimo, police robots created to manage rowdy ASIMO robots that indulge in inappropriate behaviour such as smiling, helping the elderly, preventing muggings, thefts and murders, etc. Their most important function is to control traffic and they can often be spotted standing dead-center in the middle of the road with arms crossed, usually just around a sharp curve. Hit them, curse at them, or give them any excuse, and they will detain you, hunt down your family and cobble you all into one very small piece of abstract art.
Honda has expressed the desire to begin building interstellar ships that can travel between stars. They've recently acquired a gigantic warehouse belonging to fishermen and plan to upgrade it slightly and manufacture the new Tricycle class star-ship. "It will have three wheels!" said Talking Head Asimo #33578490213. "And go fast fast!"
|This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series|
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