The myth of "being sexy" is one of the most persistant in worldwide folklore, especially among men. There is a growing number of males suffering from the delusion that they are attractive; levels have increased from one in 32 A.D. to approximately 3 billion in 2015. For sensible women, a hot guy is thought of much in the same way that many people think of the Easter Bunny, Santa, the Loch Ness Monster, and North Dakota. But for blondes, hot guys are everywhere.
Sexual attraction ensures that the human race will continue and not die out. The human race are in fact, parasites. They start in one place, breed (due to being sexy) use up resources and move somewhere new to do the same. You can always find sexy people by the hundreds at replacement foam marketplaces. Just go to the nearest replacement foam marketplace in your area and start stalking.
The story of sexiness is told in a number of different ways (in fact, there are nearly as many stories as there are tellers). Generally it is told from the point of view of a young, innocent boy/girl, which the teller usually imagines themselves to be. The guy/girl (we will call them <insert name here>) is out somewhere when they see Sexy Guy. <insert name here> instantly becomes infatuated with him/her and convinces himself/herself that they aren't the "one" for them.
After this, the teller sighs and leaves the rest to his/her audience's imagination. The end of the actual story varies hugely, although mostly takes the form of <insert name here> meeting Sexy Guy/Girl again and realising that he/she really isn't so sexy after all, or is a total asshole/bitch instead.
- Jean-Paul Du Sentier – The first man to use the word "sexy". He used it when he saw himself in a mirror, and thought to himself: "I need to find a new word to describe how I look..." First, he thought up douchebag. And then, he came up with "sexy", but how he found that word still remains a mystery...
- Jesus – Generally spotted on the lids of Marmite jars, in slices of toast, on lunchboxes (only men ever find these, and never on their own lunchboxes. It's just... very hard to peel someone's banana without having a quick peek at the actual lunchbox, isn't it?) or in McDonalds burgers. Some women fantasise that Sexy Jesus cared about them enough to die for them, although this is an unproven theory and has led to widespread derision, considering that the women concerned are often middle-aged to old and are married to boring farts who drone about sin and pain and misery (but not the shadow of the wind) non-stop. Poor girls. They need a bit of fantasy to brighten up their lives.
- Jesse Spencer – In this form, the teller usually imagines herself to be every woman who has ever played opposite him in a film, even that dastardly matriach with the curlers. It also allows for a wonderfully wide choice of settings and happenings—after all, if one man is capable of being both a dashing pirate and a demon barber, it's just too good to be true, isn't it? This sexy man is often said to be good in bed, but this is usually just supposition.
- Justin Bieber – Females who fantasize about Bieber are often teens, and therefore have wonderfully unsophisticated minds. They are the only 'tellers' whose imaginary stories finish happily ever after, because they don't know better. Bieber has short hair and is clean-shaven, which happens to be the stereotype for Sexy Guy (see how early some people get brainwashed?)
- Donald Trump – Invariably short-haired and clean-shaven, he also radiates an air of professional power. There are great advantages to thinking The Boss is Sexy Guy - he may be (if the female is hot enough) persuaded to take a blowjob off her and should enjoy it so much he gives her a pay rise. This is in theory, and the theory is always sk(r)ewed.
- Roger Taylor – The tellers of these stories generally feel confident enough about their sexuality that they do not feel it to be threatened by a rotten fish. They generally like rockers with long hair, bulging groins, a smell of gasoline and cigarettes, and egos that smite mountains. However they are ALWAYS liars, because everyone knows that the rock star is never seen outside his limo except with exceptionally good binoculars. And it will always be the slutty chicks fucking them, because the rock stars are blind except to bare female skin, so they cannot see normal women.
- That Guy Over There – Another short-haired loser, but varies otherwise. Sometimes he is 'kinda cute'; sometimes he is just 'soo manly'. This form of Sexy Guy is probably the most common after Film Actor and Pop Star.
- Metal Star / Black Hole – These, women, are the coolest (however they are also DEFINITELY the oddest). There are several forms of the Metal Star. One is the (all too common) Thor Wannabe. These men have long hair, long beards and pretend to have broadswords. They are armed (with an axe and extremely dangerous, especially when fighting the world). Another type is the Baldie, generally seen vomiting into a mic. These are even more dangerous. Then there are the Goth Metallers, who wear eye-make-up and are pale, long-haired, and skinny. They aren't generally dangerous, except psychologically (if they're hot enough, the track 'Join Me In Death' takes on a whole new significance.) Damn, I can't type all the different kinds of metal people! See metalhead for more. The best type, according to most sources, is the 'classic' metal star. For these, however, you have to find a time machine... (because come on, Ozzy isn't quite cutting it anymore...)
- George W. Bush - Voted #1 sexiest man in Time magazine
- Kermit the Frog - I feel like frog legs now!
- Mr. Raccoon - You filthy, filthy bastard...
- Unidentified man in green firing turret - Voted #2 by Time.
- The Admins - How could they not be cool and sexy!
- King Kong - Those man boobs! Grrr...
- Adolf Hitler - Just look at those legs!
- Hobos - Y'all nev'r guess why!
- Your mom – No surprise here! Damn, look at her!
- Carmen Electra – That's a given.
- Hillary Clinton – See the YouTube video
- Mary Queen of Scots – A badass chick who ruled England or something for a long time, until her head was cut off by my ancestor Oliver Cromwell. I like to imagine that Cromwell did the deed while Mary was giving him head, because that's totally what someone in my lineage would do. That is, he would get head. Royal head.
- Sojourner Truth – Another badass chick who was a slave or something for a long time, until she fucked her master to death and inherited his riches. Despite her sexual prowess in her time, she only became nationally known after I encountered her great great great great granddaughter, who I fucked during my family trip to the Grand Canyon.
- Su Ann Oh – A really hot chick that not many people have heard of outside of Lawrenceville High School, but she'll probably become a porn star sooner or later. She is renowned around school for giving just about everybody killer blowjobs, except for me, because she's saving the best for last. I can't wait to fuck her.
- Angelina Jolie – An alleged actress from Beverly Hills, a professional mother of six, a Princess Diana humanitarian wannabe, and ambassador for the United Nations "Human Rights" Commission of State Supporters of Terrorism. She is known for her much-publicized relationships (both straight and lesbian), occasionally appearing in major films, and adopting so many children that she has to take family photos with the Hubble Space Telescope.
- Jessica Alba
- Pamela Anderson
- Carmen Electra
- Jennifer Aniston
- Natalie Portman – Attack of the Clones was one of the worst movies ever, but go watch the scene where Padme is in the arena and gets her outfit torn up. You'll thank me later.
- Jessica Simpson
- Every anime girl – In recent years, young adult males appear to be quite smitten with anime girls, and call them "Mai Waifu". Some find waifuism to be unhelahty and a sign of a basement-dwelling neckbeard; others argue it is a wholly fulfilling lifestyle. You have to admit, almost every anime girl is drawn to be attractive. It's hard to resist the temptation of 2D.
- Europeans – Let’s face it, Europeans are the flavour of the month and the month is sexy! They’re hairy, smelly, the strong-but-silent type and speak a different language; heck, thinking about it so are wookies! And wookies are just not sexy unless you like the hairy, smelly and strong-but-silent type...
- Microwaves – So alluring is the microwave and its sexy grip. You can look at it from a distance, gazing at its warm, sexy rays, but get too close and you’ll develop brain cancer. Such a tease... Let’s face it, microwaves are the new vibrators.
If the teller of the story ever sees this 'Sexy Guy' and talks to him in real life, she invariably finds that he's not so sexy after all. If that fails, then the Extinction Cult has rigged it so that she discovers his irretrievably dickhead nature before he can possibly shoot his seed inside her. Which is, of course, a very good thing for the millions of women who have been saved slavery to these men. The Extinction Cult is estimated to have overtaken 'God' in popularity by 2012, so that the world can recover from the cold horror of the London Olympics undistracted by Sexy Guys and their ilk.
The Sexy Guy Conspiracy
The Sexy Guy Conspiracy is a well-known film by Oscar Wilde. In it, a group of no-hoper geeks get together to become Sexy Guy, but can't decide who Sexy Guy is. Due to this, each geek interviews a girl and becomes the Sexy Guy she describes. Cue some incredibly funny antics (you'll just have to trust me on this, I'm afraid) when one of the women's Sexy Guy turns out to be a woman, when one turns out to be Jesus and another Godzilla
How to be sexy
There is no hope for you. You are doomed to a solitary existence looking at the inside of a cold paper bag that reflects the cold, cruel outside world that shunned you long ago. Maybe next time little fella... But for those of you that are not you, you may have a chance for the opposite sex to indeed coin you as "sexy"!
- Sniff fingers – Nothing says sexy as hell on a first date better than the occasional finger sniff. Scratching your ass and then sniffing your fingers is an even bigger turn on to most women and scientists view this practice as an aphrodisiac. Scratching someone else’s ass and then sniffing your fingers is a big social taboo, so refrain from doing so until at least the third date or marriage.
- Long loving stares– Nothing says "I’m sexy" like long, loving stares. Yes, the opposite will be unable to move from your gaze (Either because of love, or the fact they think you’re a raving lunatic and are about to rape them...), and will coin you “sexy”. Growl! Don’t blink, just stare.
- Spray on pheromones – Ah yes, the smell of love is in the air, and you, you sexy beast, are its cause. Literally! All you need is a can of spray-on female pheromone, and hey! Presto! Girls will be flocking to you like flies to shit, erm, decaying meat, erm flowers... Yes flies to flowers! Spray-on pheromones are sold from all leading sex shops, but if you’re really really desperate for a date, you can always substitute for a can of spray-on raccoon pheromone from all leading hunting stores.
- Just Smile – Just be happy. Being optimistic is very sexy. *Editor - Retard, this is meant to be a sarcastic view on how to be sexy not an actual help guide! Godammit, you've just ruined everything! Cries...*
We all know them, either by saying them or receiving them. Yes, you know I’m talking about sexy nothings which turn on the opposite sex, or whoever you’re trying to woo (Step away from the raccoon you sick pervert!!). Here are just a few to get those juices flowing and the girls pining for your 3 wood...
- "I love thou rainbow animule. Let's go have a racoon."
- ”Let's play army - I lay down and you blow the hell outa me.”
- ”I hear you like CSI; would you like to sample my DNA?”
- ”Squeal reek awrk squeek grrrl...” Translated as “None of my other raccoon lovers have ever gone unsatisfied...”
- ”I think you smell really nice.”
- ”It’s so tiresome being so sexy. You know I honestly have to breathe sexily, eat sexily even sleep sexily! It really is a curse sometimes...”
- ”Why do people continually ask me if I’m happy to see them?”
- "I'm a furry, and I was wondering..."
- "Get over here you sexy beast of an anal grape."
- "Yuum I bet your banana's tasty!"
- "I put the STD in Stud, now all I need is U!"