HowTo:Ask people for money

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Overview

Asking others for money is in itself a highly risky and dangerous task. The task is almost never properly executed, and often performed in a sloppy, uncaring manner. Here, you can assess the variables that will most likely lead to a specific outcome of the question, and what to do after a certain outcome has happened, whether ye be livin' or You Are Dead. In some cases, asking people for money in a bad way can lead to Epic Failure.

The Question

The question in which you ask people for money can be worded in several different ways, depending on two variables:

1. Who you are addressing

and

2. How desperate you are for money.

Now, using these two variables, let's take a look at the different ways you can word your question!

1. Your Mom, drunk, medium desperacy: "Can I have some money, Mom?"

   Likeliest answer: No. Get a job and get out of my house, you worthless lunatic! You're 30 years old and can't find a decent life! Why don't you just kill yourself and move on to hell! Get your life over with!

2. Cousin George, sober-ish, slight desperacy "Give me money, Cousin Al!"

   Likeliest answer: Punch in the face, possibly death.

3. Rose Anderson (your neighbor), totally sober, man!, high desperacy: " Hey, Rosie, can I have, like, 50 bucks?"

   Likeliest answer: No. Slams door in face. Nosebleed may occur.

4. Her Majesty, the queen of England, sober, serious desperacy: "Your majesty, I, a loyal subject, need money to fund the construction of a monument in your honour.

   Likeliest answer: Perhaps, say, 120000 pounds?

   DING DING DING DING DING!!!!

   You see, that worked because of what? You lied. And that is one of the most successful tactics of gathering money. LIE!

   What's that? Lying is wrong? WELCOME TO REALITY, BABY!

Other Examples:

5. Lindsay Lohan, drunk, medium desperacy: "Can I borrow some money?"

Likeliest answer: Sexual innocence lost. Money received.

6. Oscar Wilde, sober, zero desperacy: "Can I borrow some money?"

Likeliest answer: Are you an Uncyclopedian trying to quote me for a How-To page?

7. That Guy, medium desperacy: "May I borrow some money, please?"

Likeliest answer: Ah, you probably think I'm This Guy! But I'm not! AHAHAHAHA!!!

8. This Guy, slight desperacy: "Give me some money, you retarded bastard!"

Likeliest answer: No! You freaking shitface!

9. Director of Fisher Price, high desperacy: "Can I have some money for the invention of a new children's toy?"

Likeliest answer: go eat shit fuckers (a rare case in which lying does not prove successful)

10. That Gay, slight desperacy: "Give me money, fag."

Likeliest answer: Are you calling me that because I'm different? Well, deep down inside, I'm just like everybody else!!!(runs away sobbing)

These are several situations in which you could end up in. Please note that you must lie to execute this task properly.

What Happens After An Outcome

You must be wondering what happens after each of these questions.

Your Mom: Epic Fail

Cousin George: Please see You Are Dead.

Rose Anderson: Nothing

Queen of England: Status as felon in England and English territory- forced to take refuge in America.

Lindsay Lohan: Suicide

Oscar Wilde: Nothing

That Guy: Nothing

This Guy: Nothing

Director of Fisher-Price: NOTHING

That Gay: Try to avoid Homosexuals.

Slipping It Into Conversations

Sometimes, instead of using the direct approach, it is sometimes best to casually slip the question into a conversation. Unlike the direct approach, correct execution of this is often dependent on sheer luck. A widely accepted tactic is to catch the subject off-guard and force him onto submission. However, this tactic is reportedly futile.

A Question of Moral

Now that you have seen the proper execution of asking people for money, you must be thinking: Is asking for money morally right? After many years of expert research, modern Scientology still does not have an answer. Contrary to popular belief, asking for money is, in fact, a societal necessity, as modern economy and banking require borrowing vast amounts of money. Recent studies show that there are in fact no biblical references to modern-day money borrowing.