HowTo:Take a Dump
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If you don't move your bowels two or three times a day, the odds are excellent you're suffering from chronic constipation. Taking a dump, crapping, shitting, having a bowel movement. Using the restroom for a number two goes by a variety of names, but how exactly does one "drop the Cosby's off at the pool?"
Modern people eat on the run and have terrible dumping habits. But don't worry my friend, you can have the cleanest colon in your neighborhood. This instructional will teach you all you need to know about the elegant and proper technique of taking a dump.
Dump a haiku
Gurgles deep in the gut
equal action from the butt
skid-marks for the win
First Things First
So, you've just eaten a large meal, probably some dark meat and beans, perhaps some broccoli. You feel a pressing in your bowels, and you know deep in your soul that it's finally time. Where do you go? That's step one. Locating a bathroom.
Finding a Shitter
In a restaurant there will be signs up, directing you to the nearest restroom - or you could ask one of those waiters or waitresses. In your own home, you should already know the location of your bathroom. If you don't, then you pretty much deserve to shit your pants.
Once you have located a bathroom we move on to step number two in taking a number two!
Second Things... Second
Now, you're in the bathroom. If it is a public toilet, go immediately to the large stall marked "Handicapped" (with a picture of a stickman sitting on a circle). You may not be handicapped, but those creepy bastards get an extra wide stall and it is ALWAYS cleaner. If you are at home, there should only be one toilet in a single bathroom... unless, of course, you're from India or Europe.
Once you're in a private commode, lift the lid of the toilet, but not the seat. Never lift the seat and try to sit down, it isn't pleasant. In a public bathroom, make sure the seat is DOWN, and also get a handful of toilet paper to wipe the seat off with. Public restrooms are dark, dirty, danky, and dangerous places, filled with scum and alliterations. Maybe Joe Schweaty was on that seat just before you walked in. You do not... I repeat, DO NOT want to sit on a seat covered in butt sweat with a bunch of ass pubes stuck all over it like a fucking teddy bear.
After completing that step you can sit down!
The Sitting 'shitting' Technique
First, let down your pants and boxers... or briefs if you're, again, European. Then, place your backside on the seat. Be prepared for a cold seat, keeping your legs together. Make sure to keep your knees higher than your hips, lean forward and put your elbows on your knees, bulge out your abdomen, straighten your spine, and don't clench! This will spread your buttcheeks for full openness. Remember, it is always important to smile when pooping. Enjoy your time on the crapper. Read the newspaper, go on facebook, or call your mom to tell her what a big boy you are!
Taking the Dump
There are varying theories on the best way to procede through this process. The best one to use is the "Slight Push" method. Gently, but firmly ease out the poo, helping it slightly to leave your system by using the muscles in your rectum. Gross, we know, but this speeds up the process and does not feel as weird as a long, slow one. You can use your finger to help ease the poop out.
Keep making a small effort until it is all gone, as it will take a few attempts to get it all out. Man, were you full of crap!
At home, you should use your hand (when not occupied), or if someone else's hand is available, use that. If you insist on using toilet paper, then use at least two squares with the width folded in half. Gently wipe your bunghole clean, repeating a few times if necessary, and then drop the paper below you into the bowl. If you are one of those guys who will absolutely not use their hand to wipe and if your Toilet paper resources are exhausted, then I highly recommend you doing the "jump, dunk, splish splash, ass" technique. What's that you may ask? Let me explain; it's when you Walk infont of your bathroom sink, turn 180° degrees facing away from said sink and jump up/ dunk that poop stained buttocks directly into it. Proceed to Turn the faucet on to warm, grasping each cheek with your hands and begin to stretch those cheeks apart (don't be shy about pulling hard). You'll notice as you're stretching, that little glops of feces will slowly start to protrude and drip out of your anus into the sink. It may hurt but the more you pull, the more lingering discharge you will remove from your blown eye. Remember to push as hard as you can to shart spray any remnants into the sink. If you're able to conserve and save any intestinal gas or what is more commonly referred to as "Farts" from your previous bowel movement, it will be extremely helpful. (I highly recommend this method also known as "Shart saving") Okay so now remove one of your hands off of your butt cheek and start splashing water onto your now desolate asshole. Take note that you'll want to create a suction cup like seal to the sink with your stretched bum cheeks before removing your hand to cleanse away the sin. Make sure you really splash that bad boy to remove those pesky unwanted skid marks. After these steps have been completed you're going to want to dry yourself off with a siblings or significant others bath towels because let's face it, you don't want brown shit stains on your own towels... Be sure to double check for any lingering brown mess left over in the sink. Go ahead and clean it using your fingers to squish any solid shit remnants down the drain clog and/or using poopy bath towel. Return the now used towel back into the place it was originally found because well, stealing is definitely not cool and is a generally shitty thing to do.
Get up, pull your pants back up and spray some good stuff in the air like Oust, or Glade... Congratulations, you just took your first dump! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) -R.C.S