Howard Hughes
“ The Way of The Future,the Way of The Future,the Way of The Future,the Way of The Future,the Way of The Future...”
“Why does Uncyclopedia delete articles that relate to me? ”
“I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I’m a (paranoid deranged) billionaire.”
“I intend to be the greatest golfer in the world, the finest film producer in Hollywood, the greatest pilot in the world, and the richest man in the world.”
Howard "Rub-hard" Hughes was an awfully rich mad scientist who became famous for his public show of lunacy and for supposedly being the true inventor of the (modern) aeroplane. He was America’s first billionaire and one of the key financiers of the Playboy magazine. He is credited with many successful films as a director and is known for producing some of America’s first pornographic films in colour, apart from being hailed as one of the original Looney Tunes.
He may have not become the richest fraud man in the world (that title is clearly deserved by Steve Jobs), but he will surely go down in history as the richest madman to have ever walked on this earth. Often hailed as the epitome of the true American notably for his daring, extreme lunacy and his highly promiscuous sex life, all of which sum up a true American.
Hughes is perhaps most famous as the poster boy for the propaganda of the spread of OCD, a mental disease which was charactersied in his case by the obsessive washing of hands and repeating the same words over and over again. Hughes clearly demonstrated how a mental disease could be turned into an asset, an affliction he would share, in his later life, with close friend Richard Nixon.
Early Life[edit]
As is expected of any billionaire ,Hughes was the son of a millionaire. He was born in Texas in 1905. Hughes sr. became rich after patenting his famous invention of the two-cone roller bit (you know what cones I mean) which allowed efficient rolling of cones for maximum pleasure. It is often considered to be the first electrical sex toy (since batteries were not invented yet, it ran on solar power).
As a result of his invention’s success Hughes Sr. became shitty rich and traveled extensively on business tours to promote his sex toy.So while Hughes Sr. was always away in the company of mistresses,Hughes’ mom Anna became lonely and got extremely attached to her son for company. This led to development of abnormal relation between mother and son.Due to her excessive pampering Hughes became a mama’s boy and hence a pussy.
A rich man’s son does not need education. So Hughes dropped out of school even before he was enrolled and still managed to enter and graduate out of college,though without a degree. After his parents’ early death Hughes became a drifter upon inheriting the majority of his father’s will and started drifting around like a wandering idiot. He eventually caught up with a hooker Stella Rice and,after a one night stand, proposed to her.
They got married in 1925, only to get divorced a year later when it dawned on the immature Hughes that vaginas could be found in any women and not just Stella (though it is still not known how he got the idea). Thus began his spree of intense womanizing which would continue till his death.
Hollywood Career[edit]
Hughes never really had any interest in anything(no rich man’s son has). However he soon became fascinated about making movies after visiting his uncle Hugh Heffner Sr., who was a creative producer of perhaps the first black and white blue films in America. In those days the criteria for becoming a successful director was having a huge budget, money, more money and still more money. Since Hughes was lolling in dollars he decided to become a director. His first two films released in 1927, Two Arabian Tights and Everybody’s Shitting were the first to be nominated and jointly win the MTV Awards for KickAss cinema.
Hughes spent US$3.8 million to make Hell's Angels, a film about planes flying and nothing else, released in 1930.Because it became such a phenomenol hit(though the only notable aspect of the film was seeing planes fly in colour for the first time),Hughes’ wacky brain decided that his next field of attempt would be aviation.From then on Hughes set out to become the world’s best aviator.
He produced another hit, Pokerface, in 1932, which would be later remade into a successful music video by his great granddaughter Lady Gaga.
Later he made The Outlaw, which featured Jane Russell Crowe, for whom Hughes designed a special bra (although Russell decided against wearing the bra because of a mediocre fit). Pokerface and The Outlaw both received considerable attention from industry censors; Poker Face for its violent and shitty choreography, The Outlaw due to Russell's revealing costumes(it was not officially a porno).
As is natural for any director in the business, Hughes encountered a lot of famous women, such as Billie Dove, the Queen of England, Margaret Thatcher, Katharine Hepburn, and Borat. In fact many women found their way to fame by claiming to have slept with Hughes, though quite some allegations turned out to be false, they mistakenly slept with Hughes lookalike Niels Bohr. Of course, close friend Noah Dietrich maintained the fact that such relationships were strictly “professional” (all directors bed their actresses).
Because the list of Hughes’ bedfellows would be too crowded we have compiled a separate column for them later on.
Aviation[edit]
Hughes now ambitious of becoming an aviator bought an engineering degree and a pilot’s license. He set about designing aeroplanes that were much ahead of their time. He is credited with being responsible for breaking the record of maximum air crashes in history;none of his airline’s flights (Transvestite Women's Airlines or TWA for short) managed to get off the ground.
The idea of setting records entered his head. Thus his wacky brain found a new fascination:breaking records. Indeed one advantage of being an American is that you don’t need to be talented to be famous,you only require idiocy and a maniacal idea of living. Hughes set off many records by test piloting his inventions (no one else dared otherwise) and breaking speed barriers.
He proudly claimed to have to have invented a water plane the Hughes H1 Racer that outran a sea turtle on September 13 1935, and also a mini espionage spy plane that could be piloted by squirrels.
The Hughes H1 Racer had distinct technological advantages. It was the first plane to have a pilot seat cum toilet pan. The faeces excreted would be led to the lower wingline of the plane via a tube to reduce drag and also spread into the windshield of any incoming enemy plane. With such increased safety, the pilot could now savour both the pleasure of flying and the enjoyment of egestion at the same time. What ingenuity!
Near-fatal crash of the XF-11[edit]
Hughes was involved in a near-fatal aircraft accident on July 7, 1946, while piloting the experimental U.S. Army Air Force reconnaissance aircraft, the XF-11, over Los Angeles. The XF-11 was the ultimate one mannned plane. For the XF-11, Hughes fashioned two pairs of wings out of wax and feathers for himself.
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Before he took off from the airport base, Hughes’ test engineer warned him not to fly too close to the sun, nor too close to the sea. Overcome by the giddiness that flying lent him, Hughes soared through the sky curiously, but in the process he came too close to the sun, which melted the wax. Hughes kept flapping his wings but soon realized that he had no feathers left and that he was only flapping his bare arms.
And so, Hughes fell into the ground and crashed in the Beverly Hills neighborhood surrounding the country club. He was close to death in the accident but the Grim Reaper realized that the full power of Hughes’ lunacy was not yet unleashed and that he had to survive to confuse the world furthermore.So Hughes survived the crash but with significant injuries; including a crushed collar bone, crushed chest with collapsed left lung and a penis with third degree burns.
However, Hughes was proud that his mind was still working(??????). As he lay in his hospital bed, he decided that he did not like the design of the bed. He called in plant engineers to design a "tailor-made" bed, equipped with hot and cold running water, built in six sections, and operated by 30 electric motors, with push-button adjustments. (this portion is original Wikipedia trivia, see! We don’t need much of Uncyclopedia’s help for him)
H-4 Hercules[edit]
Hughes was contracted by the U.S.Army to build the flying boat,H-4 Hercules for conveying soldiers in secret to Hitler’s bathtub.The H- Hercules was the largest to be be built of it’s kind. Hughes set about razing geese on his private farm.
He selected the fattest one from his brood and fattened it further with McDonald’s and heroin to the point where it attained the size of a whale. This goose was then killed and its stuffing used to construct the outer framework of the plane. Hughes was astounded by the size of his goose and lovingly called it “H-4 Hercules”(H-4 for 4 times the heroin amount.
But because this goose was so fat it could barely fly.This outraged the Government,calling for Hughes to redeem his failure by either making the goose fly or paying up for the lost money. Hughes eventually managed to make the goose fly by stacking all the rest of his geese at the back of his plane and making them all simultaneously fart,thus giving enough lift.
Love for Squirrels[edit]
Hughes fostered an unusual love for squirrels,though no one really knew why.Perhaps it is because the squirrel is the only creature to share the same brain size as Hughes.Here are several instances of this bond:
- Created a squirrel santuary near Houston, Texas when he became obsessed with the idea that squirrels might become an endangered species.
- Had a lovable pet squirrel called “Noah Dietrich”.
- After Noah’s death, Hughes became so depressed that he started wearing Noah’s tail as a moustache in homage to his memory. No wonder his iconic moustache looked so furry.
Howard Hughes Mental Medical Mental Institute[edit]
Hughes ultimately came to realize : “Sharing is caring”.To become in successful in society you need to contribute to society too.So Hughes founded the Howard Hughes Mental Institute , for the underpriveleged insane ,under the guidance of his mentor Sigmund Freud in Maryland,Texas. This was perhaps his only act of philanthropy in his entire career.
He hoped that all other nutcases in USA did not have to undergo the same mental torment like he did. The rise and growth of Rap music can be attributed to the success of the Howard Hughes Mental Institute.
Later Years and Death[edit]
Hughes progressively became addicted to Squirrel poo.Many believe this further aggravated his condition of OCD. As he had broken all records of his day,it seemed that there was no more need for Hughes to entertain the world.So he shied away from public and began leading the life of a recluse,travelling from hotel to hotel with his band of squirrels,geese and mistresses.All the while the public began debating as to whether the mentally ,and now physically senile Hughes had died.
He spent years as a drifter spending gastronomic amounts yearly at all of his expensive boarding hotels and bedding the hotel’s female employees.
Even now Hughes’ death is debated. Perhaps he is still alive, hideously old and smelly, no longer the sweet lover boy of the 40s. If you find a senile boarder in the hotel you are staying (Hughes’ fortunes must not be so plentiful now,so he is staying at YOUR type of hotel),chances are it’s him. Be careful of him though, if you are an attractive female, as he still might have that urge left. But don’t expect him to hand out any reward for your services rendered.He might think that your hands would infect him.
Extreme Acts of Lunacy[edit]
Howard Hughes was a madman,no doubt.But sometimes his obsessive behaviour would really get on your nerves.Here are classic instances of his lunacy:
- Close friends reported that he was obsessed with the size of peas, one of his favorite foods, and used a special fork to sort them by size.(we only hope it was the vegetable type!!)
- While directing The Outlaw, Hughes became fixated on a minor flaw in one of Jane Russell's blouses, claiming that the fabric bunched up along a seam and gave the appearance of two nipples on each breast.
- In December 1947, Hughes told his aides that he wanted to screen some movies at a film studio near his home. Hughes stayed in the studio's darkened screening room for more than four months, never leaving. He subsisted exclusively on chocolate bars and milk, and relieved himself in the empty bottles and containers.(An obvious reason why modern theaters ask you to leave behind your personal effects before entering the screening room)
- He would often be found masturbating naked to pictures of Joseph Stalin,found him quite arousing.
- Insisted on cleaning his hotel room all by himself and then asked the hotel maid to clean him up.
- Avoided direct hand contact with people for fear of germs but was at ease with direct contact with his own feaces.
People who slept with Hughes[edit]
Finally, the only likable part of his character-his womanizing skills,far exceeding that of Don Juan and Tiger Woods.
Hughes claims to have bedded 93% of the world female population and certainly 100% of all Hollywood actresses.Hollywood is forever indebted to Hughes for introducing many promising actresses in his films,like Jean Harlem and The Outlaw’ s Russel Crowe. Any woman who was ambitious of becoming a Hollywood star only had to date Howard Hughes to get their opportunity.
If you ever wonder how certain horrifyingly ugly women,notably Judi Dench, Helen Mirren or Al Pacino became screen sirens, chances are that they had all used the Hughes’ “connection”.
Here is a list of some of the important women Hughes fucked:
- Katherine Hepburn
- Grandma
- Julia Roberts
- Gretta “Grab-Her”
- Your wife
- Your neighbour's wife
- Richard Branson's mom
...the list goes on and on.
Howard Hughes and Michael Jackson[edit]
Many theorists have found remarkable similarity between these two icons,the key likeness being their eccentric behaviour.
- Both were masters at their game:public show of extreme lunacy.
- Both were nutcases.
- Both had love for furry creatures:Hughes adored squirrels and Michael,chimpanzees.
- Both owned private entertainment parks.
- Both believed themselves to be inventors of unoriginal objects:Hughes claimed to have invented the aeroplane and Michael thought he had invented dancing.
- Both men are noted for their numerous love affairs:Hughes with women and Michael with children.
The Legacy of Hughes[edit]
Hughes may not have retained all his glory and grandeur over the years.Which is why even Uncyclopaedia refuses to include Hughes in its list of prominent Texans(see Texas).But that does not mean he has withered away from the public's imagination.
Hughes still survives as an icon for the shitty classy rich people. His illegitimate son George Clooney carries on his legacy in Hollywood.He has replaced his father successfully as Hollywood's ladies man.
He is a role model to little boys,who realize that in order to have a lot of girlfriends and to especially get a lot of sex out of girlfriends,you need to have a lot of dough. Mathematicians thereby have come upon a conclusive mathematical statement, all thanks to Hughes: Money=Women. However,the Converse of this statement i.e. Women=Money is still to be validated by mathematicians.
Hughes was often ridiculed for repeating the same sentence over and over again in his bouts of obsession (eg.“The way of the future, The way of the future, The way of the future, The way of the future….)
But his ever dominating status symbol has transformed this shortcoming into an asset.Many successful pop artists repeat the same lyrics over and over again,and instead of becoming irritating their songs become superhits.
So long live Howard Hughes!
For example, Daft Punk:" “Around the world, Around the world, Around the world, Around the world, Around the world, Around the world, Around the world, Around the world…” or
Michael Jackson:" “Billie Jean is not my lover, Billie Jean is not my lover, Billie Jean is not my lover, Billie Jean is not my lover, Billie Jean is not my lover..”
Hughes is also touted as being a key inspiration for rap music.Rappers create a beat, say the same set of nonsensically rhyming words over and over continuously,and in doing so create astounding pieces of music.